Da Vinci code
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- This article is about the novel The Da Vinci Code. For information on the computer video decoding algorythm, see DaVinci Codec. For the gossip pseudo-biography of Jesus, see Da Vinci Code. For information on the Da Vinci Code video game... well you're just an idiot if you care about that.
THE HOLY GRAIL IS IN THE LOUVRE AND IS THE BODY OF MARY MAGDALENE,
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.
The Da Vinci Code is a complicated book that pisses off Catholics. A bunch of drunken homosexuals that had been Kitten Huffing last night, all night got together and said "lets convince everyone that this book kicks ass! When is the last time we manipulated public minds?" and thus they told everyone that this book was hot shit.
Contents |
[edit] Da Vinci Code Revealed
The fabled code is as follows:
- Note: For safety purposes it is advised that you do not recite this code out loud, as human speech does not have word wrap.
- :swollof sa si edoc icniV aD yradnegel eht fo noitaterpretni rehtonA
- kroY weN ni teertS ht43 ot epolevne depmats ,desserdda-fles a dnes ,siht dnatsrednu nac uoy fI .edoC icniV aD eht fo noitaterpretni na fo elpmaxe na s'ereh dna... ylredle nihtiw krow ylno that sessalg yar-x ro ,gnir redoced a ,stao fo xob a rehtie niw dna ht13 yraurbeF yb hcnaR dnalreveN ot nerdlihcdnarg ruoy dna semoh gnisrun ot nerdlihc ruoy dneS
[edit] Actual Book
Da Vinci Code is book written by Satan and Anonymous, the proclaimed novelists of Harry Potter fame. The book features the story of a gay man with the hair of a rat, on the search for the last portal to Hell. On his way he meets Ian Mckellen, disguised as Mr. Surly McTeabag, whom he finds a soft spot for, and Leonardo Da Vinci, a Satan worshiper in cahouts with Marilyn Manson. The Catholic Church was especially angry at the Code, as it hates God and all his friends. But as usual the media agrees. Dean Rather, a priest in the church of Satan, has funded for the Code and made sure it has escaped any controversy. The story, told from the perspective of a bizarre pyromaniac skeptical mathematician Horatio Donlang, begins in the capital of Vatican City, Vatican Sub-District 32. It is here where the protagonist, Horatio Donlang, after following a trail of subtly hidden arrows in the works of Da Vinci discovers a container of concentrated holyness. This container mind melds with Horatio, revealing to him the secrets of True Christianity - The "Holy Grail" of knowledge.
If you do read the book, try not to think of the word 'apple' as it may mean that you enjoy it less.
So the moral of the story is: the catholic church should spend more time trying to cover up child molestation cases rather than the fact that Jesus was black.
(the person who wrote the above is an established evangelist)
[edit] Relevance
The book explores the origins of Christianity, from the ancient dinosaur religion to the Modern Neo-Paganistic incarnation of Christianity. It portrays the beginning , the middle, and the end of Christianity as a hodge podge of hedonistic, often violent, proletariat uprisings. The book explores the conspiracy behind Christianity. It goes something like this: ZOMFGMYROFLCOPTERCOWSYSWTFBBQN33BIPAWNU1337H4XOR!!!!111! That is the code found in the painting known as: Calvin And Hobbs. The code roughly translated means: nerd. Nerd leads to the main character exploring his moms basement and walking in on her while she's getting jiggy with her dog. Her dog has a collar with the number:"1" on it. The number 1 leads the main character to the number 1 store in the world: FAG-mart. Fagmart has a price of 69 dollars on chuck norrises favorite jacket. So when the main character buys it he is put into a coma and awakes six years later only to discover that the apocalypse happened because the clues led further to a book called: The end of the world and how to prevent it. Preventing it could only be done by stabbing your dog with a sexy toy, but nobody was ever perverted enough to do so and because of that the man awakes in a wasted world. By wasted I mean a world with lots of hippies an drugs, so he gets stoned off a french fry with crap on it and has a vision of Jesus shouting out secret phrases like: Santa is a pedophile! Your mom is a donut! I'm a gangsta' ninja homie G! The only real religion is mormon! Your face looks like the devils ass! Then our hero dies in a bizarre world full of drugs, visions and never answered conspiracy and nonsense. Now, didn't that make ANY sense AT ALL? Didn't think so.
(the person who wrote the above is Ned flanders. )
[edit] Movie Adaptation
A Movie MacGyver adaptation was released in 2006, staring Andrew Dean Richards, and Brian Blessed, the movie had an approxamate budget of $1,500. The Movie was called: "MacGyver: The Quest for the Holy Grail". Unfortunately the film went largely unnoticed with a tiny release in very few theatres. This led Richards to fake suicide in 2007.
However there was a lesser known European movie adaptation of the book Da Vinci Code, which got some limited success... in Europe.
[edit] Sequels
There are 651 sequels currently in the writing stage for the European version, as the writers are gambling for success in the United States. We've compiled a list what you can read and such of them...
- DVC II: Judgement Day (starring a certain governor of a certain state -- that's right! Jon Corzine of New Jersey!)
- Da Vinci Code: Director's Cut
- Da Vinci Code Redux
- Return of the Da Vinci Code
- Bride of the Da Vinci Code
- Son of the Da Vinci Code
- Abbot and Costello Meet the Da Vinci Code
- I Pity the Fool who Thinks all this Da Vinci Code Bullshit is True starring Mr. T
- Da Vinci, International Code of Mystery
- Da Vinci: The Code Who Shagged Me
- Da Vinci Code Reloaded: I Know What You Ate Last Supper (a bone melting tale about anorexic devil worshipers.The story closely follows the day to day goings on of Lindsay Lohan and Nichol Richie, followed by Anna Nicole Smith who needed a bikini wax).
- Snakes on a Code
- Codes on a Plane
- Da Vinci Code 2 1/2: The Naked Messiah
- Da Vinci Code 3: Who Would Jesus Kill?
- Da Rolf Harris Code: Can You Tell What It Is Yet?
- Da Vinci Code 4: Da Vinci, Where`s My Car?
- Da Vinci Code 5: The Ultimate Chuck Norris Experience
- Da Vinci Code 6: The Vatican Strikes Back
- Da Vinci Code Red: The Kremlin Strikes Back
- Da Vinci Code 7: Opus Dei Meets Bill the Cat
- Da Vinci Code 8: Freddy vs Sophie
- Da Vinci Code 9: Gods Gone Wild
- Da Vinci Code 19:(Guest Director:Mr. T)
- Da Vinci Code 20: Snakes In An Art Gallery (starring Samuel L Jackson).
- Da Vinci Code 42: The Hidden Mystery of the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
- Da Vinci Code 80:The Long Journey Home
- Da Vinci Code Blue: Revenge of the Liberals
- Da Vinci Code 404: Error
- Da Vinci Code 419 (In which the Holy Grail is transferred to your bank account by someone in Nigeria).
- Da Vinci Code 420: The Quest for the Holy Herb.
- Da Vinci Code 4:21 : The Day After
- Da Vinci Code 583: Jesus Strikes Back
- Da Vinci Code 666: How the Grinch Stole Christians
- Da vinci Code 9,072,087:I still know that you scream when Da Vinci says you've got mail in the little shop arond the corner
- Da Vinci Code 651,000,000: The End of the Gods
- Da Vinci Code 20th Anniversary Edition.
- Da Vinci Code: Gus Van Sant's shot for shot remake of the original Da Vinci Code Movie.
- Da Vinci Toad
- Da Vinci Toad Goes To New York and kills himself
- Da Vinci's Choad
- Da Vinci in da Hood
- Da Vinci Code: Marilyn Manson and Ian Mckellen go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Gary Brolsma and Ozzy Osbourne go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Chris Benoit and Mike Huckabee go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Zac Efron and Gil Grissom go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Tony Romo and Tommy Douglas go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Jim Carrey and JK Rowling go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: Solid Snake and Dario Franchitti go to White Castle
- Da Vinci Code: The Return of The King of Kings
