Demon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
A Demon or Daemon is a maleficent creature, spawned by Satan, conjured by ill-intent, and abjured by the darkness and deepness within the human soul. They are summoned from beyond the seventh ring of the HellRealms, beyond the domain of even the most depraved of mortals, L. Ron Hubbard included. Though their forms are numerous, they all emerge from roughly the same source--the Deeper Hellrealms, beyond which no entity, mortal or immortal, can survive. Not to be confused with a rabbit or Richard Simmons.
Contents |
[edit] Summoning Demons
Summoning a demon requires three equally important traits; A) Cunning, B) Access to Demonological texts and their requisite diagrams, and C) A fleshy mammal.
To begin with, warm mammalian blood must be spilt upon the earth; long the preferred sustenance of hell-entities (though barbecued meat is slightly-more preferred).
Then, the user must intimately acquaint himself with the diagrams needed to trap the ethereal demons in physical form. As beings of abstract malice, they can be bound by forms of order, such as circles, equilateral runic octagons, clean and crisply-folded bedsheets, and your mother. These forms must be correctly arranged, as the slightest slip-up can result in an unsatisfactory result (often involving your innards being splattered against the nearest hard surface).
Once bound to earth, the demon will immediately attempt negotiation, often in obscure Victorian-era english. A simple application of any of the demonic anathemae (flowers, fuzzy rabbits, little girls, etc) will shift his vocabulary into the most convenient language at hand.
It is at this point that cunning may be required. Demons will invariably attempt the tried and true tricks of negotiation, including double negatives (IE "Are you sure that you don't not want to sell your soul to us?), and whispered addendums. To match this devious skill, one must either possess great linguistic cunning, or have access to a twelve-year old. Both options are fraught.
After negotiations it is important to remember the name of the demon summoned, as names hold power. In particular, they hold the power to tattle to his immediate superior for mediocre service--and as everyone knows, the manager of Hell is rarely lenient.
For more information on summoning, see Yu-Gi-Oh.
[edit] Mating Habits
Contrary to what one might expect, demons do breed, albeit rarely, and never without good reason. (Examples: Boredom, Irritation, Hatred, Lack of food, Libidinous urges, Itchiness) Most mating rituals require physical bodies, which demons can acquire very easily through means of possession.
Demon mating rituals carry on for several weeks to only a few minutes depending on their type. Most often, they involve female demons cleaning, washing up, prettifying themselves, and applying expensive perfume, as a prelude to demonic foreplay, which, on the part of the male, involves little more than a bottle of bourbon, a weak, sullen mind, and a ham-sized fist. Note that the fist in question is, more often than not, a moving fist.
In this way, it is very similar to the married human male pastime known as "stress relief."
[edit] Demons in Captivity
Once captive, a demon can be put to a variety of uses, across a broad range of spectrums. Unix programmers have managed to domesticate demons to run around in the background of multitasking operating systems and make sure that everything works.They usually handle tasks the user can not be bothered with.
The popular "Muppet Show" children's series is made up almost completely of captive demons, and the arcane masters who preside over them, atop mounds of sacrificed and dying infants. These mounds are hard to recognize, as they are often kept well off-screen.
Not as well that both political parties of the [[USA], the natal birthplace of demonology, utilise demons in their campaigns.
[edit] Notable Demons and Demonic Species
[edit] Anti-demon
In 1894, a team of crack demologists, operating their very own LDC--a Large Demonic Collider (made of two cannons, filled with ectoplasm and pointed roughly at each other)discovered, through intense pressure and excessive force, that the opposite of a demon is not, in fact, an angel but instead is a creature so horrible that its name cannot be uttered lest it destroys the entire world. This is not as serious a problem as it may seem, because the pronunciation of this word requires the speaker's vocal cords to extend into the tenth dimension.
[edit] Tentacle Demon
The Tentacle demon is a variety found only in the deep, deep Orient, in the land where gods and demons fall and rot and putrefy. In other words, Japan. They lack both central nervous and circulatory systems, along with the majority of normal organic organs. They are composed solely of long, inexplicably extendable phalluses--which are used in myriad, often disturbing ways. An example of Tentacle Demon mating rituals can be seen in the much loved family film Bambi.
[edit] Belial - One of the Arch Dukes of Hell
Belial's sexual behaviour is terrible to behold. Despite lacking the usual Demonic apparatus (a horrific implement termed "the Twin-scaled Blade" by premier Penisologists) he has porked his way through history in some amusing and moronic ways. The Catholic Church has been busy recording the vile exploits of Belial since the time of well-known womanizer [a[Saint Peter]], because they find that sort of thing rather exciting.
Belial is rumored to have served as a midshipman onboard the United Galaxies Sanitation Patrol Cruiser HMS Adam Quark during the Y3K crisis and the Eugenic Wars. After behing dishonarably discharged from his service in the sanitation patrol for pulling numerus pranks on his superior officers in 3138, Belial returned to Earth. He moved to Rome as Chief Advisor to Bill Gates when later began his reign as Pope Billigatus I. During this time he fathered numerous children with an anonymus prostitute, taught a cockatoo how to read, won the lottery twice and was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, fourteen Purple Hearts and the German Knight's Cross. Belial moved to Hell upon his retirement and became an Arch Duke.
He is often accompanied by his semi-consort, The Maleficent Mcario. Known also as the "Hellmother", she is a foul creature who cooks the unborn fetal eggs of her children, then throws them at other, less-cooked children. Because she is in a constant state of pregnancy, her mass is far to large to fit through doors, gates, or even pit-traps. The astrological society of Silliness went so far as to classify the Hellmother as an astrological anomaly; a planet in her own right. She is hated by all.
Demons live on a diet consisting of tofu, fish, grain and Mountain Dew, along with 2-year-old children, 4-month-old children, chicken livers, small cherries in the shape of Chuck Norris' left nipple, and english teachers. Not that amongst the many creatures that prey upon instructors of the english language, only the demon possesses the force of will necessary to keep it all from coming back up again.
[edit] Nanodemon
These demons are composed entirely of carbon nanotubes and are usually found under the fingernails of physicists and materials scientists.
[edit] Speed Demon
These demons are best known for following too close in traffic. They are also responsible for bringing beach balls to concerts.
[edit] Orgasm Demon
The specialized type of demon used while operating an orgasm.
[edit] MAILER DAEMON
This sort of demon is an irritating one which destroys your unsaved essay you send to your teacher one day before when it is due. It was employed by "Yahoo! Mail" at a salary of $19.99 a week.
[edit] De-Mon
This is an ancient jamaican demon, and only a few have been in existence in the world. Their size is incredibly small, measuring a maximum of 2.3x10^-19nm. They are oftentimes found in the joints used in Jamaica, and many doctors have concluded that the work of addicts, such as asking for "Spare Change to Eat" is the actual work of this little guy.
[edit] Habitat
Demons natural habitat has come under increased pressure in the last few years, with the introduction of a new rival in the form of the Chav. Because of this most Demons have packed up their bags and left for a new life in south of France.
