Daily Mail

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Warning: This article might contain racism. Check the movie and edit this article accordingly if it contains one or more of the following: Swastikas, white robes, Morgan Freeman, Germany as it appeared in the 1940s, Mexico as it appears today, AK-47s, Muslims, one-armed black people, fried chicken, product placement or Linux.

“Never in history has any newspaper worked out so many different ways of printing headlines that are codes for "We Hate Foreigners".”

~ This Guy on The Daily Mail

“I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.”

~ Some Woman on The Daily Mail

“I love the daily mail - it's much better than private eye.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Daily Mail

“FILTHY IMMIGRANT BEAR TERRORIZES LONDON STATION!!!”

~ The Daily Mail on Paddington Bear

“WHERE IS MY FUCKING JAPAN WEEKLY PAPER!?!”

~ Godzilla on Daily Mail

“I love the article on SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!.”

~ Leonidas on his Daily Mail

A typical Copy of the "Daily Hate"

Often referred to as 'Facism with Oven Gloves on" The Daily Wail, also known as The Daily Heil is a hugely popular British comic for those who believe themselves (usually mistakenly) to be members of the middle classes. A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which describe how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, the homeless and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.

The Mail was first issued on 26 July 1932 (dated 30 July). The headline on the first edition was 'The British Union of Fascists: Our Patriotic Angels!'. The present editor is Paul Dacre, known for his sweet and engaging personality, anti-swearing policy and rare porcelain collection. Dacre died in 1984, but was brought back to life by Jushin Thunder Liger in 1991, only to be run over by a truck in 1992, and again for luck in 2001.

More recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London taxi driver Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them".

The Daily Mail comes in a few languages.

It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question can be answered with the word 'No'. Hence 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' and 'Is The Daily Mail In Any Way Reasonable?'.

A first issue of The Daily Mail sold for £1 on 16 March 2004, which was, at the time, the lowest price ever paid for chip wrapping-paper at auction.

[edit] Sections

The Front page of the Mail consists of several major parts.

At the top right is the "Free Shit corner". This is occasionally given the "Dead blondes Sector" instead. The Dead Blondes sector, located just below the Mail logo, is devoted to reporting on Madeleine, Diana and formerly Jill Dando. It is also occasionally replaced with some information on the latest cure for cancer. Then there is the main headline, about how Britain in falling apart to to "Health and Safety gypsies" or the like. To the right of this is "Dead Blondes corner part 2" or the "Keira Knightley you're so pretty please don't sue us again" area.

[edit] Editorial stance

Pictured above:A daily mail fan at a bi-annual convention

During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate and liberal while the latter were German and therefore European^[1]. Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses ^[2], while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.

[edit] The Typical Daily Mail News Story

A typical Daily Mail reader, incensed at the flood of immigrants swamping his sceptred isle

GUARDIAN-READING, FEMINIST, GYPSY ASYLUM-SEEKER CONTINUES REIGN OF TERROR

An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, muslim, satanic heavy metal-worshipping, paedophile has continued to terrorise a community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Perhaps one just like YOURS!

The homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Allah. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" COMMUNISTIC regime of Tony "Big Brother" Blair. The British values system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!! And we're not talking about "the jams" either!!

In other news, scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between SERIAL KILLING and use of the teenagers' drug skunk-cannabis, video games, cheese and reading the Daily Mail. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!

This sort of thing is typical of the Decade Of Horror that is Blair's Britain. Only YOU can stop this by going out and STORMING PARLIAMENT (with angry letters)

[edit] The Daily Hypochondriac

At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off sticking the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely besides the point. Clinical studies have shown that niether of their readers' attention spans last that long.

[edit] Things which cure/prevent cancer

Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, and reading the Daily Mail.

[edit] Things which cause cancer

Being tall at 14, reading the Guardian, not eating, immigrants, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, immigrants, vaccines (particularly MMR), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, alcohol (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, immigrants homosexuals, chips, not having children before 27, immigrants, the poor, biscuits, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active after 29, baby food, drugs, having children before 26, immigrants, WiFi (whatever that is), voting Labour, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), immigrants, plastic, "chemicals"^[3], immigrants, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, immigrants, Eating food, driving when you're under 24, Islam and of course immigrants.

[edit] Astrology -what every parent should know

Astrology sections are written by sky-wizards like Jonathan Cainer. Cainer's name is a pun, since he is always drunk when he writes his predictions.

With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time). The Daily Mail (big fans of law n' order and all that) was the first newspaper (sic) in Britain to publish Horoscopes. (Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake!). Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherants. After making so many people swallow astrology convincing the public about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system should be a piece of cake really.

[edit] Sabotage by the Guardian

The Daily Mail ran headlines in the winter of 1992 stating that Asylum Seekers were the natural predators of Paedophiles. Such a stance caused great strife amongst the Daily Mail's readers who were confused as to which they hated more. The Daily Mail subsequently claimed that the headline was written by a saboteur from the Guardian (who was also a crack addicted single mother)

Just some of the hilarious antics of Lord "Snooty" Rothermere

[edit] List of Daily Mail Catchphrases

[edit] Common Headlines

• PAEDOPHILE ASYLUM-SEEKERS SWAMP BRITAIN
• BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
• TIDE OF ASIANS UNSTOPPABLE
• WORKING WOMEN - WHY OH WHY?
• SIKHS IN SURREY: IS NOWHERE SAFE?
• PAKIS RUN WILD IN TUNBRIDGE WELLS
• FURY AS MUSLIM MOVES NEXT DOOR
• NOW IN BROWN'S BRITAIN BEING RACIST IS "RACIST"
• LESBIAN ASYLUM-SEEKERS TORMENT MIDDLE-ENGLAND
• BOY IN ROAD ACCIDENT AFTER PLAYING RESIDENT EVIL 4!
• STUDIES SHOW GAYS ARE CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING!
• WORKING CLASS SCUM WITHIN 50 MILES OF YOUR SUBURB
• WILL WHITE BRITONS GO THE WAY OF THE RED SQUIRREL?
• HOW BROWN FLEECES MIDDLE-CLASS TO FUND GAY ADOPTION
• ARE BRUSSELS BUREAUCRATS DEFRAUDING HARD WORKING BRITS?
• OSWALD MOSLEY NAMED GREATEST BRITON IN DAILY MAIL POLL
• NICK GRIFFIN NAMED 'BRITAIN'S SEXIEST MAN' IN DAILY MAIL POLL
• BANANA BOAT SIGHTED OFF HELIGOLAND BIGHT; ROYAL NAVY ON HIGH ALERT
• CLAMP DOWN ON BEGGARS AND PAVEMENT CYCLISTS FREES CITY FROM TERROR
• NHS STILL EXISTS! WORKING CLASS GETS FREE HEALTHCARE! YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!
• BRITAIN'S BELEAGURED MOTORISTS FACE PERSECUTION FROM MORE SPEED CAMERAS
• 98 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER DIES DAYS AFTER CHILD RECEIVES TRIPLE JAB - "NO COINCIDENCE" SAYS FAMILY
• HOW CANNABIS TURNED MY LIFELONG ASBO-RIDDEN, TRUANT, THIEVING, HEROIN-ADDICTED, CRACKHEAD, PSYCHOPATHIC, VIOLENT TEENAGE BOY INTO A MURDERER
• EVIL ISLAMIC NEWSPAPERS PRINT EXAGGERATIONS AS HEADLINES!
• PROOF, ALL CATHOLIC PRIESTS ARE PEDOPHILES, AND POLISH

[edit] Popular Past Headlines

1940s - TRAITOR CHURCHILL VICTIMISES HARMLESS MOSLEY AND HITLER!
1950s - FILTHY COMMIE ATLEE INTRODUCES HATEFUL NHS!
1960s - FURY AS WILSON ANNOUNCES REFORM!
1970s - DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
1980s - BELOVED HERO THATCHER TWATS THE ARGENTINES! HURRAH!
1990s - ABORTION LOVING, GAY SUPPORTING LABOUR WINS RIGGED ELECTION!

[edit] Current Catchphrases

• So-Called-Experts
• Unelected Eurocrats
• Costing millions to the taxpayer
• You Couldn't Make It Up
• Chilling:
• As a woman, (Amanda Platell)
• The majority of decent, hard-working people
• Left-Wing Liberal Elite
• Why oh why oh why oh why?
• What Every Parent Should Know
• Trendy Teaching Methods
• Permissive Society
• Ran (or Running) Amok
• <insert policy here> Madness!
• Political Correctness Gone Mad
• On Your Doorstep
• Stealth Tax
• Whining Liberals ^[4].
• Aggressive Beggars
• Lycra Louts
• Rave Vicars
• Postcode Lottery
• Brown's Britain^[5]
• Fury As...^[6]
• FREE DVD - (pick up at WH Smith, limited supplies of 3 per city)

[edit] Past Catchphrases

"Hurrah!"

• "Hurrah for the Blackshirts"^[7].
• "The crown of Hungary? For me? Oh, you shouldn't have."
• Popular Daily Heil Competition : "You are my Führer and I claim my five Reichmarks."
• "MY DEAR FUHRER EVERYONE IN ENGLAND IS PROFOUNDLY MOVED BY THE BLOODLESS SOLUTION OF THE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN PROBLEM STOP PEOPLE NOT SO MUCH CONCERNED WITH TERRITORIAL READJUSTMENT AS WITH THE DREAD OF ANOTHER WAR WITH ITS ACCOMPANYING BLOODBATH STOP FREDERICK THE GREAT A GREAT POPULAR FIGURE IN ENGLAND MAY NOT ADOLF THE GREAT BECOME AN EQUALLY POPULAR FIGURE STOP I SALUTE YOUR EXCELLENCY'S STAR WHICH RISES HIGHER AND HIGHER"

[edit] Things the Mail believes are true

• If a white person and a non-white person apply for the same job The State makes the poor employer pick the brown person against his will, even if the brown fella is an unqualified, blind, comatosed ex-street sweeper and the job is Neurosurgery.
• The Driver Is Always The Victim.
• Everything gives you cancer.
• Immigrants deliberately spread serious foreign diseases, including polio, with which they hope to destroy the Anglo-Saxon gene pool.
• Madonna is news.
• It is illegal to fly a Union Jack or celebrate St George's Day without permission from the council.
• If you attempt to celebrate St George's day or Englishness generally you can be arrested. If, however, you are an immigrant wishing to celebrate your native culture you will be provided with taxpayer's money by The State to do so.
• If someone wants to paint a mural of Osama bin Laden with "Death to the Infidels" underneath it they will be given money to do so by the local council.
• The 'Human Rights Act' exists only to furnish convicted child murderers with cushy, Xbox and Plasma-TV filled 'cells'.
• Chile under Augusto Pinochet was actually freer than Britain under Labour. This was because, once you set aside minor issues like torture, murder, rape, banning of political activity and military-controlled government businesses had less red tape to deal with and there were no speed cameras to entrap and victimise motorists.
• Homosexuals all know each other and work together to promote "buggery" and other vices.
• The BBC is run by homosexuals, jews , communists and muslims.
• It is extremely difficult to run a business in the UK because Labour (who are controlled by homosexuals and trade unionists) have tied them all up in red tape. This is why the British economy is quite clearly failing.
• The European Union is like the Soviet Union in every single way. This is why Tony Blair likes it so much.
• The Anglo-Saxon Race English-speaking peoples of the world are essentially united in all things and any disagreements are the results of infiltration by jews, homosexuals, muslims and atheists. Whist America currently leads the reich unofficial community of english-speaking nations this anomaly will be corrected in time.
• If a crime is committed by an immigrant it is much worse than if the same crime was committed by a native briton. If the immigrant was here illegaly, the severity of the crime is automatically increased tenfold.
• Paying income tax is actually more oppressive than being taken into a cell and beaten-up.
• Inheritance tax is even worse.
• When white people run businesses they are hard-working risk-takers who deserve their riches. When hook-nosed darker races do the same they are scheming, greedy cabalists working together to exploit and extort.
• Whilst there is a need to crack down on crime this does not apply to speeding drivers or those killed or injured by so-called "corporate negligence" because anyone injured by the former should have damn well looked where they were going and those who regard the latter as victims of crime simply don't understand business^[8].
• When Melanie Philips claims that all Muslims are involved in a conspiracy to infiltrate and destroy Christian Europe she is not comparable to the likes of Slobodan Milosevic and others in that region who may have claimed similar things as they were dirty continental Slavs with hate-clouded brains and she is an clear-thinking Briton telling it like it is. If you can't understand the difference then you are a fool!
• Margaret Thatcher will one day return to be our saviour!

[edit] Pastimes of Employees

When not creating ground-breaking and entirely factual articles for their fantastic and 100% unbiased 'news'paper members of the Daily Mail writing staff and their editors like to indulge in hobbies including, but not limited to:

The Mail strikes gold!

• Setting fire to puppies.
• Fiddling with the brake-control on motorised wheelchairs.
• Mass genocide.
• Attempting to save Hitler's brain.
• Bludgeoning kittens to death.
• Kicking the homeless.
• Racing blind people.
• Laughing at the less-fortunate.
• Destroying rainforests.
• Making lampshades from the skin of asylum seekers.
• Stamping on baby birds.
• Attending WW2 re-enactments to tell the Nazis that they are not trying hard enough.
• Drive-by shootings of ethnic minorities.
• Molesting their own grandmothers.
• Eating babies
• Setting fire to any shop that sells The Guardian
• Denying the Holocaust
• Celebrating the Holocaust as the greatest moment is history
• Highlighting favourite passages from Mein Kampf.
• Murdering Peace Protesters.
• Fuming with rage
• Ethnic Cleansing
• Chasing the poor with sticks
• Golf

[edit] "Abortion Hope after 'genes' findings" Update

Scientists have recently announced that they have successfully identified the gene in human DNA that causes people to be Daily Mail readers. MP George Galloway has welcomed this breakthrough and has sponsored a private members bill in Parliament raising the abortion time limit for foetuses carrying the gene from 24 weeks to 85 years (or longer in certain circumstances) #. However, this proposal has run into trouble with the Racial equality commission, who have ruled that if being a Daily Mail reader is caused by genetics they are a distinct racial group.

Needless to say the Daily Mail itself has condemned the ruling as "political correctness gone mad".

[edit] Oirish Edition, Polish supplement

In 2006, an Irish edition of the Daily Mail was launched, followed in 2007 by a Polish suppplement called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards' in the Mail on Sunday. For 2008 the same publishers are hoping to follow up these successes with the launch of a Hebrew translation of the classic Mein Kampf.

[edit] It Was The Mail Wot Won It

After a mere decade, Communist leader Tony Blair has been forced to step-down from his position in the politbureau under relentless pressure from the freedom-fighters at the Daily Mail. Truly, this is a victory for the real Britain.

Rest-assured, so-called Gordon Brown will face a similar struggle.

[edit] Notable regular contributors (past and present)

• Peter Hitchens- Is supposed to write a weekly column but is usually too busy reading Asian Babes.
• Simon Heffer- Left in 2005. Now tours the world teaching dating seminars.
• Stephen Glover- The resident joker of The Mail. Causes hysterical laughter with his frequent claims not to have supported the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.
• Francisco Franco- Sacked in 2002 after being judged too left-wing.
• Richard Littlejohn- Poached from The Sun in 2005. Regarded as a journalistic masterstroke which led to droves of horny young working-class men switching to the ultra-prude arch-Tory Mail and learning to hate and fear themselves in line with the tabloid's editorial stance.
• Melanie Phillips- aka "Mad Mel". Stay off the West side.

[edit] See Also

• Evil
• Fascist
• Nazi
• Hitler
• Die Strumer
• Daily Sport
• The Sun
• Daily Express
• Retard
• National Front

[edit] External Links

• the Daily mail website (well close enough)
• For DIY enthusiasts
• Daily Mail story generator - no more need for meddlesome journos - its automatic!
• MailWatch- See how the Daily Mail has truly messed up a story

[edit] Footnotes