The Daily Torygraph
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“Weren't they the bastards who had me sent down for screwing those moist, nubile young men behind their offices?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Daily Torygraph
Contents |
[edit] In which "The Turd Of Collosal Stature" is born
On the 28th of September, 1066 the Daily Torygrapgh was born in a shower of placenta, shit and unspeakable right-wing fury from the womb of Lady Black. Within ten minutes of its bloody birth, it put out the first edition with a 10,000 page article in which it criticised the government for "letting all these damned immigrants into our country." Nobody thought to point out that this might have been because the French were invading. It then spent the next 200 years complaining about how the dirty immigrants were ruining the country and controlling the government. After the 200 year period, someone got pissed off and shot the entire editing board and the owner. Nobody cared, although this may have been because nobody read it and it had been shoved up some peasant's arse called Sir Geoffery Hugh Wittingstall of No 1 Kensington Gore. All 900,000 copies. And a couple of cigarettes. And a copy of Mein Kampf. Oh and some person who did was so such an anal retentive that he started doing some anal gazing. Did so much that he shot up his own arse.
[edit] The birth of Modern Torygraph
Eventually Sir Geoffery had to take a shit and the modern Torygraph was born, and it immediately started World War One by giving an interview to KAISER WILHELM DIE SECONDEN which severely damaged Telegraph-Das Bild relations which lead to an all out war between the two papers which eventually culiminated in Anglo-German war. By this time of course the Torygraph had been bought out by a man with such a long name that it had over fifty parts, two post (ZIP for all you Yanks) codes and a parlimentry constituency. By the end of the war it had changed hands again, but this time to someone with a damn silly name which looks like "Lord Peacock St.Bottom OBE, CBE, KPD, XPD, UVD, BluRay Disc, HD-DVD, SED, LCD, UMD, PS3, XBOX 360, NBA, NFL, QRSTUVWXYZ, Oscar Wilde's bastard love child and supreme commander of the order of the British shafting legion." The Torygraph spent the entirety of the Great War in a druknen stupour and in bed with some funny bloke it had met round at the pub last night after two shandies and a beer. This person later gave evidence to the Torygraph which led it to discover Oscar Wilde in a giant sex orgy with several moist, nubile young men behind its house-cum-office-cum-dustbin. None of which were Emos. The Daily Torygraph was instantly scarred by this delightful and slightly arousing sight and led it to pursue Oscar Wilde. Regrettably it was not for passionate man love, but to sue him for "committing gross acts of indecency with moist, nubile young men behind the Torygraph officers, oh god how I wanted to be there." as the judge at the trial put it.
After the war was over and Oscar Wilde had been duly shafted by some moist nubile young men, it discovered that there was in fact a big thing which had happened over the past 4 years. The only actual mention it gave to WWI was in the theatrical review section where it listed it as a "Joint crown princes of Europe Production" and gave it a 4/5 rating. During the inter-Wilde years it sat around listening to upper class twits whinge about the decline of society and lack of passionate, wild(e) love while slowly toasting crumpets between the arse cheeks of some young public school boys. They then made love to the crumpets. Using such sexual implements as whips, chains and butter
Then came the second war with Wilde, coincidentally at the same time WWII happened. Instead of covering the war, it instead was too busy grappling with its own sexuality and whether to join in on the rampant bum fun that Oscar was having or whether to fly off the handle with insanity and rush in beating everyone who was engaging in the homosexual acts with a very large stick. During 1945, it eventually flew off the handle and went in with a large stick, but rather than beating everyone it keeled over in shock as it saw its old friend The Guardian shagging Wilde. Wilde then made some witty, dry and amusing comments before being trapped by a bunch of psychos from Uncyclopedia so he could write quotes for them and pass it off as comedy.
[edit] The Daily Torygraph today
Is non-existent, as it keeled over for so long that someone picked it up and shoved it straight back up Sir Geoffery Hugh Wittingstall of No 1 Kensington Gore's arse. Each day dedicated paper boys carry 900,000 copies of the day's edition to Sir Geoffery's now colossal rectum and dump them in, just so that we don't have to look at the atrocious shit garnishing the paper's front page (usually some 18 year old girls with large breasts jumping up in the air with some rubbish A-level results flapping about). Did I mention that the paper boys have to be replaced each day because the ones who dumped yesterday's paper in have all got such bad hernias that there brains fall out every time they bend over. Either that or Oscar Wilde shafts them from behind.
[edit] What to do in the event of not liking this article
You could go read a "better" article. Like the one about Motorway service stations or perhaps your habit of being a motherfucker.
