Dalek

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This is not a Dalek.
This is not a Dalek.
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Dalek Fred?


“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks on the Universe

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks on gourmet dining

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks on interior design

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks on some guy

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!”

~ Daleks on the Morning Show

“EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!!!EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!!EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!!!”

~ Daleks on Paris Hilton

“I did not have sexual relations with that man.”

~ Bill Clinton on Davros

“I wanna spend my Christmas with a Dalek.”

~ The Go-Go's on Daleks

“Why take two Daleks into the shower when you could just take one?”

~ An advert on Daleks

Dalek is the common name for the waste receptacles common throughout the British Isles and the planet Skaro, who double as the leaders of the church of Scientology. The Daleks are not to be confused with the Hoovers, which originate from a different star-system altogether, nor with the salt-shaker, which is a primitive weapon used on the planet Earth for killing snails. Daleks can also be used as mini-fallout shelters.

Regrettably, the Dalek race has gained an inaccurate and unfair association with repeated attempts at universal invasion, destruction or otherwise extermination. The most famous Dalek is Dalek Fred, the unsung hero who actually succeeded in shooting the Doctor.

Contents

[edit] Invention

A joke in Time-Lord culture goes that Daleks were created by Davros at precisely EX-TER-MIN-EIGHT o' clock Dalek time. Apparently they find this immensely funny.

Contrary to popular belief, Daleks were in fact conceived by surprise sex. This was acceptable in the 80's as an alternative to Calvin Harris.

[edit] Really?

No.

[edit] Oh.

Yeah, actually the first Dalek was created by Dave Ross (Dave Ross > Davros? Oh, never mind...) for the 1963 Festival of Britain as a radical new design for a 'Space Age' vacuum cleaner. However, it went horribly wrong.

[edit] Dalek hobbies

[edit] Further Uses

After the surge in Dalek fashion accesories in 60's Britain, many more uses besides alternately using their suckers for tidying and fellatio became culturally acceptable. Most notably:

  • As popularised in the advertisement 'Why take two Daleks into the shower when you could just take one?', many British people now routinely take their annual bath or shower with their Daleks as a good luck charm. This practice has been made illegal in Stasiland, Molvania, Switzerland and Turkmenistan.

Daleks are also used as:

  • Mini-fallout shelters
  • Flower pots, the most famous Dalek examples being the brothers Bill and Ben 'The Flower Pot Men' Hilton.
  • Rather fashionable headwear

[edit] Tough

Daleks are very hardy machines and known for their survivability in almost any Terrain; a good case in point demonstrated by their lasting on the planet Siberia. One was used by a blind albino women named Dorothy (and claimed to have been exiled to Siberia after Comrade Ceausescu couldn't find any possible way for them to be champion Gymnasts), and her pesky Goat both survived inside Daleks.

[edit] The Most Famous Dalek of Them All

R2D2 is the most famous Dalek of them all, and the first to be used as a chassis for a Robot. George Lucas demanded that a special miniature Dalek be used to house the hardware, to the point where he even summoned The Borg Queen to construct it for him (out of programming from Rosie the Robot, of course). R2D2 is the Dalek company's best mascot, demonstrating the durability and versatility of their product.

Just kidding. Dalek Fred is of course the most famous Dalek.


[edit] The Paradox of the Daleks

This is best demonstrated by this rather nifty counter.

Number of planets the Dalek empire has conquered when on the verge of both existence and non-existence:


It is a curious feature of the Daleks that the more completely and utterly they are destroyed, the more powerfully they seem to return, as the counter shows: the size of the Dalek Empire at any given time has repeatedly been porved to be inversely proportional to how much the Doctor fucking nukes them. In fact it has been proposed that the only way the Daleks can be destroyed is to let them invade the whole Universe, because in this case they will most likely end up exterminating themselves, thereby causing some time-wimey, paradoxical, piss-poor plot-hole, and be sucked back up the vagina that bore them, namely Davros's.

A Dalek genetic experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong
A Dalek genetic experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong

[edit] Mutations

Sometimes, Daleks become extremely self-conscious and decide to go get Plastic Surgery. For a Dalek, this involves eating a human, and then un-eating the human, resulting in a creature resembling a Zombie or something. At times, this process can backfire, and the Dalek commits suicide.

Other known Dalek mutations include:

  • Dalek having Human feelings
  • Human DNA in Daleks
  • Time Lord DNA in Daleks
  • Dalek DNA in Humans
  • Time Lord DNA in Human Daleks
  • Dalek DNA in Time Lord Humans
  • Dalek DNA in Human Pigs
  • Pig DNA in Dalek Humans
  • Eddie Izzard DNA in a Transvestite Dalek
  • Time Lord DNA in Dalek Pig Humans
  • Dalek DNA in 1930s New York
  • 1930s New York with Dalek Pig Human Time Lords
  • Humans kissing Time Lords getting killed by Dalek Human Pigs
  • Martha Stewart DNA in a Pig Dalek
  • Dalek DNA in David Letterman
  • Pig Human Dalek DNA in Mel Gibson
  • Karl Stefanovic
  • The Grim Ripper
  • Toaster Daleks created by the Emperor

[edit] The Last Real Dalek

One of the last "Real" (by that I mean a Dalek that has a little midget hiding in it and controlling it to his evil will) is said to exist in the National Museum of Photography, Film and Television located in Bradford; of all the places in the world.

Notice the blue coach behind the Dalek for no reason.
Notice the blue coach behind the Dalek for no reason.

[edit] Extermination of humans

Ryan and his almighty wiggage exterminated.
Ryan and his almighty wiggage exterminated.


[edit] See Also

The novel The Creature is also available in paperback.



* The Daleks probably came first, but with all this shit about them both time traveling, they probably ripped off each other. YAY!!![[Image:Image:Example.jpg]]

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