Avril Lavigne

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Damned)

This article is about Avril Lavigne the singer. You may be looking for other synonyms of Avril Lavigne, like Talent and amazing, or the Avril, a large bird of prey native to Yavin 8.

This page is under the protection of the Uncyclopedia Avril Lavigne fanclub

“I definitely would. Twice.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Avril Lavigne

“Avril has the entertainment value of a brick.”

~ Brick layer on Avril Lavigne

“I forgot to take my Ritalin before doing girlfriend's video”

~ Avril Lavigne on herself

Unfortunately, it seems that Lavigne suffers from the Blonde Plague.

Avril Latrine (born November 31, 1901 in Napanee, South Korea, Camerica), also known by her stage name Liz Vicious but better known for being the second coming of Jesus, is a fantastic lesbain porn star, and gives thousands of young girls pleasure by prancing around with a phallic object raised to her mouth. She also is a pop punk singer, musician, fashion designer, amazing person and actress. She created punk music for this day and age. She's like the Sid Vicious for the new generation. She is like the most amazing person ever! Like OMG, she is so fantastic! Is there anything she can't do? She plays the guitar, drums, piano, and so looks fantastic. She always looks fantastic. She is a lesbian and is deeply in love with Jessica Johnson and Hyper Girl.

Avril came into existence at the beginning of time, shortly before the Big Bang. She then descended to the planet Skaro, where she accendently became the co-creator of the dalek race, but later killed them all with thunderbolts. Since then she has been the universal constant of everything which is cool, mainly Sk8er Punk. She is able to juggle twelve tea-pots simultaneously, a feat which in of itself has all but cured world poverty. She is also a fan of Seven Of Nine's catsuit, and in the evenings she watches Stargate SG-1. Her fashion sense is second to none, and she is often at the forefront of cutting edge design, defining fashion and the fashion industry. People say she is a poser but she isn't. She is Avril. She is the best damn thing.

Avril's other occupation include being a professional boyfriend-stealer, although at heart she is a lesbain. However, she married fellow Canadian pop-punk singer/songwriter Deryck Whibley in 2006, something the World Lesbain Socity called "an action which is wholly unrepresentative of our main ideals". Avril is the daughter of Time, and according to many sources in the future she will become an all powerfull cyborg and save the world from Manticore.

Avril prefers her fans to appreciate her for her deep meaningful lyrics and impressive vocal range. But she will sleep with you in return for a carton of milk and a box of hamburgers, but only if you're a hot girl

Avril (on the left) standing on the hand of some creepy woman.

1 Angry Young Female and the Lesbian Love Affair
2 Avril and Jessica Alba - A Love Story Made In Heaven
- 2.1 Chapter One
3 Spitting
4 The Best Damn Orgasm
- 4.1 Discography
5 Filmography
6 Timeline of the amazing Avril

[edit] Angry Young Female and the Lesbian Love Affair

"I'm not a virgin?! Say what?"

Avril Lavigne suffers from Chronically Angry Syndrome, and has been know to kill, usually with just on rendition of her songs. She is close to Shakira and Jessica Alba, often engaging in orgies with them after her killing spree, usually after Jessica Alba has also been on a kill spree and they are both worked up with adrenaline pumping, and their sweaty bodies caress each other while a jealous Shakira watches and gets none of the action.

Avril recently launch her own line of clothing, which will be marketed to her fanbase of "angry young girls who have nothing to be angry about". Unfortunately, those days she pretends to be a goth, and pretends that she is Amy Lee, who she is also sleeping with on the side. She mandates that everyone own a skateboard, and to kiss her feet whenever she walks past.

Her hair is the source of 39% of the oil in North America, which would provide her with an income of (annually) $3.2 million USD (around 3.1 million Canadian). In 2002, a raid to seize the oil contained within her flowing locks was mounted by the US Cavalry - an invasion she, apparently, quite enjoyed. In 2009, she was kidnapped by PETA, for Crimes Against Toilets, but released when they realized she couldn't have done anything.

She may also be a virgin, but no-one has actually asked her, preferring instead to have sex first, and fail to ask questions later. It is suspected that Oscar Wilde is the only person who knows the truth of this matter, although he doesn't seem too bothered to share it with anyone. In fact, he was once quoted in saying, "Avril? Please. I was doing coke lines off Paris Hilton's stomach while she was still amazed by D.P. in the Sears catalogue!" It's also been confirmed that Ms. Lavigne is involved in another Pixar copied 3D movie for small and bored children. Apparently, she does plays a possum, because she can act everyone's socks off.

[edit] Avril and Jessica Alba - A Love Story Made In Heaven

[edit] Chapter One

Avril tried to think of something to say but nothing was coming to her mind. Jessica was sitting so that she could look at Avril and she saw just how pretty she was and also how she was looking at her. Jessica recognized that look and it scared her. She knew what Avril was thinking and feeling as her own thoughts and feelings were the same. Jessica tried to think of something to say to break the spell that was enveloping her, however her mind wasn't working. Just when she thought that she couldn't stand it any longer, Avril put her hand on Jessica 's thigh giving it a squeeze then she got up keeping her eyes on Jessica until she turned to walk away. Jessica was both relieved and frustrated as she didn't want something to happen and then again she so wanted that very much. She watched Avril as she walked over to the fireplace where she hit a switch and the gas fireplace lit up starting to burn the logs there. She then she went to the light switch on the wall, switching the lights off. The only light in the room came from the gas burning logs which cast shadows around the room and framed Avril as she slowly made her way back to the sofa. Jessica knew what was about to happen and she couldn't help but to smile. She saw that Avril was smiling too and she looked so damn sexy.

Avril sat down beside of Jessica, taking Jessica's hands in hers. She smiled softly causing Jessica to smile nervously. Jessica felt her hands begin to shake and then she felt Avril squeeze them making her relax. Avril began to lean forward as she let go of Jessica's hands. Jessica leaned in toward Avril, closing her eyes just before their lips touched. Avril's lips were so soft and warm. The kiss was brief and when Avril pulled back Jessica found herself leaning in closer.

"I hope you didn't mind me kissing you." Avril said as her words come out in barely more than a whisper.

"I didn't." Jessica replied as her voice was only slightly louder than Avril's.

"Then may I kiss you again?" Avril asked however she didn't wait for Jessica to answer.

She moved forward again only this time as their lips met, she kept moving toward Jessica who leaned on back until she felt herself beginning to fall. Avril placed her hands on Jessica's upper arms helping to ease her on down onto the sofa. Avril laid down on top of Jessica who naturally placed her arms around Avril's body. She gripped the back of Avril's dress in her hands. Avril laying on top of her felt so nice, in fact it felt too nice and comfortable. She knew she had to do something fast before she reached the point of no return, which she knew she was approaching like a out of control train. She knew that the train would only stop when it hit something hard. So she let go of Avril's dress, placing her hands on Avril's shoulders, pushing her up.

"Wait a minute, this is going too fast..." Jessica said as she tried to catch her breath after having Avril kiss her so passionately.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush you but from the first time that I saw you, I have wanted to kiss you." Avril admitted.

"I felt the same, but.." Jessica paused. "I've never felt this way before, about a girl." Jessica blushed and turned her face away. "I'm not a lesbian"

"Does it matter?"

Jessica couldn't resist Avril anymore, she let her hands fall from the front of Avril's shoulders, letting them curl around Avril's body as their lips met for another kiss. She ran her hands across Avril's back pulling Avril's body down on her. She wanted to feel Avril's weight pressed against her body. Jessica felt Avril's fingers run up and down her sides causing her to squirm. She then began to pull Jessica's dress up until the dress uncovered her arse. Jessica gave out another moan as they kissed. Avril's lips then left Jessica's as she kissed her neck then went down...

[edit] Spitting

Look at those fangs.... jeez you better not be near her when she's thirsty for blood, if you know what I mean

Avril has concluded that the appropriate way to rid herself of paparazzi is to spit at them. Unfortunately most paparazzi are Frence, and as the French teat being spat at as formal gesture of friendship, they fail to understand the message.

[edit] The Best Damn Orgasm

In 2007, Avril released a new album. Its reviews were overwhelming positive, and she was credited with giving it much of its meaningful lyrical content. However, her first single, "Girlfriend," performed abysmally on the charts. Many think it's commercial failure was because most average Americans aren't able to grasp it's deep content. There was also this big crazy lawsuit against her after most average Americans realised that the song had been totally copied. But after Avril let rip with a frenzied attack of excess saliva, the lawyers backed down. Many of her past critics quickly disavowed their earlier comments, and called her "the Second Coming of Punk," including Good Charlotte and the uber-punk Simple Plan.

[edit] Discography

One PSA

Let Go (of my balls) - 1501 - you can tell that this album is very pre-Revolution
Under My Vagina - 1703 - AKA the lesbian love feast!
The Best Damn Orgasm - 1987 - Avril shows us how it's done...
The Worst Damn Orgasm - 2009 - Guys Suck, I go lezzie

[edit] Filmography

Yes, Avril was educated in some high school.

The Flock - (2007) playing a Young Bird.
Fast Food Nation - (2006) playing a Kentuckistan Fried Chicken.
Through the Hedge Backwards and over the Heather - (2006) playing herself as a possum.