Dark Matter
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“It's dark.”
~ Captain Obvious on Dark Matter
“It doesn't matter.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dark Matter
Dark Matter is stored in Rafael's arse. It is what normal matter becomes after it has been lost, misplaced or otherwise becomes inretrievable. Dark matter is said to largely consist of socks, kittens, car keys and WMD®. For this reason, the Bush administration will launch an invasion into the uncharted territories of dark matter. A French expedition was sent in, but they never returned. It is theorized they chickened out and escaped through the back door, or were eaten by a Grue, due to the overall darkness of dark matter. The Bush administration refuses to comment on the expedition's disappearance and why it was necessary to send in the French first.
While little is known about dark matter, an expedition of fluffy turtles verified that dark matter is dark. They also claim that anything you've lost is probably accumulated as dark matter somewhere down the back of your sofa, or alternatively your dog may have swallowed it.
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[edit] Origins
Several theories about the nature or origin of dark matter include:
- All piled-up AOL` CD's that keep coming millennium after millennium.
- Shaq's smelly old sneakers. Yuck.
- The US budget deficit.
- MSG to make stars taste better to black holes
- All the lost matching pairs of socks pile up at the edge of galaxies.
- Walmart expansions to the edge of galaxies.
- Chuck Norris
- Stored in Raf's ass after the big bang
These theories were recently proven false by Bill Nye the Science Guy, who revealed that dark matter is in fact the primordial substance from which the most awesome beings in the universe can arise. This can include Ninjas, Pirates, zombies, Chuck Norris, the Hamburglar, Trogdor, and any combinations of these. It is currently thought that if all dark matter currently in existence was immediately converted into awesome beings, the resulting wave of awesome would shatter reality.
[edit] Uses
Dark matter also has many interesting uses, which may or may not include the following:
[edit] Dark matter as an annoyance
Most computer problems are caused by dark matter. If someone tells you your computer is suffering from a PEBKAC ("Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair"), it means dark matter is wreaking havoc on your system, and you should consider patching it. Microsoft announced a patch would be ready by 2001. It later became evident that the programmers had slacked off and produced Halo instead. The PEBKAC problem exists to this very day.
It is also said that the BSOD or "blue screen of death" is caused by dark matter. How this dark matter forms is subject to debate. The most common theory is that all your lost RAM, settings and random data will congregate in a certain part of the motherboard, eventually confusing the CPU. From this point, your computer will exhibit erratic behaviour. For instance: your Microsoft Windows operating system may remain functional for prolonged periods of time. After a while, the OS itself will attempt to fix this behavious, resulting in a BSOD.
[edit] Dark matter as a fertilizer
It is theorized that the concentration of dark matter in your neighbour's garden is higher than in yours, due to garden tools he has borrowed from you. Appearantly the increased amount of dark matter promotes growth and greenness in your neighbours' garden. To countermend this, steal some of his stuff.
[edit] Dark matter as a means to hide WMD
Since, as mentioned above, dark matter is EVERYWHERE, and since it largely consists of WMD, you are, at this very moment, guilty of hiding them. WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, YOU DAMN TERRORIST! DON'T MOVE! DROP THE PUPPY!
[edit] Dark matter as a weapon
When a concentrated amount of dark matter is contained, it becomes extremely volatile, and could thus be used as a weapon. Sadly, like many particles physicists wished they had never discovered (ie: made up), this dark matter will blip in and out of existence constantly. More so; after dark matter remains concentrated for more than 30 seconds, it will form a black hole, and you will be fucked.
Some argue that the resulting black hole itself may be better suitable as a weapon than the dark matter from which it was created.
[edit] How to create your very own Dark Matter at home
Equipment
- A metal funnel. (To create the inverse anticonvectionmatter field.)
- A soda bottle or other adequate container for Dark Matter™. (Preferably vacuum sealed.)
- Car battery. (For the electromagnetic vortex.)
- A pair of jumper cables. (To attach to either your own, or a partner's testicles.)
Find a car in your neighbourhood any time after 9:00 pm. Crawl under the car and hook the jumper cable leads to the funnel. Pull the drain plug out of the bottom of the oil pan. Hold funnel underneath drain opening and allow dark matter to flow into the bottle. Quickly cap the bottle when full.
Dark matter is fun for people of all ages, and is often used by many a football quarterback to bend the light rays from the sun around their eyes for better vision on the field.
