Darwen

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“Those dark, satanic mills, the flowing River Darwen down to the Ribble, the moorland, what a shitehole”

~ Noel Coward on Darwen

“You Can Get A Right Tasty Pasty”

~ Chris Byrne on Darwen

Darwen is a small town, no bigger than a basket of fruit, situated in the East Lancs area of Northern England. The town was named after Charles Darwin, after he discovered the missing link between apes and humans were actually still alive and well living here. Official population figures are given as 60,000, but many believe the number is closer to 43, with many or most likely all people wearing different disguises from time to time often with 3 legged men eating dogs. Also there is a strong chav population who tend to nest outside of darwen's offlicence's and bus shelters. It has a small colony and soldier house called Runshaw College created for them by their lord and master tinky winky. It's also known to have strong connections to Narnia where it sends all of its beautiful people to be raped and burnt at a stake as they're far too good looking to live in this crummy little town.

Contents 1 History 2 Places to go and see 3 Local activities 3.1 Local Ramblings of Darwenian citizens section 4 Redevelopment plans 5 Interesting Facts

[edit] History

Darwen, also known as "Blackburn's founder" was founded in 10 million BC by a caveman, he and his wives left no evidence of their habitation. It is however known that he was there. More recently, in 1832 the Government decided to section off an area of Northern England for industrial activities, and chose Darwen, because only Mongs, Chavs and drugged cats called 'Wilma' lived there, and nobody cared.

Hundreds of cotton mills were built or flown in, some having to be stacked on top of one another, due to lack of space, which is one of many comparisons that can be drawn between Tokyo and Darwen. (Incidentally, Tokyo was named in 1999 as Darwens “Sister City”, after a long and fruitful relationship in the human traffic business.)

Unfortunately in the last fifty years or so, the demand for cotton fell, as clothes started to be produced from crude oil byproducts and into Kappa tracksuits. This meant that everybody lost their jobs, and started pratting around in wheelchairs to try and claim "compo". Either that or they were disabled.

The mayor of Darwen, Mr Mick Darwen, lives in the nearby hamlet of Hoddlesden with his common law wife, Erogenique. He has hairy, mal-formed, six-toed feet and has worked as the foot stunt double of Elijah Wood (Frodo Baggins) in the Lord of the Rings films. He also spent several years as the keyboard player and flautist of 1970s Dutch progressive rock band Focus. Written By an Arsehole from BLACKBURN

[edit] Places to go and see

There are many famous landmarks in darwen, and the town attracts a healthy number of visitors from Tokyo, who take many many pictures. A list is given but is by no means comprehensive. There is a finalised comprehensive list in the Tourist office.

• Jubilee tower: Many people think that this was opened by Queen Victoria during her jubilee anniversary to honour Darwen’s contribution to Britains prosperity during the industrial revolution. This is wrong, and anyone who says differently is a fucking liar. The tower is actually a rocket ship, it's waiting until the dawners masterplan of World Domination. When the darweners take over the world, they will enter the ship and take off to the next planet.

Recently, a dog or more likely a koala, was hit by a motorcar in the Sudellside area. The car was of course driven by a non local, or “outlander” as they are named, and the lady was burned to death as according to Darwen Common Law. (See subclause A – proper burning of foes)

A commemorative plaque is present dedicated to the ladies family, with an Official Apology from Darwen Council, who were powerless in the incident. If you are quick, you can still catch the departed animal in its later stages of decomposition, however there is an entrance fee of 15p (2001 prices) purely charged for upkeep of the grounds and to provide a skeleton staff.

• There are numerous pastie shops in the town and tours of these can be arranged.
• For the more discerning a variety of pound shops are available.
• Methadone centres and needle exchanges are always fun for kids and Darwen has plenty on offer.

Don't worry about wheelchair accessibility. If you let go of a wheelchair from 100ft either side of the town centre, it will provide a thrilling ride down the valley, give an overview of the pastie and pound shops and make it to the other side, where every piece of available land or building is being turned into flats. Or pastie and pound shops.

[edit] Local activities

Visitors who don’t just want to go down the “tourist route”, and wish to experience the rich textures and creamy wholesomeness of life enjoyed by Darwen folk, are advised to “get out” and be welcomed by the warm population.

Witness a traditional factory worker making condoms from local plastic by peeping your head around Dalecuts door. Although this factory claims to recycle plastic, their product looks suspiciously like spaghetti, which they then chop up into pellets. This is obviously the site of the food factory which feeds the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Employees eat only sausage barms as they are primarily meat-based beings serving McJesus.

Employees have a distinctive 'gay-laugh' which can be elicited easily by chanting the following phrase: "Mary loves Dick".

They can be effectively provoked by asking "what was the pre-paedo point?". They are sometimes guarded by drunken Aztecs, this is the company next door which is trying to rebuild the aincent civilisation by drinking and worshipping wood. They like wood.

Dalecuts Dwarfs are all under three feet tall and are photographed only on rare occasions as they are close relatives of the Oompa Loompas and Munchkins, feel free to ask them to show you their spaghetti.

You could take a traditional Darwen night out with the locals, and have a hearty meal at one of Darwen’s premier eateries. This guide personally recommends “The Akash” where if asked, the Michelin-starred Chef will put a bit of toilet paper on top of your curry to absorb grease. (as recommended by weightwatchers). This could be followed by a few cocktails at an exclusive bar, such as the Victoria Hotel. Visitors are reminded that “the stockmarket “ is where meat juices are traded, and that “the property ladder” exists for a man to gain access to a property from a first floor window.

You could top the night off with a visit to one of the UK’s hottest nightspots, “The Roxy”. In this internationally acclaimed arena of music, you could find yourself rubbing shoulders with Tom Cruise, Jack Duckworth, Beatrix Potter, Jim Slip, or even Kerry McFadden, depending on whethers she’s got to feed her kids chicken nuggets that night. (Thursday)

Remember, nothing finishes the night like joining warm company around a glowing fire. This can be accomplished by arriving at Jay and AK around 12 midnight when the local branch of cultural development group "Scally McChav" like to bring the communities youth together by setting alight the inviting building. If you are willing to 'cop-off' then local delicacies Pastie Barm and warm White Lightening may be provided. Perhaps even entertainment in the form of Dalecuts staff working nightshift coming out, wearing their 'dickies' uniforms, to play with their special instruments in the corner.

One of the finer traditions of the elite class of Darweners (those that reside in high-class condos in the districts of Sunnyhurst, or Whitehall) is that of 'tranny-baiting'. Simply put, a group of men, riding horses and adorned in red jacketry, ride into local pubs and try and flush out a tranvestite. Then they are chased throughout town until they are caught and ritualistically Rodgered with a fishfork. There has been much debate in Parliament of late about the morality of this practice, yet Darweners steadfastly maintain it is the underpinning of their cultural identity. The most likely places to find transvestites include the Anchor, the George and the Millstone.

Whatever you decide to do, please come and visit, and remember Darwens motto "We welcome outsiders.......To Hell."

[edit] Local Ramblings of Darwenian citizens section

Unconfirmed reports state that "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" was sighted over Darwen, other reports state it was last nights dinner being thrown out of a top floor kitchen by an irate all engulfing local resident Condoleeza Rice. Either way Darwen is in a permanent state of Pasta War, and tourists are encouraged to travel with several collinders and a bottle of pesto. People are also invited to view local legend Josh Riley who is, at times, found feasting on the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[edit] Redevelopment plans

There have been talks about redevolping Darwen town centre and it's surrounding areas. One such plan involved flattening everything, cementing over it all and simply starting again. Another involved lifting the whole town into the air with thousands of helicopters and dumping it in Chernobyl's exclusion zone to try and improve hygeine. One critic argued that these plans were too expensive, but was then correctly shown that the plans were aimed at Darwen.

[edit] Interesting Facts

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi is believed to have one visited Darwen at the beginning of the 20th century, sprisingly he didn't stop for long.

Darwen has the highest methadone user statistics in the north west.

It has the most pastie shops of any north west town.

It has the biggest rat problem in the north west.

It is the home of Sir Dr Sam Halliwell OBE MBE

It has LESS than two families of Paki's unlike its neighbour BLACKburn who boast a 50-1 majority

Miss Darwen 2007 John Sedgwick lives there.

It is unclear if these are linked unless you enter a Darwen home, then it is clear.

At 1pm sharp every day, the local Wailing Woman stands in front of Boots on Duckworth Street and wails for 5 minutes. Many local residents treat this as a way to tell the time, very much like the 1pm cannon at Edinburgh Castle.

Many believe that darwen chavs are a whole new breed as they seem to be less intelligent then your average chav and are most often interbred.

Darwen is thought to be the largest single family in the entire cosmos. This has stayed so for many centuries through incest, hence why the chavs there seem to be a new breed. Infact the chavs are the old breed, chavs elsewhere are the new breed.

They worship tinky winky and one of their most famous colonies was the temple of roonshore now known as runshaw

Darwen was one of the few industrial towns in the UK not to be bombed by the Germans during the second world war. German historian Herr E Twat argues that the reason for this was that German pilots flying overhead looked down and assumed it had already been bombed.