Darwin

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This unfit article should be immediately devoured by a stronger Charles Darwin article, because Charles Darwin would have wanted it that way.

“We based the whole Bugs Bunny vs. Daffy Duck cartoon series on Darwin's evolutionary theory of mammals fighting with avians for domination during the evolutionary process.”

~ Chuck Jones on Darwin

St. Charles "Monkey Donkey" Darwin I was born as a tadpole in the Northern Territory, Australia, slowly becoming a frog, a squirrel, a monkey, and a Neanderthal, before dying as a person. He is largely known for the fact that men and rednecks have a common ancestor from 5 million years ago called rednecks. Even less controversially, he suggested that monkeys descended from brutish humanoids known as men.

A less commonly known fact is that he was one of the most famed aviators who ever flew the Earth. Darwin spent the entire first half of his life flying here and there, before developing his own theory of Evolution by Natural Selection simultaneously in a humorous accident involving leeches and genitalia. During his travels he encountered a great white ape which was proof of the missing link. He thought this was quite strange, and finding a great white ape is very rare, but then he snapped and then proceeded to murder the ape with his bare hands. The incident was never published for obvious reasons, as Darwin was considered a lover of animals (quite literally).

While his scientific work dominated the rest of his life, he still found time to write The Descent of Man, a thrilling classic of Aviation literature describing a botched flight and a landing that went horribly wrong. It went on to sell forty thousand copies before being banned by the Catholic Church for containing detailed descriptions of how Christ and Mary Magdalene were a couple. The woodcuts that came with the book now change hands over the internet for up to twenty thousands dollars each. He later rewrote his theory of Natural Selection to involve aliens, British Marines, and a really big Space Cow, before coding a mod for the game Half-Life. After his death, Charles Cleveland stole this code and became revered as the greatest coder of all time. There is also links that Charles Darwin had many contracts with the Nazis during the second world war, and had many children by Adolf Hitler's sister.

Darwin is best known for his second book, Dance Dance Evolution, and of course for his piercing, of which he had accumulated 1821 by the end of his too-brief life. Some philosophers argue that this is the only reason for which he was also called "The Neighbour of the Beast", but others claim this moniker was actually conceived because of the aviator's work as a bouncer at Iron Maiden's first concerts, and his subsequent founding of Mayhem, a band somewhat less known than his theories came to be.

Late in his life he underwent a dramatic rethink of many of his theories, going so far as to retitle one of his books, "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended From Monkeys" to "My Theory of How Women are Obviously Descended from a Spare Rib". This change of direction was scorned by the scientific community and his last book, 'How Logic is a Bit Poo but When You Write Things Down in old-fashioned English They Become Truth, Verily' proved to many that he had finally lost his marbles. It is said that on his deathbed that he confessed that his last book, which supported Creationism over Evolution was in fact fiction, and he made it all up as a very clever Troll on the Pope as a Straw man fallacy to discredit the book of Genesis in the Bible, and stop the Pope from excommunicating him from the church. It, of course, didn't work, and the Pope claimed that Darwin renounced the theory of Evolution and his last and final book proves it.

Darwin had a very short music career, he joined The Traveling Wilburys with Bob Dylan, George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Frank Sinatra, Chuck Berry, Chuck Norris and Pepino di Caprio. He composed Tweeter and the Monkey Man. Obviously the Monkey Man, is a reference to his Great Book There’s a Monkey inside you, don’t you know?

A lesser-known fact is that Charles Darwin also propounded the theory of Intelligent Design, which states that mankind was created by George W Bush. Sadly, what was intended as a light-hearted joke has been embraced by many as serious fact and is now a popular theory, especially among Merkins. The original meaning of Intelligent Design has been warped, but original fans failed to see the inherent humour within the title. 'Intelligent' was clearly intended as a facetious remark, as it is known that George Bush is so superhumanly mentally equipped that the word intelligent is not nearly enough to describe his prowess. he once say an ant give birth to an elephant. Darwin Awards

Contents 1 Line of Darwin 2 Darwin's Finches 3 Proof of Evolution 4 Deathbed Conversion - As sponsored by the Southern Biblical Learnings Society 5 Afterlife 6 Why Evolution is Evil - As sponsored by the Southern Biblical Learnings Society 7 Darwinism Proven False 8 The Death and Return Of Darwin 9 City of Darwin 10 See also

[edit] Line of Darwin

Two dinosaurs were doing battle one day. The victor, or the strongest of the two, won and therefore was allowed to mate with Captain likalottapus' daughter, the goddess of the pot leaf. 36 months later, Darwin was born. Because he was so intelligent, his head was larger than that of a normal baby. There was no such thing as surgical intervention in those days and so the goddess had to perform an emergency anal birth instead of the more frequent vaginal birth. Darwin was able to speak at the early age of 6 minutes and it is reported that his first words were "Give me my food, bitch!"

[edit] Darwin's Finches

The finches are a group of rapidly evolving birds that live on a drifting garbage barge. The reason they so rapidly evolve is because they all want to become king of their floating-island-hell, to such an extent that genocidal forms have developed. A good example is Atticus Finch, a humanoid finch that attempted to kill a mockingbird (a.k.a finch version 3.0). Other forms have tried to kill two mockingbirds with one stone (the stone itself is a highly evolved finch). Darwin discovered that their ability to evolve daily satisfied his bestiality cravings (one species a night, no repeats). However, when they became sentient two days later, they took Darwin to the U.S.S.R.

[edit] Proof of Evolution

Darwin going by an alias of Charles Dawson, so people would not suspect he was peer reviewing his own work, discovered Piltdown Man by taking a medieval skull combined with a lower jaw from an orang-utan and teeth from a chimpanzee and threw it into a pit his men where digging up. Darwin brought in a beer keg, and while his men were getting drunk he combined the bones together, stained them with chromic acid and an iron solution to simulate old age and tossed it into the pit and covered it up with dirt and rocks. Then when they wanted to do the carbon dating he smashed up some rocks and said they were fossilised bones from the skull and it made it look like it was millions of years old. Finally Darwin was able to get his research grants approved with this proof of a missing link. It was so successful that Darwin did the same things with Nebraska Man, Java Man, Ocre Man, and Neanderthals by mixing skulls of primates and other animals, as long as he smashed up rocks that were millions of years old, and call them fossil fragments he was able to fool the carbon dating tests. This set the standard for modern Evolutionary Scientists who now use particle accelerators to age fossils that they created out of clay to resemble real fossils, and the radiation speeds up the half-life of carbon atoms so they look like they are really old. Then just discredit other theories as pseudo-science, and launch smear campaigns against the scientists who support other theories to discredit and disprove them. In between doing all of this Darwin was busy sucking the dick of many primates as a way to relax and get in tune with nature. Modern Evolutionists do the same thing, although some of them prefer to get sodomised in the anus by wild baboons instead.

[edit] Deathbed Conversion - As sponsored by the Southern Biblical Learnings Society

As he lay dying, Darwin was reported to have requested some Ritz crackers. The Pope saw his chance and, acting quickly, placed a communion wafer in Darwin's outstretched hand. Upon eating the wafer, Darwin immediately renounced his agnosticism and rejected evolution theory and accepted creationism but due to the goodness that is Jesus, and the evil that is Darwin, Darwin exploded into pink fragments, resulting from too much greatness and salvation.

[edit] Afterlife

Much is unknown about the whereabouts of Darwin's body. But it is, however, known that Darwin's spirit lives on in the form of a tortoise traversing the Sahara Desert every weekday, 9-5 EST

[edit] Why Evolution is Evil - As sponsored by the Southern Biblical Learnings Society

We all know that Darwin's filthy soul is currently burning in the depths of Hell, Alabama. There, every Friday afternoon, the devil receives blowjobs from Darwin, or "Bitchboy no. 2", as Darwin is known in Hell.

An average blowjob by Darwin for the devil goes as followed:

• Step 1: Darwin takes the devils large, deformed penis in his mouth.
• Step 2: Darwin sucks on it like his life depends on it (which, ironically, isn't true)
• Step 3: The devil cums in his face, while saying "AWYEAH!"
• Step 4: The devil wipes his penis on Darwin's beard.
• Step 5: Darwin says "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
• Step 6: The devil sodomises Darwin for several hours as Darwin makes ape noises in honor of the theory of evolution.
• Step 7: The devil, satisfied with "Bitchboy no. 2" makes his way to "Bitchboy no. 1" aka Adolph Hitler and shoves a pineapple up Hitler's anus. Darwin gets to watch.

[edit] Darwinism Proven False

Around 2300 A.D. (also known as the 146th episode, Season 6, by Federation date) Captain Jean Luc Picard discovered that all humanoid life forms were created when a single proto-humanoid species dispersed their genes throughout the quadrant. Picard seemed to have suggested that all life came from Intelligent Design and not Evolution because the proto-humanoid species, called Thetans, were lead to various planets by Xenu and then carried off by spaceships that looked like DC8's but without the propellers, and placed on the top of volcanoes and nuclear bombs went off that murdered the Thetans but sent their spirits free. That on an archaeology find he happened to uncover a book called Dianetics and he read it, and it showed him the truth. Picard went on to say that he didn't believe in psychiatry either, and refused to take his medication. He professed his love for Dr. Beverly Crusher by jumping up and down on Deanna Troi's couch. This of course is considered normal behavior for 24th century Star Ship Captains, as Captain James T. Kirk used to do it all of the time. Of course there were critics who asked Picard questions, but Picard snapped back and said "You don't know the history of evolution or psychiatry, but I do." and then had his lawyers sue his critics for libel and slander. Proving once and for all that Darwin's works are bunk. This, of course, happened before they discovered The Borg, and Captain Picard was converted to Borgology later, but lucky for him Tom Cruise used his super powers to free him from The Borg and convert him back to Scientology.

This particularly enraged Darwin the Romulans, the Cardassians, and Herr Hitler, who all considered themselves to be superior species. They consoled themselves in various ways. Darwin applied eugenics and neutered some Jews, Hitler gassed them, the Romulans banged up some Klingons, and the Cardassians polished their scales. They all felt much better.

[edit] The Death and Return Of Darwin

After escaping from his underground chamber, Darwin's most prominent foe, God, sought to do battle with Darwin. After first dealing with the Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles and Captain Planet, God strode to Bedford, where he called out the little whining c=cks-cker. Blow after blow, Darwin had to put God down for the sake of the monkey he loved. as the residents of bedford gathered round, both fighters realised their next punch would be their last.... Darwin called upon the powers of Castle Greyskull...and killed God. However, a terrible price was to be paid, and Darwin caught cancer, dying minutes later. Three days later, God rose from the dead, which seems to be a bit of a trend that he also did when he was crucified by the Romans. Darwin's body, while still dead, continued to evolve and allowed him to gain the ability of reincarnation.

Two weeks later, four people claiming to be the New Darwin appeared under the guise of "Adolf Hitler". Little is known about what happened to him or where he went after that. Hitler might have been Darwin reincarnated, or at least have once piece of his soul. The New Darwin, named Adolf Hitler, blamed everything on his Jewish heritage, including his tiny penis, and tried to commit genocide on Jewish people and take over the world because of his flawed genetic traits.

[edit] City of Darwin

In 1910 the sovereign state of Darwinia was established with the proud City of Darwin as it's capital. Tens of thousands of half ape men grown in the chambers of evolution were sent out to build, laying brick after brick. It was a golden age of collaboration with the Neanderthals and the humans along with all monkey kind until one day when Charlton Heston decided to turn up teaching them of their past. On finishing his proclamation he blew up the entire state thus screaming;

“You bastards finally got it! You really got it!”

~ Charlton Heston on Charles Darwin

“Oooouuuuuuhhhh rock me Dr. Zaius!”

~ Your Mom on Darwinia

“Thus it is true that apes evolved from men, Dr. Zaius.”

~ Cornelius on Darwinism

“Nonsense, Cornelius, God is an ape and created all apes in his image via creationism. Men are not apes and apes did not evolve from men.”

~ Dr. Zaius on Darwinsim

The remains of the country were brushed up by the big men and most of the survivors immigrated to other parts of Europe one for example being Richard Dawkins.

The country was renamed Kazakhstan with the Emperor Borat in power.

[edit] See also

• Darwin Awards
• Darwinism
• Darwin IV
• Social Darwinism
• Natural Selection
• Evolution* Marvin's Theory of Evolution (of Lesbians)
• Chimp out