David Beckham
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“He's a myth!”
~ Oscar Wilde on David Beckham
“He plays in a mickey mouse country with a mickey mouse league. I felt sorry for him”
~ Fabio Capello on David Beckham
“I thought I was playing David Bentley”
~ Steve McClaren on David Beckham
“Oh, David, put your Frosties away!”
~ Vicoria Beckham on David Beckham's tiger jigsaw puzzle.
David Beckham, also known as The Anti-Zidane, is an English metrosexual model and hospital patient and the least over-hyped soccer player in the world. He single-hanedly has lost six consecutive World Cups for England because no one seems to realize he is an average player at best until he gets on the biggest stage. Hence the name "The Anti-Zidane". When he isn't modelling or sporting an injury, he is occasionally seen on a football pitch, but only for five minutes, for which he is paid 180,000,000,000,000,000,000 US Dollars (approximately 3 Euros or less).
Just imagine it…you are the first penalty taker in Euro 2004. You are playing against the Portugeezers…..a team known for beating England too many times.
You look at the ball, and then at the goal, 12 yards ahead of you. Words flicker into your head from your Best Friend…England hero, Johnny Wilkinson. What did he say? Oh, yes. Aim high, have your eyes fixed on a spot 30 metres above the crossbar. Get your foot right under it…. Get this right, and you will be a hero.
You begin to run towards the ball, but the goal seems a long way away….ah yes, the other goal, that’s much closer, I can get that easy.
You begin to run towards the ball. Johnny’s words flicker through your head, and your arms start pumping. Doubts flicker through your mind…can you get it that high? You have only done so once before. Your record of spot kicks have been abysmal. And now it really counts.
You strike the ball right under it, and for a ghastly second, you think it’s going into the net, but wait, it’s rising, it’s rising, surely you’ve done it, yes, yes! The ball sails 30 yards over the crossbar, and your whole body is filled with elation. You’ve done it!
You turn to face your England team mates, and scamper back to them, arms above your head. To your surprise, they aren’t screaming with joy. And what’s that the crowd doing? Are they…booing?
You turn to Michael Owen.
“Have I done something wrong, Michael?” you ask. Michael nods. “Yep, you’ve really fucked up this time.”
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[edit] Golden Balls
Apart from his missus and women from affairs, no one has ever seen if Becks’ balls are golden. The general public are fairly sure that they are not, however. If they were, we would have undoubtedly seen them laid across the table of Flog It or some other Auction Programme.
Beckham’s origins are widely unknown, except that he is a poncy, squeaky voiced Southern Fairy but we do know his mother had a ‘virgin birth’ (yeah right), and brought him up not to expect anything in life by leaving him on his own for years at a time, while she was off gallivanting with various members of Westlife. Young David kept up his mum’s tradition, and managed to stay single until he was one. Interestingly, that girlfriend grew up to present The Weakest Link. Who knows what would have happened if Becks had continued dating Anne Robinson. In the dark, Becks homed his ball skills by practising curling balls around a banana. When he swallowed a banana whole, his curve on the ball came naturally.
He has no close family, but recent research now shows the names below are definitely linked to the Beckham family tree. This means that not only Beckham will receive many more presents at Christmas; he will also be run bone dry by ‘relations’ asking for Beckhams stolen money. (see a bit below). A list has been compiled of all his next of kin.
- Beckham
- Whattasham
- Greeneggsandham
- Kukluxklan
- Marzipan
- Firemansam
- Buckingham
- Letsdancethecancan
- Bumdingbambam
- Kingofgaylordham
- Damndamndamn
[edit] Manchester United
For probably a bribe, Beckham signed for Manchester United, and won many premiership titles. The punctuation, ‘ ,has been used here, because in 1996 there was a great theft of a great big block of silver from a mining shaft just outside Old Trafford, their decrepit stadium. A large sum of money belonging to several charities was also stolen, as well as several homeless people’s possessions. Some months later, they announced they had won ‘the premiership’ as it became known, and Beckham became a millionaire. Any coincidence? After Arsenal stole the trophy from them once or twice, they proceeded to ‘win’ it, until Chelsea decided they would make their own big silver trophy. But that is another story.
Beckham was the most arrogant Manchester United player ever! even surpassing Eric Container/Cartman.
Beckham has also been known for his abilities at playing away from home, but his preying-mantis tooth-pick wife snuffed them out.
[edit] Spice Girls
After having a whinge about not being Manchester United's captain and ruler of the club, David Beckham quit the club and decided to audition for his wife/sister's band, the Spice Girls. David Beckham replaced Geri (Ugly Spice) Halliwell and became Sexy Spice. The band soon disbanded as a result.
"Any hole's a goal"
- David Beckham on Victoria Beckham
[edit] Get Real Madrid
In 2003, The Spice Girls were long gone, and Beckham decided that the ‘best’ club in the world wasn’t good enough for him, and that ‘winning’ Premiership titles was too easy for him, and he then signed with Spanish club Get Real Madrid, or the ‘Galactifuckers’, as Juventus lovingly calls them. Yeah, OK, so he got a couple of goals, and he learned to swear in Spanish. What else have English players been known to do, in such rubbish countries. This particular category of rubbish countries, by the way, consists of Saudi Arabia, Ghana, and Iraq. Oh yeah, Spain comes in there as well. Right, so he left Spain, and became an American. In rumours, Zidane tried to join Lost Anglesey as well, but Americans turned him down, saying he was too much of a git, and too stuck up, as well as too fond of head butting people.
He was seen crying when he was in the dug out making coffees to Dan Fabio Capollo (the then Madrid manager who is now running away from paying tax in Italy with the hope of making more money in England and will run away from paying tax in England and on and on and on...)
[edit] Los Anglesey
However, Beckham didn’t read the small print on his contract, or the big letters on the top for that matter, and he didn’t notice it. He didn’t even notice it in training. He didn’t even notice his massive shoulder pads. But when he got on the pitch, he noticed all right. He demanded to see his contract, but it simply confirmed his fears. He had signed for an American Football team. And we’re not talking soccer here. We’re talking about a sport that would make Jonah Lomu look like a waiter. He’s still over there, going over his contract, hoping to find some tiny flaw.
So Becks is over there, chomping burgers, as is the American tradition, and where is career going now? He’ll join a rubbish team like Boston, Tranmere, Yeovil, or Arsenal(Football Club in Ecuador, not England). And where would that leave England? Ok, we’ve just missed out on a kid who swallowed a banana when he was three. It’s no big deal!
When asked for comment on how he was he was finding life in the United States Beckham said: 'United What?'
The United States has responded poorly to David Beckham; his IMDB profile has suffered greatly as a result. His lack of goals "makes the surfers cry" in California; and he was not invited to be a part of the next "Come to California!" commercial.
"I have goals," said Beckham. But there has been no evidence of this, and his youth soccer camps have struggled to beat any team in the Premiership in England.
[edit] England
In 1998, David Beckham was picked for England, a decision Glenn Hoddle will regret, because he only pocketed £10 pounds from the young money bags, and the rest was scrawled in an IOU. Young David then thought it would be a good idea to kick an Argentinean player on the calf. For one second, David forgot it was football he was playing, and thought it was kickboxing.
In 2000, when England played particularly poorly, above their usual standard, the English spectators shouted some obscenities at the young banana boy. Beckham, as usual couldn’t find the right words, probably because he didn’t have any, a problem many footballers face. He made what was described as "a strange looking number one sign" to the young men in the crowd, possibly to say ‘I learnt one new word today!’
In 2001, Beckham became firm friends with Johnny Wilkinson, and Johnny, being the sport he was, taught Beckham some tips that would hold him in good grace for 2004. He demonstrated the way to do the best free kick…by, er… hitting the ball 30 yards over the crossbar. Young David was excited at the prospect of becoming a real hero at last.
He proceeded to shoot that famous free kick against Greece in 2001, and scuffed it. As a result, the ball went in the bottom corner, instead of above the crossbar, where he had intended. He was surprised to learn that it was the winning goal, but decided it was a lucky error, and the ref had got it wrong.
Nothing else in his England Career is worth writing here. Until, not, at least, until we come to 2004, where Beckham became in a national hero..in, well….Portugal anyway.
In the 2006 world cup, he made his usual mistake of slotting the ball into the bottom corner against Ecuador, but still managed to make a scene when he was subbed against…er, Portugal. And Portugal won. Beckham blamed it on his subbing, and promised that he would have scored a penalty, but the type of penalty he would have scored is one that would have scored 3 points, and not one.
So we come to the end of the great mans career, but sadly, he is still playing for his American Football team, and, er, England, despite being dropped more times than Paul Robinson has dropped the ball for England, and that number goes beyond any normal calculator.
