David Blaine

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“OMG! its david blaine!.”

~ sum White Kid on David Blaine

“Everytime I think of David Blaine I queef.”

~ some random Asian Kid on David Blaine or things that make asians queef

“ur mom!.”

~ Asian kid on White kids mom

“STFU BOTH OF U GUYS.”

~ Oscar Wilde on two arguing kids

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Blaine.

David Blaine (right) complained of numerous side effects during his recent underwater record attempt.

Craig David Blaine aka Git Wizard is a magician infamous for his "Turn The Twenty Dollars Into A Monopoly Game With Missing Pieces" trick. He got his start in the magician career when his name was mixed up and accidentally put into Adam Sandler's Chanukkah song. This is how many people have gotten their start, including Lenny Kravitz, Bob Dylan, and Walt Disney. Although being considered a criminal in 13 states, after being sued numerous times by Evan Ferguson and Peter Peszynski, he is still seriously a great magician. He has more tricks up his sleeve in one night than a hooker does in her entire career.

Other tricks of his include:

• Being lifted up on two pieces of wire and pretending to fly
• Making a pen look like it's made of rubber
• Making it look like he's putting a pencil up his nose
• Making clouds move by staring at them
• Making the colours red and blue go together
• Cutting an assistant in half, then reassembling the pieces
• Cutting himself in half, then reassembling the pieces
• Standing up for a long time
• Sitting in a box
• Eating a ham and cheese sandwich
• Fornicating with a household sponge
• Killing flies using only his infamous "Magnum" pose
• Eating his own head
• Having sex with Paris Hilton. Then again, who hasn't
• Killing a yak from two hundred yards away with mind bullets
• Making a balloon levitate using only a common hair dryer
• Assuming the form of a teaspoon
• Performing surgery on himself
• Flying into windshields
• Memorizing every word in the entire first series of LOST
• Hypnotising models and making them have sex with him
• Being both black and white at the same time
• Balancing a hat on his head
• Eating food
• Winning every game of connect four that he enters
• making gay people say "WHAT THE EFF"???
• Being older than people younger than him.
• Eating a raisin without once using his feet or ears.
• Shitting himself
• Inventing the phrase "Lol"
• Making his penis extend to random lengths
• Making women smile
• Making women cry
• Starving
• Jumping off skyscrapers, usually without dying
• Visiting London
• Lying without people finding out
• Molesting children
• Watching Jessica Alba's ass
• Using his hair for bad and evil things. See Satan
• Being more serious than himself
• Telling the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
• Making a subway train move without touching it
• Magically lifting an elevator in a shopping mall (No setup! No wires!)
• Creating the "Done, Blaine" shootings!
• Actually NOT watching Jesicca Alba's ass
• He's always on fire. And what's even cleverer than that, the fact that he neither looks, smells nor feels on fire is a brilliant illusion
• Having hot coals walk over him
• Being dead and fooling everyone that he's alive
• Owning this guy at Warcraft
• Making a snake eat a bear
• Comparing his three-pronged demon tail to Oprah's
• Beating Germans at beer chug contests
• Killing Wolf Blitzer
• Pwning n00bz
• Making toast without cooking oil
• Rushing the spl0iter

He also has a ventriliquist's dummy named Hugo, that can sit endlessly for hours. Many people have been amazed by this spectacular feat of endurance.

Many of his "magic" tricks are not really magical at all. For example, Blaine has been seen levitating; however, scientists have revealed that widespread dislike of Blaine causes Earth to emit temporary anti-gravitational fields around him, effectively repelling him away from the planet.

David Blaine has announced that when he dies, he plans to do his own autopsy.

[edit] Dunking

Blaine has recently been sentenced to spend 7 days in a 'Human Fishbowl' in New York city. The punishment reflects the state's oldest laws concerning Witches. If Blaine survives the week long dunking then he will be declared a witch and burned at the stake. If his lungs succumb to the ordeal and he drowns then he will be declared innocent and his soul will be allowed to shine on, shiny-white.

He has often been voted "Best Person Since Winston Churchill" by British people.

I would just like to make a point, note David Blaine started by spending 44 days in the air, then tried to hold his breath underwater for a long time... It is my hope that he is working his way through the classical elements and next we will see him spend a prolonged period of time on fire. David Copperfield tried this with his "tornado of fire" going from original recipe to extra crispy, needless to say David Blaine is to chicken to actually try it. (pun intended.)

[edit] Magic Powers

While Blaine's "magical" abilities have been researched and discussed amongst even the most intelligent scholars, there has been no real evidence to prove whether or not he possesses true other-worldly abilities. In 1999, a young woman came forward and made an official statement that Blaine, while intoxicated with the young lady in a motel room, revealed to her that his "magic" was, well, bunk.

"Bunk as hell," exclaimed Blaine to the drunken woman. When she attempted to ask what "bunk" meant, Blaine threw his arms into the air declaring, "With your question, I shall summon forth the great demon, Bjourllocke, to demonstrate my true power!" Blaine's outburst caused him to squeeze a big fat dump out of his ass at which Blaine giggled at, and then passed out. To this day, no one knows exactly whom this dump made the official statement to. The mystery of David Blaine lives on.

See also Blaintology