David Bowie
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“Morrissey, The greatest fucking Briton, and now he's got the funnier uncylopedia page; it feels like my latter career has been the slow dismanteling of my once great reputation”
~ David Bowie on the state of this page and his career as a whole
“I still have glitter in my butthole”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bowie
“Boy could he play guitar!”
~ Ziggy Stardust on David Bowie
“I'm confused”
~ David Bowie on his sexuality
David Bowie (pronounced day.vid. .bah.wee) (born Hortense Bathsheba Bowie on January 8, 1947) is an asexual musician, puppeteer, and all-powerful wizard. Not to be confused with Greta Bowie, a minor character in Stephen King's novel It, he has released over 159 albums, 18 novels, and 501 papers on subjects as diverse as astrophysics, philosophy, theoretical quantum mechanics, and 5 pin bowling (all of which have been widely discredited) over the course of a career spanning seven decades.
However, David Bowie is often mistaken for having invented the Bowie knife. Having in fact been invented by Jim Bowie, David Bowie perfected this machete-type weapon into the emo cutter. He is also well known for his bisexual affairs with celebrities such as Oscar Wilde, Linkin Park Mick Jagger, Iggy Pop, Queen, James Brown, Oderus Urungus, Jacob, the village people, David Bowie, 70's London, Captain Falcon and Billy Corgan (as well as his tumultuous marriage to Marc Bolan), but true Bowie fans know he just gays it up to sell records, and really Bowie is dead-butch. He also played a key role in the invention of the Lollipop, among other extremely important things. He lives in a sandcastle on James Bond Beach, Outer Mongolia.
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[edit] History
[edit] Then to Now
David grew up in Beckenham in southeast London(as did Peter Frampton), where the art of waving to someone in a way that encouraged them to move closer was developed. As a child he was hit in the eye by a Kitten, causing his left eye to be permanently dilated and often has him arrested on DWI (Doing [It] With Iman) charges. He did a lot of time in Jakarta, Indonesia, in which he learnt how to cook the famous Indonesian dish, "nasi goreng" (more commonly known as "goatherd's pie").
Recent news report in July 2005 have suggested that David Bowie possesses certain supernatural abilities. An article in the New York Post dated July 19th contains eyewitness accounts of Bowie magically creating life by pointing at a point in space and chanting "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes". Rumours abound that he is creating a society of children to populate the Labyrinth, a large system of caves under rural Venezuela. Many would call David's music "Goth", "Scremo", "Death metal", and a "bloody disgrace to the public."
Nevertheless...we still love him.
“No... no we don't.”
~ Christiane F on David Bowie
“Yes, yes we do.”
~ Ryann Boyd on David Bowie
“Yes we can.”
~ Barack Obama on David Bowie
It was on September 18th, 1935, that David Bowie invented the Time Machine that would be used to infamously steal the creative art of men in the future. His most notorious use of his invention is the stealing of the Vanilla Ice's song. After returning to the past to collaborate with the band Queen to create the sing "Under Pressure." Other contemporary "musicians" then petitioned David for use of his Machine, most notably Led Zeppelin.
David Bowie is often rumoured to be the son of Adolf Hitler, this is potentially true based on the law of averages. One little known fact that is verifiable is David Bowie's ability to create real humans out of Play-Doh, and sometimes putty with the right consistency. Examples of this are Boy George and Macaulay Culkin. All of Bowie's creations must live within 60 miles of him so his demonic alien powers can feed them the required energy to remain animated. This explains the career slump of both the mentioned examples and the reason for them both being smuggled to New York in carrier bags to continue living.
In 1320 he released the single "Under Pressure", with the former king of gay England, Sir Freddy Gaycurry. The single was about the humongous pressure they had to go through when Freddie was stuffing his dick into Bowie's ass. The single went #1 in the Royal Gay charts.
David Bowie invented music by mixing the 13th, 21st, 19th, 9th, and 39th letters of the alphabet. This basic form of music was later improved by The Sex Pistols using stolen guitars (another of Bowie's inventions).
There are in fact three David Bowies, all of whom are part robot. One releases great records, one lives in his attic and ages for him, and another who releases very bad records using the name Bon Jovi. Sunspot activity in the late 80's caused these Bowies to become confused leading rather briefly to the formation of Tin Machine, THE BEST BAND EVER AND THEY WERE ALL EQUAL I SWEAR.
In 1994, Bowie recorded approximately 823, 475, 296.3542 hours of material for a series of concept albums about a killer pedophile or something gay like that, he released the first 90 minutes of it as "1. Outside". Since then a new installment has been released every 5 months without fail.
In 2003, Bowie was tragically killed when a flying lollipop entered his eye and destroyed his brain, becoming the seventh person in history to be murdered by one of these exotic birds (the first being Baby Jesus). Later that year, he recorded and released "Tonight" to rave reviews. The lollipop was correctly punished, and is now believed to be hiding out with a group of terrorists in Middle Earth. The lollipop has been accused of playing a small part in 9/11.
In 2006, it was revealed that Bowie is the Sovereign, leader of the Guild of Calamitous Intent, the nation's largest supervillian union. He defeated a coup attempt by using his shape shifting abilities to subdue Phantom Limb.
[edit] The Area
It is widely believed that David Bowie's Area has, of late, replaced Azathoth as the Centre Of The Universe. The Area is, the Area was, and the Area shall be. One can only describe its sheer magnitude as BRAVURA. Its profound influence and intrusion into mortal sensibility was first noted upon David Bowie's desire to wear a skin-tight jumpsuit in the early seventies. This was ingested readily into the public consciousness during the filming of Labyrinth, where it is plain to see that the tights-clad Area acts even Bowie off the screen.
The Area is suspected to be the source of all of Bowie's awesome powers.
[edit] Interesting Facts
Zladko Vladcik's moustache is constructed from Bowie's discarded pubic hairs.
He once won the world record for the number of poos in a minute.
He has been zorbing, and holy whoa have you seen The Man Who Fell to Earth?
He actually owns the rights to the play King Lear, that terrible black and white film version of Lord of the Flies, the name Murray Andrews and the country New Zealand.
He once survived an entire winter on nothing but jaffa cakes and Grzaniec Galicyjski.
He was born with umpteen fingers so the lopped a few off with an axe. He still has 12.
He has been quoted to enjoy what he describes as "shitting in my tin can"
Although he has been married his only true love is for pie.
Once a year, he assumes his role as the Great Pumpkin; by rising out of pumpkin patches all over the planet, he causes the impressionable children who catch a glimpse of him and his pneumatic, glowing elbows to become sexually deranged and fashion armadillos out of Blu Tack.
He was responsible for raping and subsequently pulverizing adoring fangirl Noel Fielding at an outdoor gig in Helsinki in 2104.
When humanity is destroyed by AIDS infected robots, the only humans kept alive will be David Bowie and Meatloaf.
All your base are belong to him.
Jim Bowie, born as Jim Hucklestoop, attributes the bowie knife to david bowie. During bowies life in the 1800s he grew tired of having sex with marvelously beautiful women, and decided to make love to a man. That man was Jim bowie. Unfortunately for Bowie, David Bowie's intense sexual powers and classic charm took too tight of a grasp on Jim Hucklestoop and he became needy and clingy. when David Bowie tried to break it off, Jim forged Bowies signature to declare Jim and David Bowie married, taking Bowie's name. After Bowie voided the marriage agreement, Jim took Bowie's special knife and slit his wrists in the bathtub. He also called Bowie multiple times telling him about it, and left him messages crying. After surviving his suicide attempt, he went under excessive facial reconstruction in order to look more like Bowie. He then stole his bowie knife and went on to die at the Alamo like a big fat pussy.
In a 1582 Rolling Stone interview, Bowie cleared things up one and for all regarding his affair with Harrison Ford -
“I liked him... I liked the sort of man that he was... It was strange but I sat it out for hours. I...started asking myself questions. And proceeded answering yes or no accordingly...depending on whether or not it was a yes or no question.”
Bowie often visits people from New Zealand in their sleep and offers advice on how to improve on their public image
Hitler was one of Bowie's Biggest fans and annexed Poland after failing to acquire tickets to a Ziggy Stardust show.
Of course this was Hitler's own damn fault for thinking it wouldn't be sold out the night before.
David Bowie actually appears in every movie, ever. If you are looking and do not see him, you are not looking hard enough, because it is impossible for movies to be viewed if there is not some sort of image of David Bowie upon them. It has to do with a frog, a strange curse, and a lot of acid. Don't ask.
David Bowie's soul was split in seven: 1980s Creepy Transvestite David Bowie, 1969 Ziggy Stardust David Bowie, Modern flamboyant Bowie, Goblin-King Bowie, an owl, Planet Bowie, and finally a spider from Mars.
David Bowie has nine kids and one on each planet. He brought them there in a space pod.
In high school David Bowie used to conquer France for fun. He was awarded the "Making France Fail" award by the Queen of England.
David Bowie has had sex with everyone ever. Ever. Like, forever and ever. If you don't recall, your mind has subconsciously erased the event, as memory of it would cause instant death to your pathetic mortal body.
David Bowie is gay. And by gay he means bisexual. And by bisexual he means he's just screwing with you. Unless, of course, you're male. And gay.
[edit] Bowie crowned queen
One day, while he was sitting in his tin can, David got a call from Jesus, saying that Johnny Rotten had killed the Queen of Albuquerque and named Bowie the queen of this fine hell hole. Mark Knopfler later challenged this, saying that he was the rightful queen, so he and Bowie decided to fight for the crown in Mortal Kombat. Although Mark destroyed Bowie's Jefferson Starship, he suddenly vanished under mysterious circumstances and was never heard from again.
[edit] Significant songs
1. Liza Jane (1964): At age 17, David Bowie invents music.
2. Space Oddity (1969): Bowie not only re-invents rock, he creates space travel.
3. The Man Who Sold The World (1970): Bowie invents grunge, and it will take 20 years for the world to catch up.
4. Life On Mars? (1971): In one fell swoop of Earth-shaking magnificence, Bowie invents sailors, cavemen, Mickey Mouse, cows, John Lennon, Ibiza, cinemas, his mother, his dog, and clowns.
5. Ziggy Stardust (1972): One dull Sunday afternoon at Mick Jagger's apartment, Bowie comes up with homosexuality. The extent of Jagger's input is debated to this day.
6. Raw Power (1973): Bowie spontaneously gives birth to three loud and hairy midgets, naming them "The Stooges". He produces their album (out of thin air), and punk music is born.
7. Young Americans (1975): In five minutes and thirteen seconds, Bowie invents soul music, negros to play it, America, free will, and refrigerators.
8. Station to Station (1976): Following a freak Kitten Huffing accident, Bowie invents Nazis, the Kabbalah, and locomotives.
9. A New Career in a New Town (1977): Bowie creates electronic music, in the process inventing electricity and Brian Eno.
10. "Heroes" (1977): Bowie's sci-fi drama show is an immediate success... 30 years later. He decides to broadcast it directly into the future, fearing that then-contemporary TV sets and human minds weren't ready for such greatness.
11. Under Pressure (1982): On the tenth anniversary of his most daring invention, and hoping to top it, Bowie accidentally invents AIDS. The world will never be the same. It is important to note that David Bowie did use his Time Machine to go into the future to steal the beat of this song from the artist Vanilla Ice.
12. Let's Dance (1983): Bowie retroactively creates the 80's, and with it goblins and magic. He decides to rule reality from his secret castle from this point onwards, giving human governments the illusion of control. At this point he travelled back in time, taught Robert Johnson geetar in exchange for his soul and therefore is responsible for the blues. He did this so that certain lyrics would make certain sence
13. Dancing In The Street (Cover, 1985) In this amazingly beautiful interpretive dance with his (ex?) lover Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones, Bowie sings about, well, Dancing In The Street. They are nearly sucking face during the entire video.
[edit] Androgyny
Among the myriad inventions of David Bowie, he has been credited with creating Androgyny (which was later sold to Hasbro), though he probably stole this idea from Ziggy Stardust.
The Androgyny is suspected to be the source of all of Bowie's awesome powers.
[edit] Different Persona
- Doctor Who
- Ziggy Starbucks
- A Lad in Pain
- The Bulky Beige Badger
- David Bowie
- Jesus Christ
- The Manchild
- David Bowie...BUT A CLONE
- Nathan Adler
- The King of Christmas
- The Thin White Puke
- Columbine Massacre Suspect
- The Tin White Duke
- The Tin Man
- I! AM! IRON! MAN! (Iron Man)
- Oscar Wilder
- Chris Tomlin
- Major Thomas of the Bewildered
- Iman
- Baby Grace
- Your Mum
- A Vampire
- God
- Madonna
- Leon Blank
- Jean Claude Jaquettie
- Nicky Wire
- Tom Marvolo Riddle
- An alien
- Donatello The Ninja Turtle
- The Dragqueen of Doom
- Jareth
- The Goblin King
- Ramona A. Stone
- Falkner Damien Oliander Redden Letturbern, Formally known as Red or to his enemies "Douchefag"
- Bono
- David Sylvian (Basically David Bowie but new-wave)
[edit] Cultural Influence
By posing the question "Is there life on Mars?" David has done much to stimulate space exploration, but when he sang about "sitting in a tin-can" far above the Earth, he unfortunately deterred many eager youngsters from becoming astronauts, cosmonauts, or both. This cleverly prolonged the shelf-life of the Martian life question and improved the flow of royalties from record sales into his bank account.
[edit] Bowieism
Bowieism, the worship of David Bowie, has been popping up throughout the world in more recent years. For many reasons, people have come together to worship. Such reasons include (but are not limited to): The fact that he is the proven savior, his large glass balls, his striking good looks, his omnipresent powers, his transforming powers, and his wondrous thrusting powers of hypnotism. Bowieists also believe in a lower class of deities in Bowieism, that includes the likes of:
- Freddie Mercury and Queen in general for working with the lord
- Ziggy Stardust since he is the lord in another form
- Major Tom see above
- Halloween Jack see above
- Jareth see above
- The Thin White Duke/Thomas Jerome Newton see above
- Nine Inch Nails same as Queen
- Placebo same as Queen
- Mick Jagger same as Queen and also for the fact that David Bowie chose this mortal for intense gay fucking. Anyone worthy of being fucked by Bowie deserves some recognition
- Gerard Way for wishing he was David Bowie and MCR in general for covering Under Pressure
- The Used for wishing they were Queen and covering Under Pressure
- Spongebob Squarepants has become the most recent addition to the list for his amazing performance of his own show with the lord. It is expected that the episode of Spongebob featuring the lord will receive more awards than anything in history. anything. anything at all. for any reason. thats final. no debate. Also, it is speculated that David Bowie's performance will be so groundbreaking, that the show will be renamed David Bowiesexpants: Sex on the Beach, and Spongebob will be completely cut from the series. What glorious irony in the name of the lord.
- Elvis Presley is currently married to the lord and has produced sixteen spawn with him.
- Lolcat is David Bowie's favorite animal, and is the only recognized animal alive by the Church of Bowie.
These characters are worshiped as parts that create the complete Bowie.
NOTE TO THE DISCERNING READER: "Bowieism" should under no circumstances be confused with Areaology.
[edit] Bowiest Creation Story
On the first day, David Bowie smiled, and said "I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it won't be boring." From these words sprang into existence waxons, one of the primary particles of matter. These waxons over many eons condensed into giant waxon clouds, which would condense even further into the first Mr. Miyagi.
[edit] Bowiephobia
Bowiephobia is the fear of David Bowie. LOOK OUT HE'S UNDER THE BATHTUB!!! HIS HAND COMES UP THE DRAINHOLE AND FONDLES THINE ANKLE!!! HAVE QUALM!!! OMG, HES EVERYWHERE! Some known cases are Draco Malfoy, that one dude from Star Trek, and some poor 12 year old girl from Wisconsin.
[edit] So, what's with the eye, anyway?
As a young teen, Bowie was involved in a fight with his best friend/arch-nemesis over a girl they both liked. After a battle of epic proportions, Bowie was punched in the eye by his enemy, who was wearing the Ring of Power at the time. Being struck in the eye by the ring did..... absolutely nothing.
Later that day, Bowie was hit in the eye by a Kitten, causing that eye to be permanently dilated.
Bowie was sad about this at first, but when he went to cry, magical beams of energy, rather than tears, were what came out of his eye. He soon discovered he could also use the eye to see into the future, look through walls, and turn Malfoy into a ferret. After inspiring J.K. Rowling to create some character with such an eye, Bowie received millions of dollars in royalties with which he launched his musical career.
The eye is suspected to be the source of all of Bowie's awesome powers.
[edit] Discography
This is a discography of David Bowie's studio albums.
- Lodgah! (1821, pretty bad rap actually)
- High (1849)
- CowardZ (1871, noted for being very the first techno pop album)
- David Bowie (1902, self-titled madness)
- 2001: A Space Iliad (1923)
- The Man Who Wasn't There (Intermittently) (1933)
- The Return of the Tin White Duke (Even though no one knows who I was anyway) ([1939])
- Ziggy's Cartoon Cavalcade (1942, composed for a new Disney character who was cancelled)
- Disney's Aladdin (1944 -71 - ?)
- Johnny Cash's Greatest Hits (1947)
- To Be Announced (Later) (1950)
- Diamonds Are Forever (1954, a few tracks used in Austin Powers soundtrack)
- Young Canadians (1956)
- Brotha 2 Brotha (1966, another record sounding like a nasty accident in a rap recording studio)
- Hi (1972)
- The Battle of Tours (featuring Charles Martel and his Frankish army) (732)
- People of Mediocre Stature and Questionable Morals (1973)
- One Who Rents (1974, a Lodgah! follow-up)
- Where the Wilde Things Are (1979)
- Bowie vs. Bing Crosby mash-up massacre (1980, noted the use tape loop improvisations, leaving Bowie with one ear less)
- Shall We Dance? (1980)
- A Week Ago Last Thursday Night]] (1981, won a Grammy for Best Crapping On A Master Tape)
- Scary Bastards (1981)
- Live! at the Rovers Return (1982)(Regarded as being the farewell concert of Bowie's frustrating yet compelling Coronation Street persona, Rodgie Moonstar)
- Shine on you crazy rabid diamond dogs (1984 , Later banned and mark as doubleplusungood by Minitrue)
- Rubber Sole (1935) (Retroactively)
- Zulu Handjob (1989, won an Oscar for Best Porn Film Soundtrack)
- Black Yodelling, White Dancing (1991)
- Chopped and Shaped Chicken in a Crisp Coating (1995)
- Scary Monsters and Michael Jackson (The tale of a Young American) (1997)
- Zowie Minutes (1999)
- 2. Contamination (200A)
- The Hours (2004 , Including Virginia Woolf on howling while bathe herself with her cloth on.)
- 3. Areaology (2007) (The religious album; for Areaology, see link below)
- Around the World With Crickets in Thine Shorts (2008) (Collaborated with The Police)
- There are snakes on this plane? (2312, a collaboration with Brian Emo)
This is a discography of David Bowie's single.
- Ch-ch-ch-ch Change (Out from nowhere with unknown year of release)
- The Wilde of circle (1970)
- Ziggy Starbucks (1971)
- Flamed (1973 , Including John Lennon and David CRAPman on trolling each other)
- Big Brother (1984 , Later banned and mark as doubleplusungood by Minitrue)
- Asses to Asses (1988 , Later was banned by your mom for afraid of her son learning gay lesson from it's song.)
- The pretty highway is going to hell (1994)
- Rock Bottom (2004 , a sequel from Asses to Asses)
- The Man Dog Ziggy Monster and the Space Earthling Tin Machine From Outside ([0 AD to 3000AD]] , or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love Mick Jagger's Bum)
[edit] Bizzaro Bowie
Due to Bowie's power and gratitude, the universe began to revolve around him, literally. To stop the world from drifting into the sun, a Bizzaro of Bowie was created, to counter-balance his greatness with a person as equally shitty as Bowie is great. This person is named Floyd Jones, who is opposite to Bowie in every way imaginable, right down to the name. This is similar to the creation of Bizzaro, Superman's bizzaro, the bizzaros for the cast of Sealab 2021, Jimmy Hendrix's bizzaro Not-Jimmy Hendrix, and Ben Afflak, the bizzaro to Keith Richards. All were created to balance the Axis of Greatness, upon which the laws of gravity are based. Bowie fought and beat Floyd Jones in the Scopes Monkey Trial, but it is prophesized that the two will meet again, and that day will be known as "The Rapture", when Bowie will finally eat Floyd Jones alive, and cause the destruction of the universe.
[edit] Related Research Institutes
- The Official Base of Area-based Research, the pioneers of the extensive and insightful research into the David Bowie's Infinite Area theorem.
- The Church of Areaology, place of worship for David's (and his Crotch's) very own religion.
THIS JUST IN: The Guild of Calamitous Intent is actively seeking members! Join now!
| The Guild of Calamitous Intent Main Members | |
| Sovereign: Supreme Commander | Second in Command: Phantom Limb |
| Dr. Girlfriend: The Sluttiest of them All! | Baron of his Own Kingdom: Baron Ăśnderbheit |
| The Monarch: Strange skinny man | Underlings: Watch and Ward |
| The Guild of Calamitous Intent Minor Members | |
| Torrid: Burner of things | Underlings: Guild Operative |
| Iggy Pop: The rocker! | The weird guy: The One Most Corrupted |
