David Cameron
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“He always enjoyed a good 'scrum-up' in the showers”
~ Boris Johnson on David Cameron
“He touched me inappropriately”
~ a 'hoody' on David Cameron
“lol n00b”
~ The Labour Party on David Cameron
“Take from the poor, give to the rich. Simple.”
~ David Cameron on party policies
“What a splifingly good chap in more than one way me and Davey have enjoyed so many goodtimes to gether he can definaly roll a good spliff if you know what I mean”
~ Boris Johnson on David Cameron
“Toff on crime,toff on issues”
~ Mock the week on David Cameron
“He has a face like a whoopee-cushion”
~ Armando Iannucci on David Cameron
(If you have found this page you are lost in the past)
David Cameron is a simpering do-gooder, professional hoodie-hugger and the world's first Tony Blair clone, created by a pack of Earls in Oxbridge, Aristocrasia. Cameron was scarred for life when he was attacked by an EU Directive. Despite massive plastic surgery and extensive facial reconstruction he still has breasts. He's down with the kids, so you can call him "D to the A-V-E". His serious face is 2' 3" long but, when he speaks about what's best for spoon buyers, his nose can reach up to 5 foot. This is one of the longest on record, but not nearly as long as Madonna's when trying to be English. He recently founded the focus group 'Think Right, Talk Left'.
[edit] Education
[edit] Heatherdown Preparatory School
At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Winkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alledged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their michalmas term's supply of grade A prince charles.
[edit] Eton College
Cameron received his secondary educated at Eton where he initially served as a fag. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983 six weeks before taking his O-levels when he revealed to have smoked skunk with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang).
[edit] Drugs
Dave discovered LSD in his Alphabetti Spaghetti as a 7-year-old, but he doesn't like to talk about it. He is currently developing super strong TCP from Nigerian monk semen. David's drugs of choice are poppers, for he enjoys popping balloons on a regular basis. He says he simply takes poppers before making any public apearance as it helps him to relax and reminds him of his hot-air balloon days at Eton.
David Cameron still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative sex party chairman Gordon Brown has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy". However, video footage has surfaced on the internet of Cameron aged 7 snorting cocaine off the back of a drunk prostitute. This statement may be misleading, for the woman was in actuality Cameron's mother. They were playing the Eton Wall Game.
Despite his plans for change and modernisation, Cameron suffers from the politician's disease "nonspeaker yeah or nay disorder" and therefore must be treated as a lying two faced scab along with the rest of them.
As for his policies, he says 'Go for it!' and 'Never say NO!, say, well il try some and if i dont like it il take it back, do you accpet nectar cards?"
[edit] Business
The silver spoon industry supports a small yet vibrant community in Northern Aristocrasia. Aristocrasia has a population of about 40,000 but has unlimited access to a market of nearly 60 million commoners. Its trade has been assured over the years by giving out free silver spoons, scratching other merchants' backs with said spoons, and doing other things with the spoons not fit for publication. Cameron thinks he can run somewhere called England, but is unlikely to get past the Scottish sauerkraut industry's stake there.
[edit] When will he go away?
Cameron will be returning to reality in the near future. He has already been target by neo-post-quasi-anarchist proto-fundamentalist groups such as the Gallup Liberation Front and the Mori People's Army. He also will be replaced by another Conservative with a higher IQ.
[edit] Cameron's destiny
Cameron will most likely end up in the care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Quidditch and Smoking-pipes. On the point of becoming Prime Minister he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret Thatcher. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guineas and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists or economists.
[edit] References
The Paxman Hall of Shame.
[edit] David Cameron as Leader of the UK Conservative Sex Party
In 2004 David Cameron was appointed leader of the Tories, or the "UK Conservative Sex Party" as they prefer to be known. In a fierce and bitter contest that once again split the Tories asunder, Cameron succeeded through a malicious campaign including the violent disruption of opponent's rallies, kidnap, assault, rape (any gender) and an unprecedented amount of bribes & kickbacks, plunging the party into massive debt. To repay it, he has pledged to raise the Titanic and that unlike all those films, this time it won't sink.
[edit] Cameron's Agenda
Cameron has openly admitted that he plans to convert the Tory party "lock, stock & two smoking barrels". This is best demonstrated, by quoting him verbatim from his acceptance speech. "I, David Cameron, have no qualms in making fundamental changes to our party. We must change, and change we will. We will change a lot more than just a little bit, we will change totally, and you will change with me, for just me changing is no good, we all must change. Including you plebs. I am sick and tired of Tony Blair and want him dead. If he thinks he can spin a good yarn, and make every third sentence a soundbite, than he ain't seem nothing yet, he is a dried up lettuce in a rotting vegetable garden".
Cameron's Policy on Europe.
[edit] New Cameron Policies
Within days of winning the leadership, Cameron launched his New Conservative Pledge Card. This was an A3 card containing a list of 500 policy pledges, all of which will be introduced when the Tories regain power. So no need to worry. Pledges include:
[edit] Environment
- A new green initiative to reduce carbon by 155% over a seven minuite period. By making everyone stay at home.
- In recognition of methane's importance in trapping heat, he will stop John Prescott eating beans.
[edit] Cycling
- David Cameron will represent the UK at the 2012 Olympics, after his trial in London town went very well, despite problems with understanding the highway code, and not recognising the colour red, and its meaning.
[edit] Forming a Government & Constitutional Reform
- A reduction of women in the party to reduce moaning emissions, and reduce the amount of ladies toilets in Westminster.
- Only Independents to sit in the House of Lords, all subject to vetting by Conservative Central Office.
- Change every day - so that they don't smell.
- Conservatives to form a coalition government with the Monster Raving Loony Party after the next General Election.
- Granting the vote to Turds.
- Only men of the rigth suaght shall be able to vote like the goo old days whoza.
[edit] Utility Bill and Wild Bill
- Cameron wants to Kill Bill and has hired Uma Thurman to do it. Previously it was anyone called Bill, now Bills themselves and their issuers are to be killed. Cowboy Traders are to be branded with a Cattle Brand publicly. This may be another role for Uma, or Theresa May could do it - beat them down, sit on them and brand them for the benefit of the working people.
[edit] Future Campaigns in the Sort It Campaign
- Spanking bad babysitters.
- Spanking bad bosses - Theresa May leading this campaign again, eager to show the Conservatives are no longer the nasty party.
- Spanking serial moralisers.
- Burning down second homes. After spanking them. This might backfire, most people with second homes are Tories, so he will face a backbench revolt.
[edit] Constitutional Affairs
- The Monarchy is to be restored to full power, thus rendering electoral politics in the UK completely erroneous. On the off chance that the next monarch is a woman, african, homosexual, jew, Pole, Hungarian, Croat, Byzantine, genius, professor, political theorist or pleasant then the Conservative Party shall assume emergency powers and defend 'Britishness'.
- All newspapers are to be banned, apart from The Facist Rag (Formely The Daily Mail), The Torygraph (formely The Telegraph), & The Dina Express (Formely The Daily Express) all to be controlled by Conservite head office edited by Herr Jeremy.
- Capital and corporal punishments are to be reintroduced, with a view to healing our 'broken society'.
- Children are to be taken away from their parents at birth and sent to formal stupefaction centres where they shall be taught how to behave correctly.
- All people of power or Influnce must have been members of The Bullingdon CLub like Davey C and Boris Johnson Mayor Of London.
- The Tory Party is to be renamed the National Socialist Party of the King's/Queen's Sceptred Isle, and it is to be the only party allowed to exist.
- The Consitution shall be modelled on the teachings of a one Adolf Hitler, an Austrian philosopher of some integrity. Wot wot.
- Only sports to be palyed are Rugger, Cricket & those speicalist 'Puplic' School gmaes none of these sports taken part by ruffians like Football.
- Sir Harry Paget Flashman shall be made a national hero.
- The use of 1984 to form govemrnt agaencies boy that Orwell bloke had some good ideas in that book.
[edit] Education
- The outright abolition of state education.
- The city of Manchester to be razed to the ground and in its place a huge super academy to be built for children aged 2-25 to be educated, at a cost of £150,000 a year.
- Horse riding lessons to become mandatory for all school children aged 4 to 8. From the ages of 8 onwards, all girls will progress onto belly riding horses.
- Fox hunting to be added to the National Curriculum. In the absence of any foxes locally illegal immigrants or homeless people shall suffice.
- Sex education will be overhauled and children from in primary school will be taught daily practicals by members of the local Conservative party. Topics will be 'Anal sex - Taking it up the shitter doesn't hurt if you relax' (possibly taught by Cameron himself), 'Bukkake - How many loads does it take to cover your face?' and 'Gangbanging - More fun than hugging a hoodie'.
[edit] Crime
- Cameron intends to decrease crime with tough love as part of his "hug a hoodie" campaign.
- Other campaigns include "tickle a rapist" and "wank off a mugger"
- Hoddies and the listerning to rap music will be made illegal as these result in outbrakes of gun and knife crime. Any Gentleman whom sees these bugers can legalle shoot them with his shot gun or send the dogs on them as they are known seen as vermin.
[edit] Foreign Affairs
- Don't mention the war.
- Or that war.
- Being nasty to UKIP.
- Courting Zionism.
- Courting the US.
- Courting fascism.
- Wanting to be Barack Obama
- Calling Gordon Brown a fool.
- Must have a stiff upper lip.
- The regaing of The Empire yes that includes you America.
[edit] Being Nasty (Home Affairs)
- Forced labour for those who do not have a knighthood or peerage.
- Legalising rape though only by those of perage, to free up space in prison for 'real' criminals.
- Tougher laws on binge drinking, to ensure pensioners spend more on alcohol and fight chavs.
- Mandatory jail sentences for any crimes highlighted by the tabloid press. With double sentences for articles printed on Sundays.
- A tougher stance on anything unpopular, with a really nasty glare, and lots of rhetoric to follow.
- Scraping the minimum wage and re-establishment of good old sweat shops for the poor.
[edit] Being Nice
- The establishment of a government scheme providing "Guide Dogs for the Blind", although this did result in accusations of chasing the BNP vote.
- Abolition of tax for all rich and famous Conservatives, lower tax rates for decent middle class people, and a standard 60% tax rate for "those dirty proles in their scummy council houses".
- Free air travel for pensioners, especially by catapult, which has the double advantage of given them a cheap thrill and saving years of actually have to pay their pension.
- Abolition of free NHS treatment, to be replaced with free at the point of entry, then payment once within the actual hospital.
- Free condoms for the over 75's.
- "U turns" to be called "new, progressive and caring policies".
- New Laws to require rich people to go around hugging the poor.
- Equal Opportunities Scheme in which the poorest 50% of people will be automatically entered on Short Lists to marry\have sex with members of the Royal Family and Aristocracy. This is called "A List".
- All Conservative MP's and Councillors to go around and take out people's rubbish for them, do their dishes and double up for furniture.
- A "minus 35 hour week" to be introduced: everyone to unwork for 35 hours every week and yet get paid for 35 hours at Double Pay.
- Legalising of Cocaine though not for plebs.
[edit] Europe
- David Cameron believes strongly that Europeans should stay in Europe and stop trying to come to the United Kingdamnation of the Middle Englander.
- Cameron has proposed on the spot fines for anyone found to be European while in England.
- The mighty Dave will hold a referendum on the EU and Britain's relationship with it. In said referendum the British people are to be offered three choices on how to solve their EU problem, namely to nuke it, crush it or smash it.
- David Cameron believes that the EU is actually made of AIDS and wants to eat the Queen.
- David Cameron proposes that the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Ireland, Canada and Australia be integrated into the United States. He refers to this entity as the Anglosphere, and would abolish all things European. By extension, this would mean a a ban on good food, beautiful women, high culture and interesting literary works.
[edit] Lists
- David Cameron has lots of lists. The most famous is the "A List" which includes a number of people he plans to take as extra wives. They are currently going through the selection procedure and the hottest one is Priti Patel. Patel, who previously answered questions about where Sir James Goldsmith's hair had gone and later did the same job for William Hague, has now been selected for a safe seat. The safe seat is on David Cameron to stop him from moving the Conservative Party any further towards Revolutionary Communism.
- A list of people who might be are going to be maybe possibly considered for positions as Conservative candidates, or at least runners up in the Short Lists, but only if the Local Associations really want them and actually there is no requirement to select from amongst them.
- A lot of the hotties on the A List have been showing reluctance to go for seats where there isn't absolute certainty of their victory. In response to this, Cameron recently starting issuing letters to many of them saying "Dear A Lister, you do not seem to be applying for enough seats. If you continue to not apply for enough of them, then, regretfully, I will have to visit you personally, put you across my knee and spank you on your seat. Yours, Dave 'Spanker' Cameron xxx".
- The "Gold List". This is a longer list created in response to the "A List" not quite being entirely successful, and because Cameron and Francis Maude thought it might make it look like they knew what they were doing.
[edit] Nothing
- after eating his daily pork pie, Dave, thinks about changing his latest policy.
- he always goes in different directions, and generally ends up doing nothing at all to at leaast *try and win the next election.
- the horrific scars on his face are actually claw marks from an attack by an EU directive
- after eating a good meal of chicken and poor people, there's nothing Davey likes better than a good ol' game of naked cabage wrestling.
[edit] The Cameron Image AKA Davey C
Shall try to llok like he from the street and spreak for the kidz.
David Cameron plans to change his Etonian image to that of 'one of the lads' and has been taking speech training lessons from David 'Knuckles' Davies. He has also started wind surfing to work, and plans to buy a pair of denim trousers within six months.
He now smokes roll up's and can be often seen having a fag break round the back entrance at parliament. Indeed, Cameron was having fags all the time at Eton, and even huffed a beak during rag week.
William Hague has been giving him tips on beer drinking sessions. But definitely not binge drinking, because Yorkshiremen drink all the time, so it can't be called a binge, now can it?
Cameron has been holding discussions with his wife, and it is rumoured that after three children he will convert to Homo Sapien, for six months to increase penetration of the gay vote. He has been quoted as saying "most of my party want greater pentration and share of the gays. That's why we dont need any more women in the party".
[edit] David Cameron Facts
- David's Parents are actually Romanian.
- He is made out of sturdy plastic
- Cameron gets through at least three prostitutes per week, using his young family man image to hide his carnal obsession.
- He was expelled from school aged 8 for repeatedly writing extreme right-wing fascist slogans across the head teacher's pince-nez lenses.
- He invented bird flu.
- He has a really doughy face.
- His left testicle is actually made out of Dairylea.
- In late 2007 he managed to convince the media that his party was ready for a general election
- His parents (The Earl of Scrotum, and Lady Small Pirt-Behind), adopted him from an Albanian orphanage, and had him undergo a course of Michael Jackson skin lightening treatment.
- Having bought him his way into Eton, his parents moved on three occasions without letting him know. However David ("Davy Boy" as he was known at Eton) used the College's resident detective to track them down.
- Has never used a toilet in his life. Instead he squats over a bucket, them makes the nearest available child empty it into school playgrounds or local parks.
- He packs socks down his trousers before Prime Minister's Question Time, and chants a ten minute mantra beforehand to ensure the TV cameras do close ups of his groin.
- He owns seventeen tower blocks, and rents the flats out to illegal immigrants employed by Conservative MP's to clean chimneys in their constituencies.
- He has a half brother Donald, who hosts a daytime chat show on Israeli television called "Don's Jewish Banter Hour". The show finishes with the assassination of a different member of Hamas each week.
- Has a poster of Theresa May on his office wall, and he has written across her bottom on the picture, "I'm gonna have this bitch - even if I need to smack Philip May unconscious first, but if I go on being nice, then maybe I won't have to".
- At the age of 23 Cameron visited London's East End and, having seen the poor and homeless, vowed never to allow the Tories to worry over these minor issues.
- Prefers to spend his weekends forcing his neighbours into a small tent at the bottom of his garden and whipping them repeatedly until they do an act of worship to him. His wife also joins in by holding one of the family rifles, whilst dressed as Harry Connick Junior.
- His favorite colour is water, and he prefers rhino for lunch, followed by a swift glass of blue. He is not, does that say is, dyslexic and does not suffer from Amnesia lightly.
- Each night, when his wife is about to go to sleep, he plays the bagpipes and screams abuse at her for not being Margaret Thatcher.
- After being elected leader of the Tory party, he stood naked in London's Trafalgar Square for 18 hours, then went into McDonalds in Leicester Square & vomited over an old lady, who by coincidence was his godmother.
- He has been caught speeding at over 110mph but was let off with a caution, when his masonic handshake was accompanied with £200 - entirely coincidently the going rate for a bung to the British Traffic Police.
- Instead of sending Xmas cards to his family, as a practicing agnostic, Cameron fills several test tubes with his own urine and auctions them off to family members for his chosen charity "The Lucille Ball Foundation for a Better America".
- He has 865 children to 943 women. It is unknown how this happened.
- Said in 2007 that the Conservative Party were halfway to victory. Since the last Tory victory was 1992, that would make the next one in 2022. Which sounds about right.
- One of Cameron's many duties include the activity and pastime leisure known as "Twatting". This involves going to different places around the country and acting like a complete twat. Well publicised twatting sessions include that time when he looked like a complete Twat riding that Twatty bike around whilst wearing that Twat of a helmet. Uses of the word "twatting" in conversation would be, "Yes honey, I'm just popping out for a spot of the old twatting with the gang", or "I do enjoy a good old fashioned twat now and again". Other fans of twatting include Pete Doherty, Noel Edmonds and Cilla Black.
- His hobbies include wholesale rape and pillage and pretending to like trees.
- He once soiled himself in the cooked meats aisle in Tesco after a bad lunch
- In response to the recent "Extreme Pornography" bill, he responded "bollocks, i thought i could get a ruddy good price for my pics of Maggie Thatcher shiting on a carrot"
- Whilst at Eton he was caught wanking of pictuers of Margaret Thatcher and the Queen.
- He was particaly cloned fron Tony Blair who was himself the illgeamte child of Margart Tatcher don;t belvie me look at there eyes.
- His wife grew up on a estate thus he thinks he nderstands these people but what he failes to mention that this was a large country estate an was fablgasted when visted an estate in London.
[edit] See Also
- UnCameron, Dave's personal Uncyclopedia article
- Conservative
- Dickhead
- Toff
- Fascism
- Badger badger badger
- Tony Blair
- Margaret Thatcher
- The Cult of Ra
- The Bullingdon Club
[edit] External Links
- A video of David Cameron - David Cameron with his version of "Common People"
