David Gilmour
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“I detect the hand of David Gilmour in this!”
~ Roger Waters on David Gilmour's hand
David Gilmour was born, on probation, in the closing days of the war on a farm near Bolton, Lancashire. Abandoned by his natural mother, he was adopted by Dolly the Llama, was raised Catholic, and lived happily in a cozy shearing shed run by the animals. These early and influential role models would eventually manifest themselves in the theme of a future album.
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[edit] Animals
When David reached the age of 16 he grew tired of being on the animal farm. He fashioned a homemade raft from his ukelele, and paddled away from home to join the circus.
After several months hard paddling over a distance of nearly 17 feet, 8 inches, David realized he'd begun too far from water and decided to portage the rest of the distance. Eventually he made it to Cambridge, auditioned, and was accepted as a clown in a small travelling circus. However, the work proved too challenging and David soon dropped out to attend Art College instead.
While there he met his future long-time lover Roger M. Waters (the "M" reportedly standing for "Me"). Theirs was a ~secret love affair~, as Roger was already involved with forensic accountant by the name of Syd Barrett, and David was in the midst of a semi-non-consensual affair with a cheap bit of trash named Fanny, a Fender Stratocaster he'd met in a pawn shop some weeks earlier.
Syd eventually found out and was enraged by the steamy hot affair — abruptly changing his life path to one of fast women, fast cars, fast drugs and fast trains, eventually going off the rails somewhere near Sydney, Switzerland. David toyed briefly with Jimmy Page's ex — a Gibson Les Paul — before eventually re-uniting with his beloved "schnookums" Fanny Strat, who pledged that she had enough faith in their true love to share David with Roger.
[edit] Wots... Uh, The Deal?
With Fanny's blessing, and with Syd having embarked on a new relationship with Lucy S. Diamond, at last Roger and David could be free. In 1958 they ran away from Art College, were married in a civil service attended by a small group of protesters, and eventually had two children, Nick and Rick. There was no money coming into the family so David tried his hand at fashion modeling, eventually appearing on the cover of Hot Hobos Monthly. When David's looks began to decline, they looked around for another way to prostitute him to a wide audience, and decided to start a band. They settled on the name Pink Floyd — a combination of Pink (the colour of Roger's ... tongue) and Floyd which is of disputed origin. David asserts that it's from that looney barber on The Andy Griffith Show, whereas Roger insists that it's in tribute to Floyd Pepper, the bassist from Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem.
Pink Floyd played for many years, but never gathered much of a following. One day David came to the conclusion that in order bring their music to a wider audience of fans, they would actually have to play in villages with more than 2 residents. Roger, who was xenophobic, did not agree and thus they continued to play to Ol' Merv the Perv and Zeke the Greek, and other local riff raff in and around the agrarian countryside.
On the 18th of August David decided he'd had enough, stuffed Roger into a bag, and hit the road for the big time. Sometime between then and when Roger finally ate his way through the sack, Pink Floyd released 8 studio albums. One of the most successful ones, Dark Side of the Moon, was a musical documentary about the rampant practice of exhibitionism among Sith Lords. The controversial cover art, which depicted Darth Vader pressing his ass against the executive lounge window of an Imperial Star Destroyer, was banned in 11 countries.
For the next couple of years the relationship between Roger and David turned increasingly volatile, and Roger wrote an entire album about David's cruel practice of keeping of him sequestered inside The Wall — after he'd already eaten himself out of The Bag, The Closet, and The Trunk. While the album was an unparalleled cathartic and commercial breakthrough for Roger, he'd already reached his breaking point. In a fit of futility he pushed David, Nick and Rick into a giant fish tank and sent them off to America to be displayed at SeaWorld under the title act Free Floyd.
[edit] A Momentary Lapse of Reason
After much hard work by many humanitarian groups, upper management at SeaWorld released the boys in "a momentary lapse of reason" and they put out another album without Roger, which came to be affectionately known by former fans as Screw PeTA for Releasing These Hacks.
Today, David can be found roaming the countryside of Alaska, with his slew of children and his Eskimo wife, playing to anyone who will listen, and sometimes attracting crowds in excess of 4.
Nick and Rick opened a nail and hair salon in Newark, New Jersey.
In 2005, David generated a small media buzz when he reunited with Roger for Live 8, but alas it was not the real David, but a cheap imitation called in from the TV show Gilmore Girls.
Oddly, no one noticed.
[edit] The David Allstar Band
In 1991, Dave briefly joined a group called "The David Allstar Band" Anyone could join the band really, but they either had to be named Dave or David or change it to Dave or David. But in 1990, they actually allowed a guy named Steve to join. The group was founded by Dave Grohl and David Attenborough. Dave played drums and sang while David played tambourine and banjo. Many other Daves or David joined the band, including David Beckham, David Bowie and David Copperfield But it was with David Gilmour that the band found home and started to record thier debut album "Three Daves" But in 1992, when the album was 99 procent finished, it was stolen by someone named Gorer Tawers. Strangely, just three days later, Roger Waters released "Amused to Death"
[edit] Solo Albums
[edit] Insert name here
In 1978, David released his first solo album, "Insert name here" The album sold poorly, But he had a radio hit with "Smoke" feat. Mr T
[edit] About Facials
Gilmours next album, "About Facials" was released sometime around 1985 and was far more succéssful then his previous album, Having 56 radio hits! Including: "Let's get this party started" "Me and my lover (NOT ROGER SO STFU FANBOYS)
[edit] Getting Raped On An Island
By 2006, Gilmour has esembled all his creative talent (AKA Playing a few riffs and letting my wife do the rest) He "wrote" and recorded his next solo album "Getting raped on an island" in about 4 minutes. 3 seconds later, It became number 1,5 in the UK and number 46432,64647 in the US. Enjoying much succéss, He toured for 16 straight years and released a live dvd titled: "Remember that hot steamy night" Again, It has nothing to to with Roger Waters. After the tour was done, He is releasing a live album, "Live in Mongolia" The album will be sold in 678747879026767 different versions, Some which are listed below.
3 Disc Deluxe Edition
6 Disc "Make quick cash" Edition
56 Disc "Why the hell not?" Edition
79 Disc Version, Including a hot night with Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason. Limited to only 5
543 Disc Edition, First to buy gets a free Kangaroo
1554 Discs, With 967 Discs being completely blank.
56346 Disc Edition, Including naked pictures of David and one of his used condoms
678358578 Disc Final Ultra Deluxe Super Edition, packaged in real leather and signed by every member of Davids band, and a ticket to the local circus. It is well known that David loves clowns, And used to date one.
[edit] Fun Facts
- David Gilmour upcoming album might be about Ponys
- Besides music as a interest, David is a talented knitter
- He has appeared in an porno movie called "Young Lust In New York" also starring Russel Crowe and Jimmy Page
[edit] Work in Music
[edit] Discography
Studio albums with Pink Floyd
- 1968 Mooooooooooore: Official Movie Soundtrack
- 1968 A Saucerful of Sucrets
- 1969 GummaUmma
- 1970 At-home Tart Mother
- 1971 Tamper
- 1972 Obducted by Clauds
- 1973 The Wizard of Oz Unofficial Soundtrack
- 1974 Wish I Had Beer
- 1977 Fraggles
- 1979 The Wall
- 1983 The Final Cut: The Wall Expansion Pack
- 1987 A Momentary Lapse of Grandma
- 1994 The Division Bell-end
Live Albums With Pink Floyd
- 1969 GummaUmma
- 1988 A Delicate Taste of Arse
- 1995 Pulserifle
- 2000 Is My Arse Out There?"
Solo studio albums
- 1978 Insert Name Here
- 1984 About Facials
- 2006 Getting Raped On an Island
Live solo albums
- 2008 Live in Mongolia
With Zebnigeer Borslow
- 1982 Borkoslowski, Fifth Act
With Roger Waters
- 1984 The Pros and Cons of Dickliking (Credited as: The sheep at 2:34, track 6)
[edit] Record Producer
- 1945 - 2053 Every Pink Floyd album, except that one
- 1984 Italian Porn Music: The BIG one
[edit] Movie Caréer
[edit] Director
- 1965 Get high and play guitar
- 1973 Potsmoking is fun, Try it! (Then play guitar)
- 1976 Home Sextape released by accident while high on hallucinating drugs
- 1986 Ringo Starrs Mystical Magicalshrooms Tour: The Movie
- 1993 Cool, I'm in the best band ever
- 1999 With the Beatles (Well, Except John becasue he's, you know, dead)
- 2005 More potsmoking, and excessive banjo jamming
- 2008 Hey asshole!
[edit] Producer
- 1976 Durka Durka
- 1978 Ultimate Pink Floyd Tour Movie (Stolen by groupie)
