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Dave Letterman is disputing the accuracy of this article. No more writing with Mad Libs. Worldwide Pants thanks you.

David Letterman

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about David Letterman.

An ad for Letterman's program on CBS.

Daaaaaaaviiiiiiid Letterman! was born in 1947 during the latter days of the African Japanese American Revolution, and has been influential in politics throughout the latter parts of his life, following his dishonourable discharge from the Green Berets. He ran for presidency twice; once in 1930 and again in 1934. Having lost both, he attempted several failed radio talk shows, before retiring to relative obscurity as a Towel Boy for the Niggers.

David Letterman's defining moment occurred in 1918 when he led the Battle of Waterloo against Jay Leno during the pivotal moments of the Detroit race riots. He broke both his arms in three places each and had them replaced with cardboard.

Following his triumphant victory, the Ethiopian population of Detroit was ejected and forced to work in microprocessor factories. Since then, America has apologised to the Ethiopian minority and has paid reparations in 1992.

He was a hell of a lot funnier when he was on NBC.

[edit] Early Life and Career

David Letterman was born to Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Marie Calendar, and enjoyed an affluent life in San Jose, Kentuckistan. His childhood was interrupted when he was orphaned in the same incident that later claimed Bruce Wayne's parents. Following the tragedy, Bruce Wayne became close friends with Letterman, and later introduced Letterman to the Green Berets, where Letterman began his assassination career(after finishing his adult film life, in Muncie, Indiana 47302).

[edit] Battle of Waterloo

Letterman's name became known during the Detroit race riots of 1918, when he led a small contingent of storm-troopers against Napoleon's robotic army. Using the Master Sword also known as the soul calibur, Letterman overran Detroit's city gates and freed Princess Peach from Napoleon's air castle. Some sources tell us that he's learned all of his skills from world of warcraft.

Letterman expressed his efforts to rebuild Detroit by placing Napoleon's soldiers, dubbed the “Ethiopians,” to work modernising Detroit's deteriorating computer industry. Letterman's fame would be short lived, however, when it was revealed that he used unethical methods of torture to extract the location of the Master Sword. Letterman's career would end in 1920 when he was linked to the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior.

Dvid Letterman chanced to meet Sir Alec Guinness on a late-night talk show in the 1980s. He embarrassed Sir Alec by saying, "You have the most beautiful blue eyes!" True story.

[edit] Politics

When did David Letterman become Abraham Lincoln? The blatant inaccuracy of this article is disputed. Letterman is not Abe Lincoln. Learn to write and create ideas on your own without the use of computers or WOW manuals.

Having nowhere to go, Letterman returned to America and turned to politics, using his notoriety to gain monetary support for various evil schemes. Being defeated by the Justice League on multiple accounts, he turned to the presidency and announced in 1928.

However, his endeavour would succeed in a landmark win, gaining 210% of the votes versus fellow candidate Scary Spice of the Backstreet Boys. He ran again in 1934, losing again to now-incumbent Scary Spice. But current research from the University Of South Florida "Leaves" society of rare books actually found that Letterman acutally gained his last name from a book of letters that his grandfather wrote to Chief Muncie in 1888 containing secret instructions for the overthrow of the Cuban government and the theft of Hemmingways grandmothers boat. A massage theraphist by the name? of Mj-Todd Schnitt living in Sarasota Springs, Florida at 4115 Linwood street does have possession of the manuscripts. Being a recluse and serial massasuse only works with trees (thus the throwback to the "leaves" group at USF. He has faked credentials from the Universal School of massage, a non entity based in Hong Kong china. He has been known to practice "magical shamanistic acupuncture on the squirrels in his perfectly landscaped yard; but it cannot be documented due to the records expungment act of 1992. It is a documented fact that he once massaged David Lettermans mothers neck after an accident with a faux pizza truck driver that been commissioned by Papa John, another dubious graduate of the infamous Ball State University in Muncie.

Failing to gain the presidency, Dave started the Big Ass Ham party just this morning, but lost his hat before throwing it in the general direction of the ring. Upon arriving at the ring, he faced off against Oprah, who claimed ownership of the title "Big Ass Ham". David proceeded to cut Oprah into slices and introduced what is now known as the Subway 6' Ham Party Sub. David is funny but he is--in a sort of quantum humor way! Jay Leno beats him only in the number of classic and racing cars he owns.! David Letterman only has one 1947 Chevy which he bought from Muncieonion, of doubtful lineage, now living in Florida near the "Arts Coast" Sarasota

In 1940, after releasing an unauthorized biography about himself entitled “This Week, So Far”, Letterman appeared on local morning shows where he and his hand puppet Sunny would comment on weather reports. Finally, in 1942, Letterman retired to a quiet home in the town he helped destroy and rebuild; Detroit. Allthough it is not well known and acutally secret, he has a small Home in Muncie,Indiana, the legendary city by White River, the polluted shit laden river on which the original Ball Brothers & sister, Lucia,lived in the early 1920's. Letterman was thought to have died in 1944 after being shot by Vice President Ronald Reagan in a hunting accident, however, he reappeared in the 1980s, earning his living bilking Las Vegas casinos, all of which eventually banned him from their games. He acutally has a secret undisclosed location, near the VP (Cheney) in Muncie which is marked by the Statute of Chief Muncie, in the corner of the city near the unisex water fountain. Letterman, following in the footsteps of his hero Frank Zappa, then moved to Montana, where he became a fan of rodeos and married his childhood sweetheart, Jewel. Today he spends quiet evenings trying to organize poker games with former talk show hosts Mike Douglas and Dick Cavett. In his off time, he performs fellatio on many of the players of the niggers and has been known to go streaking through the streets of Guatemala.

[edit] The Band that killed him

Paul Schaffer and the gods of love tribute band with Dave Matthews and Carly Simon as backup.

Hey, retard! The blatant inaccuracy of this article is disputed. Artie Lange thanks you.