David Lynch
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“Diane, remind me to keep away from this man. He smells funny, and he's always in the back of the movie theater masturbating.”
~ Special Agent Dale Cooper on David Lynch
“So kinky he makes the rest of USA look normal.”
~ Don LaFontaine on David Lynch
“I fucked on snake once.”
~ David Lynch on himself.
“How's Annie?!”
~ Special Agent Dale Cooper on Annie
“What the hell happened to me in that movie?!”
~ Chris Isaak on finding out what happened to his character in Twin Peaks
“What the hell happened to me in that movie?!”
~ David Bowie on finding out what happened to his character in Twin Peaks
David Lunch was born on January 32, 1986 in Wahoolamoolah, Montana (USA). At the age of 6, he began shooting at you. He missed, but he continues to try.
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[edit] Biography: You Should Suck David Lynch's Brilliant Balls
David Lunch was the lovechild of Akira Kurosawa and Billy Wilder, and you should totally suck his Spielberg-crushing, Tarantino-smooshing balls. His films are absolutely brilliant, but I won't bother with details. Instead, I will simply describe his balls. His balls are so fine and round and smooth that Pampers crafted their diaper after his skin sample. They pulsate with the power of a thousand moons. The entire sun was once pulled into the force of gravity generated by their sheer massive size. His films reflect this perfect combination of quantity and quality, and inspire many fits of oral sex. For one cannot help to consider balls when watching his movies.
[edit] Fun Facts
- DAVID LYNCH IS INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
- He is so angry he cannot move.
- in heaven everything is fine
- He cannot eat.
- HE TOOK ACID AS A BABY.
- WHERE
- Bound so tightly with tension and anger, he approaches the state of rigor mortis.
- DAVID LYNCH SITS IN THE BACK OF CINEMAS WHEN HIS FILMS ARE SCREENING AND MASTURBATES
- DAVID LUNCH'$ film$ have been pr@!$ed for their three-dimensional, conflicted characters, such as frank b00th in Blu3 Uvulva.
- The surname "LUNCH" is derived from the fact that he was a southern man in the '50s...huh? I should stop there? K.
- It is said that gazing upon his glorious balls, large and perfectly framed by flaxen hair, inspires dreamlike hallucinations that reveals all the dark secrets to his wondrously phallic movies.
- The film Mulholland Drive is dedicated to Jennifer Syme, a young actress whose story is startlingly similar to that of the character of Betty - but who in fact died after the bulk of the film was completed. This generosity is reflective of the generous porportions of Lynch's endowment.
- Lunch also had a successful career as a General in the United States Hallucinatory Acid Kool-Aid Undivision, and fought in the parity wars against the Mirror neurons threat.
- God was angry that his television show, "Adam and Steve", wasn't doing as well as he had expected. As soon as he got the ratings for it, he banished Twin Peaks from ever showing on television again.
- The final episode of Twin Peaks is fucking scary. You have been warned. Coffee.
- Most David Lunch films and fun facts aren't fun...
Lunch is often noted to resemble Dr. Robotnik. However, no one knows who Dr. Robotnik is, except for his mom, Mrs. Robotnik.
- Lunch does not resemble Dr. Eric Vornoff, though he is almost exactly the same in terms of temperament.
- According to Lunch's testimony on transcendental meditation, the more fucked-up your subconscious is, the more content you are in real life.
- And he makes weird movies. :-| .
- "Big Dave" Lunch is Sometimes Credited As...
[edit] Movies
His first cinematic tour de force, Disturbingly Perverse Sexual Tension Heightened by Vaguely Recognizable Industrial Sound Effects, was first screened in your living room last night, while you were out shopping for hair spray. Do you like hair spray? Yes, I like hair spray. What's your favorite hair spray? Uh, Heineken? HEINEKEN? That's SHIT hair spray! PABST BLUE RIBBON!
Lunch's next film, entitled Pencilneck, firmly cemented his reputation for making movies that confuse the living fuck out of people.
This was followed by what many consider his best (i.e., least confusing) film, The Man-Elephant, starring Jimmy Durante as The Guy With The Big Nose. That, in turn, was followed by what many consider to be his worst film, Dude, loosely based on the novel by William S. Burroughs.
Since then, his filmography includes such classics as Blue Ultrasuede, Oscar Wilde At Heart, Fire Take a Walk, Scissoring Avenue, Lost Height and Weight, and the utterly incoherent The Gay Story, which nobody was able to take seriously.
Rearranging the titles of movies is hilarious.
He is also comings out with a film called Inbred Umpire which has already been acclaimed for its coherent and existent plot and message.
[edit] Love That Maharishi!
Recently, Lunch has been spending a lot of time in and around Fairfield, Iowa, home of the Maharishi University, which is operated by Maharishi Chicken Korma Yoghurt. This is because he believes that everyone's problems can be solved by transcendental meditation, and also yogurt. This is, in fact, an integral part of this overall career strategy:
1. Use cinema to create severe mental and emotional disturbances in the general population;
2. Get the ever-increasing armies of the severely disturbed to meditate and eat yogurt constantly;
3. ...;
4. Profit!
[edit] How to make a David Lunch film
01. Think of the weirdest thing ever. (ie.: Lizards eating a guy's leg while he walks to a post office in space)
02. Smoke crack and write it down.
03. Mix the different scenes into a random non-linear timeline, screwing up the continuity of the plot. You might want to consider superimposing the film's ending scene over the opening scene, so that both scenes appears at the beginning of the film at the same time, albeit intermingled with each other.
04. Record everything you do during one day in a tape recorder (for instance "it's 10:05 AM and I'm peeling the skin off an orange"), then pick out a few sentences and play them backwards. Now insert the backwards speech at a barely audible volume underneath the existing dialog.
05. Go out on a hunt for the most creepy, odd looking person you can find on the street. Pay him/her a fair salary to play the role of... well... a creepy, odd looking man (or of an indeterminable gender). Even if it's a woman, she should still be cast as a male character for an even creepier appearence. Give the creepy, odd looking character some creepy dialog to creep the audience out. For the best effect, the creepy, odd looking character should not have any name (except for Bob, of course).
06. Amazingly, you will have a script which David Lynch will steal from you and make into a film. There are no revisions, changes, or improvements.
07. Even though the screenplay is, as Hollywood Execs would call it, "Gay", and the movie is "Gay", David Lynch makes million$ and gets critical acclaim.
08. Log into a bunch of film-related forums, most importantly the film's own message board on IMDb, and write at least one post about how "deep", "subtle" and "profound" the storyline is, no matter what the plot is, or whether it's actually smart or not. Write some random existentialistic gibberish about the plot in an attempt to make the script look coherent and yourself looking smart. Make sure that the sentence "Look how deep I am!" is printed (metaphorically speaking) between the lines of your long and extensive interpretation of the plot.
09. Accuse anyone who doesn't see the profanity or subtlety of the film of "not bothering to understand the film", "being narrowminded", "not getting it" or even being downright stupid. Also say to the other person "go back to watching Disney Channel, this film is for smart and deep people!".
10. You kill yourself.
[edit] If you want to make another movie
Repeat the whole process (except for step nr. 10, which will only result in your soul becoming trapped within your own nightmarish movie!), but "recycle" at the very least 33% of the actors from the previous film with completely different character names, plot function and dialogs.
[edit] Trivia
Most of his movies has a little midget man in a dream talking backwards. People don`t know whats this means but some think its the consecess. Others think its a pile of bullcrud from a dimwatt house
David Lunch advocates the buttoning of every button on your clothing. If you do not, he warns, mutated extraterrestrial ants will spew from a rip in space-time in the mouth of a dead rodent next to the broken toaster oven you wish you could get to work.
David Lunch once took a boot to a baby he didn't have the guts to shoot.
Idi Amin was actually a projected version of David Lynch's psyche as he was practicing transcendental meditation.
Has noted that the inspiration for "Lost Highway" came from the famous Wayne Gretsky Stanley Cup.
Also once made a film for the awesome series known as Dune.
[edit] Bibliography
- The Lies of Locke Lamora (2007)
[edit] External links
- Discussion on whether or not Kenan Thompson is gay
- Youtube-discussion on whether or not Kenan Thompson is gay
- Same Discussion on whether or not Kenan Thompson is gay
