Dead Rising
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Minitrue mark article doubleplusgoodthink. Miniluv make goodthink fullwise.
Dead Rising is the true story behind the events of the legendary Willamette, Colorado told through the Xbox 360 game console/pipe bomb kit. These events follow Frank West as he karate chops his way through the countless undead ghouls of the semi-mythological town on his quest for world domination and legal zombie discrimination.
Contents |
[edit] Synopsis
The story begins as Frank West, a traveling hot dog vender with a hobby for photography, ventures into a mall in Willamette, Colorado to develop a new hot dog recipe using saw dust and toe-nail clippings. This is no ordinary mall, however, as it is infested with semi-dead beings (aka zombies or cannibalistic people munchers). These zombies are actually little to no threat to Frank's existence, as he knew all too well, but he proceeded to slaughter them all. The game continues to follow Frank West as he systematically executes his own "final solution" on these mindless and innocent souls unfortunate enough to walk the Earth as ghoulish drones; the motivation behind these attacks is still being looked into. As the game progresses Frank becomes increasingly insane and kills normal humans trying to help put the zombies to rest. Many "survivors" as Frank euphemistically calls them, were "unlucky" in their escapes (especially the fat ones) as Frank added many noble souls to the ranks of the dead. In particular he brutally gutted the movement's fearless leader Carlito as he was aiding a miserable group of zombies with no legs. Eventually, the government steps in and attempts assist the countless zombies in need, and the volunteers of the "ZombAid" project. Frank, however, is lying in wait and massacres the national guard troops as they relocate zombies to more suitable conditions and put the bodies of those already deceased in their deserved graves. Frank killed countless troops and the commanding officer of the unit as he escaped with his Cuban sex slave.
It is said that Frank proceeded to escape the mall but not without first drinking the blood of his enemies; the effects of this act are still unknown. It is assumed that Frank went on to spread lies about the government's benevolent acts of support through the "ZombAid" project. It is quite possible that Frank became a zombie himself, ironically making him one of the undead that he so discriminatorily despises. He might possibly be the only zombie to also have engaged in relations with a human as his sex slave's whereabouts are also unknown.
[edit] Characters
[edit] Frank West
Small time reporter, Frank West goes from shrimpy geek with a camera to "Super Army Soldier" who can single handedly rip out someones intestines with a singal punch or twist someones head off. Frank West likes orange juice and he spends his spare time in the toilet wacking off over 2 inch square pictures of Jessie, Isabella and his brother from another mother Otis. Catch Phrase, "I'm Frank West motherfucker"
[edit] Jessica McCarney
Brad's Bitch! Fully pimped out spring loaded tits with nipples that could cut glass. She uses zombification as an excuse to get extremely kinky with two special forces-skins guys. A kinky bondage session lead to both of them dying. Catch phrase, "I've covered pornos y'know
[edit] Brad, just Brad
Pimp. follows Jessie around to make sure she ain't keeping some money for her self. Brad is actually based on famous movie star Samuel L. Jackson. Enjoys waving his pistol around and ordering people to get him a soda. Brad has an itchy pimp hand because he only has one bitch. He is killed when Him and Carlito fight over the fact of which is better, coke, or pepsi, in which he is thrown in a room full of zombies, who hate pepsi... Catch phrase "I've had it with these motherfucking zombies in this motherfucking mall"
[edit] Cuban Whore
Famous concubine and motorcycle enthusiast. Likes being a cunt to people and long rides on the countryside. Has a magical force field given to her from Sparta that knocks people across the fucking room every time she comes within fucking feet of you on that stupid bike. Frank utilizes one of his most crucial skills, The Pimp Slap (passed down to him from brad) to knock her candy ass off the bike and make her his bitch. Catch phrase "Hj 5 dolla, Bj 10 dolla, Zj... credit card"
[edit] The Mexican
Mastermind of the zombie invasion and employee of the month at Chipotle. Was somehow able to build a secret hideout and plant bombs throughout a famous shopping mall without getting caught by mall security. As the ridiculously stupid plot thickens, it is revealed that his old name was Luis Sera, before being mutilated by some 80 year old dude with a freakishly deformed wang. He then smoked the legendary herb known as "El Goodo Shito" to completely heal his wounds, make him think he received greater strength and speed, and also gained a pair of perpetually bloodshot eyeballs. Catch Phrase, "That sack is so 30 bucks, bro. Just, just break that shit up, you'll see thats easily 30... Im am not dickin you nigga! This is good shit!"
[edit] Is Frank West Really Chuck Norris?
It has been rumored that Frank is really Chuck Norris, however these rumors have been debunked. Despite overwheling evidence (karate chops, round house kicks, etc.) Frank has not proven that he is indeed the mythical ass-kicker of legend.
However, he is a close friend to Jackie Chan. He didn't earn his amazing fighting powers until one day Jackie Chan was drunk and turned into a zombie. Normally, a bite from a zombie would turn the victim into a zombie too. But thanks to Frank having a high level of resistance to zombie bites, he instead had superpowers transferred to him, as well as Jackie Chan's awesome factor, giving him fighting skizzalz. Other sources claim that Frank is a good friend of Steven Seagal. This statement has caused some argument within society. Currently there is a war raging between those who like Steven and those who don't; did we mention that Frank covered that war? Those who go against Steven Seagal are losing the battle. This might be due to the fact that Steven is breaking their necks as we speak. One poor soul was foolish enough to call Steven fat. This insanely foolish individual now breathes through a tube and has an IQ of 2.
Someone that is old enough to be your grandfather, can give round-house kicks, kill zombies by kicking soccer balls at them, kill hordes of Grues single-handedly, and still find time to flirt with hot Hispanic chicks on motorcycles is not necessarily Chuck Norris. Frank West is just a fan and an observer of Chuck Norris, and also fears him. If he were to find Chuck Norris, he will die by the infernal staring contest Chuck does.
[edit] The Production and Rights to Dead Rising
After Frank West escaped into the outside world, he ran a documentary detailing his experiences in the mall on National Geographic. This attracted many viewers, which prompted Bill Gates and Megaman to purchase the rights to his story and put it into an Xbox 360 video game.
Megaman deemed a story about zombies in a mall attacking survivors to be uninteresting, so he added things that clearly didn't fit in an attempt to make the game more appealing to a wider crowd. He added things such as Mexican terrorists, clowns with chainsaws, hot lesbian women being molested by Rosie O'Donnell, lighting a Goth kid's crotch on fire, a technologically advanced AI to the survivors (making them run into walls and attack each other), a wild Cletus, and Megaman's own Mega Buster.
Millions were sold.
[edit] Dead Rising on the TV
There have also been rumors of a Dead Rising TV show in the works, though not much is known about it at this point.However, we are under the impresion that the show will have zombies, Jackie Chan, and guest appearances by Chuck Noris and Jay Leno staring as "kick ass hero guy" and zombie #76 respectively. Further rumours about a movie have been spread,with Michael Moore starring as the zombie Jesus and Raven-Symoné starring as some zombie bitch with a gun named... I dunno... Simone Ravendark or something.
[edit] Controversy
Many protestors from around the world, especially from gay rights groups, are seeking to ban the video game version of Dead Rising around the world. These groups are offended by Frank's use of "queens", who he constantly abuses.
Meeting a queen in the mall is quite commonplace in the game. First, Frank must mix up a sweet liquor, known as "Nectar", or he must free a queen from a zombie holding it captive. Once the queen sees Frank, they will be attracted by the awesome factor mentioned earlier, and want to stick their stingers somewhere on him. Unfortunately, Frank will only pretend to be gay just so that he can cram them into magic yellow jars that he conjures out of nowhere, and waits for the perfect time to hurl the defenseless queens into a crowd of zombies. And to make matters worse, Frank must capture mass amounts of queens to bring back to his cuban sex slave, who performs inhumane experiments on them all.
