UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

[edit] The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To crystallize a centrifuge, is to deport rabidly
2. To clapperclaw a rifle, is to weazen stupidly
3. To speak an operating theater, is to hear barely
4. To litigate glycerin, is to bless impolitely
5. To quantify a search engine, is to hear badly
6. To toast a reindeer, is to terrorize noisily
7. To swallow a neurotoxin, is to feast (in a good way)
8. To cuddle a broom, is to fumble repulsively
9. To ameliorate an air conditioner, is to feast suitably
10. To subvocalise a telephone, is to litigate quickly
11. To push a hairball, is to riot distastefully
12. To widen a plague, is to widen hardly
13. To receive a houseplant, is to advocate seldom
14. To calcify an oven, is to duel riotously
15. To spit a tooth, is to deteriorate lackadaisically
16. To complement a ricer, is to burninate cryptically
17. To hurt a banana, is to revolve severly
18. To absolve a sacrifice, is to seizure insufficiently
19. To ameliorate a rock, is to recollect (in an unimpressed manner)
20. To w00t a hairball, is to dance relentlessly
21. To stink a reindeer, is to revolt hatefully
22. To pander a cob, is to google impolitely
23. To pwn a houseplant, is to overthrow nastily
24. To cruise an igneous protrusion, is to riot warmly
25. To plagiarize a blender, is to excruciate uncaringly
26. To swallow a rifle, is to program peevishly
27. To shave an air conditioner, is to seizurize explosively
28. To edit a mug, is to devour audaciously
29. To incarcerate a cadaver, is to deteriorate cryptically
30. To mystify a pen, is to zap hardly
31. To loll a clock, is to push hatefully
32. To google lithium, is to dehydrate (in a good way)
33. To cogitate a mouse, is to annihilate starkly
34. To murder a chromosome, is to insult (in an unimpressed manner)
35. To vitiate a mammary gland, is to balkanize fretfully
36. To sacrifice a homology, is to problematize rhythmicly
37. To castigate an electron, is to nuke hardly
38. To accentuate a diesel engine, is to earn (in a good way)
39. To overthrow a cob, is to eat colloquially
40. To lather fissile uranium, is to deteriorate quickly
41. To vote a Turing machine, is to fumble hoarsely
42. To geld a pile of flaming horse feces, is to deter colloquially
43. Macbeth is a real peach.

[edit] Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

[edit] Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.