Death metal

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“I stopped believing in myself when Cannibal Corpse sold platinum.”

~ God on death metal

“Disturbing”

~ Lucifer on death metal

“This is sooooo lame, man!”

~ Norwegian Doom metallist on Death metal

“Fuck, yeah!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Death metal

“Are they supposed to be insulting god? ”

~ St.Peter on Death Metalists

“D'oh!!!”

~ Homer Simpson's reaction on hearing Death Metal

Contents 1 Roots 2 Eagles of Death Metal 3 How to Recognise Death Metal 4 The Squiggly Lines Phenomenon 5 WHAT is Death Metal and why am I gay for listening to it? 6 Famous Death Metal Bands/Artists 7 Why do people want to listen to Death Metal? 8 What are the people who listen to it like? 9 Clean Death Metal 10 Death Metal: Not to be Confused with Dead Metal 11 Death Metal and Shiny Metal 12 A serious note

[edit] Roots

The roots of death metal can traced back to 2000 BC when the Anasazi discovered a new emotion: Rage. The Anasazi did not no how to express this feeling, so they kept it bottled up until one day an Anasazi man named Ch'thzhlu'tu (Pronounced tom) lost his temper and hit his best friend Ch'lith Zhu (Pronounced Warble) over the head with a rock. This sound helped relive Ch'thzhlu'tu's rage, so he did it again. Soon, hitting Ch'lith Zhu with a rock became a common way to release rage. But one day Ch'lith Zhu had been beaten so badly that he was just a smear on the ground, so the Anasazi had to hit something else. They made small statues resembling Ch'lith Zhu to hit. These statues became known as Drums. Soon the Anasazi found that drums were not enough, so they added downtuned guitars, bases and incoherent shouting to the sound. However, it wasn't until Cookie Monster in his band Cannibal Cookies that death metal found their trademark vocal style.

Other sources suggest death metal was formed from a over cooked fruit bat that escaped from a George foreman grill. Ozzy Osbourne then bit the head off the bat and spewed blood over a guitar amp. This caused a paradox in time, merging death with metal. It also has been known to asplode brainzz.

[edit] Eagles of Death Metal

The Eagles of Death Metal aren't death metal at all. They are a band with members from lots of different bands like Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Main Page, and many more. The real death metal bands consider these guys to be posers and don't deserve to have "Death Metal" in their band name, so just pretend that their name is The Eagles, only even more gay. The Eagles of Death Metal are known for their support of the transfer of aids via anal sex.

[edit] How to Recognise Death Metal

As most metal sounds the same most people cannot tell the difference unless they have spent years blowing their ears out and getting depressed (see tasting wine. However there are common characteristics of all death metal that may assist in identifying a death metal band. While to the untrained ear, all Death Metal songs go like this: chuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggachuggaChooChoo! Those trained in the higher art known as Deathus Metalus (its Latin root), know the following:

Vocals	If greater than 6.66% of the vocals are comprehensible it is unlikely that you are listening to death metal. Death Metal vocals usually sound like a male with a dick in his mouth. "aka sex with a dog". Or recording yourself being raped by a bear works also.
Lyrics	If you are able to find a lyrics sheet then lyrics dealing with bodily functions, bodily fluids and mutilating corpses are a good sign of a death metal band. The absence of any other lyrical topics is also a good pointer. Words that start with "D-E-A" usually work too.
Guitar and Bass	Usually there is no differentiation between guitar and bass, they all just play. The two approaches to creating the most chaotic sound are playing painfully non-melodic passages together or all players playing randomly. This approach is not utilized in any other form of music. "Actually Fucking The Guitar Up The ASSHOLE"
Drums	Death Metal drummers often hit the same drum many times in a very short time period. As a result death metal drumming sounds like they are simply trying to annoy the guitar players and/or are falling down a set of stairs. Hitting a wall with a hammer as fash as u can is called alternative death metal drumming.
General	Usually music has elements such as tempo, melody, harmony, and structure. However death metal is absent of these elements. Because of this death metal is often mistaken/declared as noise. or noisecore...or brutal noisecore..or technical noisecore. Album covers that have cartoons with excessive amounts of blood are a good indicator of death metal. Albums that have cartoons that have dead zombies dressed as doctors with their hands inside a female corpse thats torso is ripped in half, with corpses of babies hung by their umbilical cords in the background is a near certain indicator of a death metal band. (Or simply an image of Buddy Holly can qualify as a death metal album) While early death metal, circa 17th century stuck around tempos of 50-60 bpm with a dub reggae groove on the kick drum, death metal of today can start at 300 bpm and upwards to 30,303 bpm as set in the death metal hall of fame by Origin. Members of Beneath The Massacre have been quoted as saying anything below 500 bpm just isn't death metal anymore, and should be classified as Hardstyle trance music as is said to make listeners want to jump standing on one leg for extended periods of time

It is also well known that a good Death Metal album is called a "slab" while a shitty one is called "deathcore".

[edit] The Squiggly Lines Phenomenon

An exclusive aspect of death metal is the manner in which death metal artists draw logos for their band. This is done by drawing several sharply angled lines on a piece of paper, then drawing the band's name somewhere in the midst of these lines.

An examination of most death metal band's logos will reveal a simple equation used to determine certain factors about the band. The rule is as follows:

The harder it is to read the name, the more death metal the band is.

Some death metal bands choose to engage in the process of 'bleeing' when drawing their logos. In this fashion, bands choose to simply draw lines instead of actually including their name in the logo. This makes the band even more death metal.

[edit] WHAT is Death Metal and why am I gay for listening to it?

"Death metal is pure evil embodied." Actually, it isn't, but a lot of fans hope it will be true one day. Many people mistake it with its brother, Black Metal. Grey Metal is yet to be invented (though there is something called Dark Metal), but when it is, you can be damn sure Uncyclopedia will have an article on it!

Listening to this type of music usually induces brain hemorrhaging, which leads to bleeding of the ears. Bleeding ears in the Death Metal culture is highly fashionable, which means ears must be bleeding at all times. This shows that you listen to the loud, gravelly buzz noise that is Death metal. A popular Death Metal artist is Britney Spears.

Death Metal is also a way to appease sadistic psychos, nerds, metalheads and insecure "manly men", however, exposing these people to too much death metal will result them to go on a rampage where they will rape and kill your children. Then sacrifice their souls to Satan. Known killers that listen to death metal are the Columbine murderers, the 'Virginia Chink', George W. Bush, Doel López, that one Cuban bloke, and every single killer in human history. Scientists are currently working on an experiment that will probably prove the fact that animals that kill also listen to death metal.

Death Metal is also an effective deterrent.

Contrary to popular belief, 666 is not the real number of Satan, but 616 is.

BTW, those who don't know Ted Bundy (A.K.A the GOD of Death Metal) will also be anally raped by his dead body.

[edit] Famous Death Metal Bands/Artists

• The Cookie Monster
• Gorgoranaium
• 50 cents and a Carving Knife
• The Samuel L. Jackson Five
• Behemoth and The Wailers
• Grey Haired Killers
• Fall-Out At the Disco?
• Grave Grinding Evil Death Beasts (later called Starz)
• Michäel Ordĕalŗyuu
• Axl Rose (Wrote every song on the Cannibal Corpse album 'Butchered at Birth')
• Johnny Rotten
• Cochise from 'The Warriors' (Rembrandt ((also from The Warriors) prefers black metal and emocore)
• Gojira
• Gojira 1.2
• Gojĕyerar
• The 'NME' Magazine Editor (who sings on many Deicide songs including 'Hips Dont Lie'
• Leela (once the Violin Player/Singer for Old Timers Cannibal Corpse)
• Mahatma Gandhi and the Corpsegrinding Killer Nazis
• Andrew 'The Aussie' Hansen's Cannibal Corpse cover band, Cannibal Lounge
• Defeated Manity

[edit] Why do people want to listen to Death Metal?

The reason for this is quite simple, really. The reason why people want to listen to death metal is either because they are [insane] retarded or, or in other words, because the great deity they worship known as the satan demands it, or when a man is insecure about his sexual inclination, listening to death metal will immediately make those men an irreversible heterosexual. Also it seems to be a very powerful weapon against black people, hippies, emos, poppers, middle-eastern people, bjork, giraffes and Scooby Doo. and dont forget a towel

It's been scientificly proved that llamas, white people, mentally disordered, wolves, vikings, mexicans, pale chicks, sith lords, cthulhu, beans (maybe because they were created by mexicans but not proven) as seen on mythbusters, stone cold, jesus and goku enjoy death metal.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn't mind the occasional Death Metal either... I mean Hey! Who doesn't (minus emos and Goths)

[edit] What are the people who listen to it like?

The younger generation who claim to listen to the said type of music, are normally poseurs; people who try their best to gain friends of their kind. But of course they should know, listening to Death Metal is not cool, which leads back to the point of them being poseurs.

The older generation however, consists of fat, hairy, balding, biker men. They usually walk around in lots of leather, and carry bottles of liquor in brown paper bags with them everywhere they go. Some of them wear bandanas, not to be confused with bananas or the duodenum. These such people walk around in packs, grunting when spoken to and spitting when speaking to. Their language is a jumble of 'Eurrs', 'Yrrs' and 'Oiis'. To make it easier to imagine, think of a drunken pirate.

One of the confusing things for many Death Metal bands is that they are always being told by adoring fans that they are 'sick'. "Dude, that is sick." "Dude, you're sick." "Sick performance." "That's a sick riff." "Sick vokills man." Countless hours in emergency rooms and doctors' offices has not given Death Metal bands the answer they need: namely, why am I always so 'sick'? Researchers in Norway, Antartica and other Death Metal hotbeds have spent decades analyzing microscopic bacteria found in the body hair and beards of many Death Metal band members. Dr. DeRay DeVorkian, clinical researcher at the University of Norway believes he may have pinpointed the cause of the universal 'sick'ness found in many Death Metal bands. DeVorkian writes, "My team of researchers believes that the microscopic bacterium known as Metallus Morbidus may be behind the maladies so prevalent in the Death Metal community. We recommend that all Death Metal bands be innoculized at least once a year against this bacteria." For more information go to the University of Norway web site at www.norway.edu/metallusmorbidus.pdf

[edit] Clean Death Metal

Clean death metal is just like 'Death Metal' but they also sing and play about cleaning up after massacring people with ice picks and hammers, Such Lyrics like " RIP YOUR GUTS OUT THEN EXTREME CLEANING WITH MY THROUGHLY AJAKS SOAKED CLOTHHHH!!!" This Genre came out so people who like death metal are warned of the Effects of AIDS and salmonella whilst killing people.

Clean Metal is also likes to sing about how to clean other things like the family car and the dog Such songs as 'Brutal Disenfectioning the Scab' By Brutal Disinfection.

[edit] Death Metal: Not to be Confused with Dead Metal

Dead metal just sounds like my mother being raped by a Llama. There is a difference here people.

One of the most famous Dead Metal bands is I raped your mother because I am a Llama

[edit] Death Metal and Shiny Metal

Death metal is made up of american teenagers who want to be harder then other metalheads, conversly Shiny metal is made up of sweedish people with long hair who like playing melody. Shiny metal bands call themselves death metal, nobody knows why. See Shiny Metal or Children Of Bodom

People who don't listen to death, can't really spell. Example... The asshole up there. "Themselfs"

[edit] A serious note

Goths and Metalheads do not mix (I'm sorry if I offended anyone who listens to AC/DC who classifies themselves as a metalhead, seeing as by this a metalhead is something different). Goths like to keep themselves to themselves and eat poser Emo-Kids so they can use blood as makeup, whereas Metalheads run down the street blind drunk and naked, often heard shouting "LAWLAWLAWL WE RAWX UR SAWX DUDEZ". Goths on the other hand would never do such a thing as it would impinge on valuable myspace obsessing time. A celebrity or 'Alpha Goth' would have to be seen doing it first, before the others would embrace it as an unique act of individualism, and copy it.

Goths tend to listen to bands which use broken computers and singers with lung cancer to make music. Any Goth who doesn't listen to that form of music, is considered a poseur or emo kid, and must be shot immediately. The Goth community wouldn't be caught dead with any Metalhead, seeing as they are poorly educated and have poor hygiene not to forget, severe brain damage and hemorrhaging.

Their skin is a pale white from the lack of sun exposure. That is why no goths exists openly in the south or the west. Their bodies were incinerated by the brutal sun. Metalheads thrive in the sun while moshing to some gore soaked brutal fucking madness!

Anyone to confuse Goths with Metalheads should think twice before publicly criticizing either, for criticizing will be done back. Ever had a your gonads smashed by a ball-pin hammer? (quote from Cattle Decapitation Testicular Manslaughter!) I think not!