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Defensive Vomiting is a common self-defense tactic used in most modern cities to protect against rape, mugging, robbery, homework, Grues, Death, and Jews. It can be used to keep warm when hypothermia is a threat. It can be also be used in a pinch as lubricant, or to give bums a free meal.

[edit] Origins

The first person to use defensive vomiting was a model in New York, returning home from an excruciating meal at White Castle. Suddenly realizing that her meal of 40-some White Castles would be devastating to her physique, she ran to a nearby trash can and took a swig from a flask filled with syrup of ipecac that she carried on her belt. Suddenly, a mugger pointed a gun at her, and turning her head in suprise, expelled the contents of her stomach all over the man's new leather jacket. He quickly ran away, so frightened by this gastro-intestinal display of force he renounced crime forever, moved to Illinois, and became a priest. Stunned by her improvisational defense mechanism, she told most of her bulimic friends, who had always been bothered by both muggers and rapists. Crime rates in New York City fell .03%, and now most police departments throughout the USA have at least one member of the force who is trained in the art of defensive vomiting.

[edit] How To

Defensive vomiting is an effective way of keeping away undesireables, and is a technique not difficult to master. First, locate the undesirable that you wish to keep away. Once the target is identified, open your mouth extremely wide and hold your index finger up. If this does not deter the criminal in question, place your finger inside of your mouth. At this point, the target should stop in his/her tracks, realizing that you are trained in this art. Still, some people are just plain desperate for money/sex. For these determined people, reach your finger as far as you can into the back of your throat, and quickly retract your finger. It is extremely important that you both retract your finger and time the activation of the regurgitation so that the target is within two feet of you. Aim your head in his/her direction, and let loose thy intestinal fury. If you are up to it, quickly run away. Criminal deterred!