Delia Smith
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“I'm gonna fucking kill that Delia Smith. I've done it before and I'm gonna do it again”
~ Adolf Hitler on Delia Smith
“Her Delia Wrap was lethal, I just couldn't get out of it”
~ Jamie Oliver on Delia Smith
“I applied pressure and she steamed unable to lift the weight”
~ Madhur Jaffrey on Delia Smith
“She couldn't stand my Boston Crab”
~ Nigella Lawson on Delia Smith
“I'll never ride the underground rail road again, not after my run-in with Delia Smith”
~ Oscar Wilde on Delia Smith
“Smell that cooking, it's what beans does to me”
~ Delia Smith on Flatulence
“She gives 110% where ever she goes but she has an annoying knack of protecting things with plastic instead of letting nature do it's cause”
~ Tony Blair on Delia Smith
Born Delia Catessan in Camp David in 1930, is a renowned TV personality, notable for her ability to cook while playing football, she married Will Smith in 1983.
Delia is a well-known tee-totaller. She has not drunk alcohol since the age of 5, and she is a well-known figure in the temperance movement. Her books include Why I Do Not Ever Cook With Hard Liquor?, Cookery: Sober and Loving It! and Non-Alcoholic Cocktails: A Guide For Football Directors.
Smith rocketed to fame in 1999 when she bought a controlling stake in Chelsea Football Club, apparently in protest at the poor catering facilities at the ground. Unfortunately she faced intimidation by organised crime syndicates, and was forced to transfer her interest to a Football club which is so low that even Ipswich Town's supporters look down on it. She went on to become a media tycoon; at one point, over 90% of the BBC World Service broadcasts featured Delia (or one of her five husbands) discussing either football or macrame.
She currently ekes out a living in the London Underground, luring passengers on to the tracks using a modern incarnation of a will-o-the-wisp. Delia then eats her victims, after sauteeing lightly and smothering in a rich cheese sauce (More recently Nigella Lawson has joined her in this and together they released a DVD through Playboy called Nigella and Delia both bite. The current London Underground safety handbook lists her as "mostly harmless", and suggests that staff on no account carry kitchen utensils on their person.
Delia is a Siamese twin to Tony Blair, separated before conception.
[edit] Fight with Madhur Jaffrey
Back in the 1980's famous Bollywood actress Madhur Jaffrey moved onto Delia's territory bringing out recipe books and presenting a series in 1989 on the BBC this lead to an almighty cold war between the two, culminating in a grand fight caught on camera that has since been released on VHS and DVD and outsold all their recipe, television and film work, leading to a truce between the two and making a fortune for them and the BBC.
Delia turned up at Madhur's programme with some Custard pies and threw them in Madhur's face shouting "How dare you take my place, how could you!", Madhur looked stunned and Delia then knocked over the table spilling Oil, Turmeric and Ghee all over both of them ruining their nice shirts and trousers. Then Delia grabbed a Hand Food Mixer and jumped at Madhur knocking her over and getting on top of her baring down with the mixer, Madhur frantically grabbed her hand and held off the food mixer, reaching across she stretched and stretched and managed to reach the plug and turn it off, then a quick whack of Delia and she stunned her enabling her to knock her off but only for Delia to reach a knife, the 2 circled - Delia lunged but Madhur moved out of the way skidding on the gooey mess on the floor, Delia threw the knife but missed and Madhur grabbed her and both fell into a historical drama.
"Aha" said Delia "on guard" and picked up a sword kicking away a small footstool inexplicably in front of her, lunging at Madhur she missed and was pushed away, Madhur grabbed another sword and they duelled many a long hour, their names are legends in the stories of old - finally Delia knocked the sword out of Madhur's hands but Madhur leapt forward and pressing her down got on top of her chest pinning her arms with her knees - at that moment news had come in that the ratings had soared and that desperate to reduce the TV Licence Fee that government ministers had used the Royal prerogative to order the BBC to make as much money as possible from it and so it was released as Spicy Rolls and and a re-match was arranged called Hot Crumpet Desi that would start in Delia's studio and so they are great friends now and a new generation is carrying on in a series called Saucy Chef Wars, however with the arrival of Nigella Lawson - Fifth Columnist, Spicy Sex Goddess, Wrestler and former Chancellor of the Exchequer both were defeated comprehensively by quick Boston Crab submissions in 1995 on a DVD entitled Nigella Fites, as Nigella says "The Boston Crab is, I think, hugely underrated and was effective against the older women".
[edit] Trivia
- Delia duetted with Sarah Whatmore on the worldwide #1 single You're Dead, a tribute to the passing of Maureen from BBC's Driving School.
- "Delia Smith" is an anagram of "Funky good food maker".
- Her first name, "Delia", is highly unusual in Western societies. Its original meaning is "sweet child who pays scant attention to the calorific content of her cooking".
- Delia is over twelve feet tall in her socks, but of normal stature when wearing sandals. This is why you never see Delia without footwear.
- Delia spends her leisure time wishing it were Christmas Every Day.
- A typical Delia main course is big enough to feed a family of four, provided that the family is not very hungry.
- Her best selling book, "Complete Football Course", isn't very good.
- She plans to write a book on limpet mines, co-authored with Stephen Hawking.
- Delia served in the second world war in Korea, as a cricketing umpire.
- Delia's fifteen daughters are all called "Delia".
- Now having had grandchildren and being married to Will Smith she is now well known as Fresh Granny Smith.
- Delia's dishes are all extremely popular due to the availability of the ingredients. Such ingredients include diamond encrusted dodo eggs and alligator steak.
