Dell
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“Tonight we dine in 'Dell'!”
~ 300 Guy on Dell
Dell is a company founded in 9022 after some bored farmer created a machine to help The Farmer in the Dell. They currently make personal computers that explode randomly, making it a terrorist's choice of bomb.
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[edit] Consumer Warning
Purchasing from Dell may result in broken products, angry people, dropped service calls, worthless warantees, and south asisan people whom speak broken English whilst refusing to solve your problem without threatening their jobs ended up making you want to kill them (no threats). Dell Laptops may spontaneously combust and burn your testicles while you are viewing porn. New Dell touchscreens are able to burn your fingerprints off, resulting in a huge batch order to the Men in Black facility.
- Notice Dell will never take responsibility for burnt testicles no matter how many you have, or how many role playing games you reference unless you are a Krogan and have 4*
[edit] History
On 2007 Young Been Cho turned gay and expanded the world with this disease (Young is Gay disease.) This day Young Came out of the closet and fucked a big brown horse. Since he went to the Pimpin Univesity of dummies. This was a very boring time for Young(because we all know that all schools are fucking boring) and later on in his life he became Velas bitch who did Taek Kwon Do. One day this small dude came and said Young you are gay and he said "oe no jodaaaa!!!(which meant that young was gay and proud of it)." From this day on Young Been Cho is gay.After becoming Velas bitch he went to becoming a geisha in china. Since he was so ugly and no body accepted a fuck from him, he had to pay the people for a fuck. On 2007 Young Been Cho turned gay and had sex with a mule.Young fucked so much his pussy turned into many wrinkles. Young Been Cho's life onward was so horrible. He went to the Americano school in Ecuador and started really bad. Afterwards one day he got so mad at a guy he told the guy "oe no jodaasss!!" he took of the guys pants and licked him. The guy was so angry he got Young and started raping him. Amazingly there was no effect; Young's disease caused no pain at all. In 2002 Young attempted to fuck a computer surprisingly. As his addictions with computers continued he decided to make one for his own necessities. The computer was called Dell (so I was right, Young WAS a bored farmer IN YOUR FACE)which stands for dick erection loving lots. But in real Young knows what it was called, it was called Psis which stood for penis sticking in substance. Since this name was not valid on the market they changed it. On 2004 Young finally sold over 100 copies of this thanks to his spreading disease (YBCIG) Young Been Cho is gay. This disease spread so quickly and widely, this is why many people bought DELL Inc. In 2005 Young was now so happy he was rich and had been gay all his life. He gave all the prostitutes $3 million. With his Dell Young every day went to Riocentro to play tibia although he sucked at it. Thanks to this he never did his homework and paid extra to pass the grade. Instead of getting wireless home internet he retardedly went every day, he got there by pagando el pasaje. This little chinese stupid gay kid loved the ugliest most flattest girl in school. Young Masturbated every day with his electric dick. He liked her because she looks like a man. From selling wood to Dell machinery, AMAZING!!! CHINESE MARKET!! His bed is still made of wood, and uses his Dell as a blanket. Today Young with all the money he has lives in Chongon (Ecuador).
Special Thanks to Young for the Autobiography!!!!
[edit] Today
Today, Dell is the crappiest manufacturer of computers. They make every effort that everything in the computer ESPECIALLY Windows is crappy and overpriced, although Microsoft has already successfully done this since 1968, but also the motherboard, power supply, and mouse/keyboard. Rumored as a scheme was to create the new Blue Screen of Hell (by Dell) so they can make a lot more money. They like money, and they suck so bad, that their building just caught on fire. Dell also pretends to support open source software like Linux and ketchup but actually they don't because Microsoft threatens to eat them if they do. This means they rely on feeding pigs large amounts of bacon to balance their karma. Apart from all this, Dell's creator Young is still GAY, it is told that at this very moment he is getting raped. So remember if you see Young and he says "oee no jodaaasss!!! or "Callate, tranqui, tranqui" or some times "lokolokolocolocolokolkoklko!!!!!! just get away or if you are strong enough kick his little fucking chinese white ass. Hit him right on his but crack because that's where he has his weak point.
Some Dell Executives of recent years have questioned the lives of people who visit the encyclopedia "Uncyclopedia", and type in Dell, claiming that "these people have no fucking lives what so ever"
[edit] Recent Announcements
11/28/07
Dell announces the dPhone, a touch based MP3 phone built on Dell's wonderful MP3 technology. All dPhones come equipped with the Dell Tech Support number on speed dial one, with a direct link to 911 should the exploding battery kill you like that guy in China...
01/01/07
Dell CEO Mr A.Hitler sadly resigns from personally defecating in all new system's due to ill health and announced that this task will be outsourced to foreign workers fed a diet of corn and pigs blood.
10/09/06
As of 10/09/06 Dell has announced that it it will be shipping all new systems with a sizable quantity of cyanide placed in a dell style PEZ dispenser. this new strategy has reputably increased sales 20% and consumer erections by 15.25%.
[edit] 2008: Staples Anti Dell Campaign
In 2008, Staples ran an add where a man in an office panics because "we're out of ink" and "it's Dell ink". The implication being that Dell ink is much harder to find than any other ink. Staples then offers a discount on Dell ink in the commercial but the message is clear: consumers should not buy Dell printers. Otherwise, they will be forced to run around in a panic about Dell Ink as opposed to being in a panic about ink in general.
[edit] Troubleshooting
Dell computers are unique in that in order to troubleshoot with them you must physically beat the meat. It seems crazy, but trust us on this one, some type of physical damage must be dealt on a Dell in order to return it to it's fully functional capacity.
[edit] A few good ways to troubleshoot
- Throw it out your home's second story window
- Computer at the office? Take the elevator to the top floor, go to the stairwell, go up and out onto the roof and drop.
- Take it to the middle of a field and beating it with all your might is a good way to fix your problems.
- an example of this was seen in Office Space, although the printer was not a Dell, the same technique applies.
- Bring it to a gun range and unload into it. The Bullets allow for more connectivity between circuits meaning faster connections.
- Golf clubs handy? Great! Take it outside and practice your driving skills on it. (WARNING: may 'cause serious damage to good golf-clubs. Any damages done to clubs is completely your fault and you've never heard of Uncyclopedia, this article, or the recent editors of this article. If you have indeed heard of this article, Uncyclopedia and/or it's editors, especially me, they are not at fault for any of your artardic actions. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!)
- Lawnmowers are particularly useful in this endeavor, much like fixing and I-pod in a blender, a lawnmower returns the hardware to it's original state.
- Leaving it in a porta-jon to soak over night is usually a good way to fix your Dell. The diuretic marination permeates into your motherboard and adds an extra megabyte of RAM magically to your computer. Scientists believe this is because Dell's are made of crap and so are returned to their natural element by being placed in the glory-hole that is a porta-jon.
- Light it on fire, that's simple enough. Everyone knows that you boil water in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria, why not you computer?
- If on fire because your dell set you on fire, silly little things they are, always remember to stop drop and roll. Should you have battery acid on you well write out your will and pray to
Steve Jobs we mean God that you die quickly.
- Try HP Technical Support. We're serious! Hp'll know better then DELL how to fix a computer.
[edit] Bad ways to troubleshoot
- Call Dell Support. They will not take your call, in fact they will ask to put you on hold and place bets to see how long you will stay on before you hang-up. It's a fun joke to them.
- Use the built in Help and Support section of your computer. This is an utterly horrible tool. There is no hope for this program. It will trouble shoot your computer into the 1800's and you'll be running on a giant Hamster wheel before you realize that you've been duped. (If this does happen to you please do post a picture it would be quite hilarious)
- Buy a warranty, those are for chumps, don't want to be a chump do yah?
[edit] Products
[edit] Exploding Laptop
Exploding Laptops are a new project by Dell to test combinations of batteries and spontaneous combustion to create a lapbomb. Several success stories have been posted to the internet, including reports of an exploding laptop at a conference in Japan. It has also been learned that Dell has known about faulty, dud, exploding laptops for years before finally providing a replacement for them.
it is known that Lebanese Hezbollah is in possession of several Dell Lapbombs, making it difficult for the UN to find nations for disarming the Hizbollah. (to bad that Hizbollah cannot even get this things to but up because they don't have a enough plugs in their bombcar)
They've also introduced a new concept, in which if you have your laptop on your lap you will get sterilized.
They also make great gifts for your enemies friends!
"How do you break a Dell? Look at it"
"Hallo, Dell customer service team, how may we piss you off today?"
"Have a break, have a different PC."
