Dennis Kucinich
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Dennis Kucinich (September 14, 3012 T.A.) is a Democratic United States Senator from Illinois.
Born on the east end of Hobbiton,Kucinich currently thinks he represents the made-up -4th District of Imagination Land in the United States House of Representatives. His district includes most of western La La Land, as well as such suburbs as Goo Ga Land and Candyland. His activities include showing up to House meetings drunk, and rambling about his plan for Iraq. The others sit there and try to tell him he's not actually a representative, until he shouts, "SECRETS AND LIES, THAT'S ALL THIS PLACE IS! I'M RUNNING AWAY, AND YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ME!"
From 1977 to 1979, Kucinich served as the janitor of a school in Cleveland, Ohio. There he was pushed around and teased by tiny kindergardeners, as well as their respective parents. Kucinich then sought out to be a politician. He became as successful as Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton, minus their contributions to civil rights.
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[edit] Personal details
Kucinich was born in Cleveland as the eldest of the forty-eight children of Frank and his 5 wives, Kendra, Alice, Mary Lou, another Alice, and Virginia Kucinich. His father, a polygamist, was of unknown ancestry; his Irish American mother, a homewrecker.
Kucinich was baptized a Roman Catholic. He is a virgin, but has a daughter somehow, who is named Dennis Jr.
[edit] Early career
Kucinich's joke of a political career began after his janitor years. He tried running for City Council in 1967. His appeal to voters was stating that under his regime, he would raise taxes on anyone who is employed, and make sure all unemployed people, especially those who have never looked for a job, would receive 600,000 dollars a year. His other plan was to plant trees all over the city and make marijuana use manditory. Only 5 people voted for him, including himself, Snoop Dogg, and his 3 grade-school friends that remembered his name. His mother and father, concerned about his regime, voted for the other guy, who nobody remembers.
[edit] Cleveland Mayoralty, 1977–1979
After 10 years of living at his mother's home, crying every time the words city, council, the, a, or resemblance were mentioned, Kucinich was elected Mayor of Cleveland because his mother pleaded the city to do so. Since his mother was a whore, everybody knew her and voted for Kucinich in 1977. This was a mistake. Kucinich had really no idea what he was doing. The people of the city tried to assassinate him, the first being his mother, who realized what a mistake she made. All the attempts missed to his right, because he is such a leftist.
Melvin G. Holli, in consultation with a panel of experts, placed Kucinich among the ten worst big-city mayors of all time for reasons of temperament and performance in the book, Best and Worst of the Big-City Leaders 1820–1993. <------THIS IS FACT!
This Mr. Holli is the nicest critic of Kucinich. In a recent poll, of the biggest piece of trash in the world, he was placed at number 1. In a related poll, he was ranked #1 on least likely to ever have sex. Also, God, even though he loves everyone, admitted that he does not love Dennis Kucinich.
[edit] Post-mayorship
After losing his re-election bid for Mayor to George Voinovich in 1979, Kucinich cried and cried and cried somemore. He became an emo kid for a while, with many candle-lit wrist cutting sessions and depressing poem writing sessions to prove it. He moved out to Los Angeles, and failed to get a job. All he did there was sit on the street and hope people reckognized him to give him money.
In 1982, Kucinich moved back to Cleveland and ran for Secretary of State; of course, he lost the Democratic primary to Sherrod Brown because only about 1 person voted for him. In 1983, Kucinich ran unopposed to fill the seat of a Cleveland city councilman who had died. He still lost the vote to the dead corpse of the former councilman, but, since dead people can't be elected, he won anyway.
He didn't do a lot as a city councilman. He wanted to be Mayor again, and he sat there and sulked about it. It was then he started drinking. He is still an alcoholic.
To separate himself from the Democratic Party and to blow all chances of ever being a success, he joined the Mental Illness Party. People aren't quite sure why, however. While it is true he has mental illnesses, it probably isn't wise to join a political party of that name.
[edit] House of Representatives (or so he thinks)
He lost the reelection for city council immediately. He didn't have a job, or any talent, or any meaning at all. Many people felt sorry for him. Then, Kucinich claimed a miracle happened. Then-president Bill Clinton gave him hope, however. This was a mistake.
Clinton, pulling this all out of his ass, told Kucinich he can be a Congressman. When Kucinich asked what district of what state, Clinton replied, "You can represent... uhh... the -4th district of... uhh... 'Imagination Land!' Would you like that?" Kucinich had tears in his eyes and thanked him. He now thought he mattered.
[edit] His attempt to be president
Unfortunately, this House of Representatives business got to Kucinich's head. He thought he was an actual politician. In 2004, he ran as a fringe candidate. When he lost, he cried, and incumbent George Wackjob Bush told him there's always a next time. This too gave Kucinich false hope. He has decided to run for president in 08. He joins the Democratic debates uninvited, and usually gets interrupted or laughed at. He is dead last in the polls, and a recent poll showed voters would trust Michael Vick, Chris Benoit, Adolf Hitler, Jason "Satan" Kendall, and Tim Donaghy with the presidency more than Kucinich.
Kucinich has stated that until he dies he will continue to run for President, despite the fact that my balls continue to get as many votes as he does each election cycle.
If elected, a Kucinich presidency would lead to the United States having the first FLILF in our country's history.
