Dentist
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“Okay, now I just need to poke this thing here...oops, that wasn't supposed to happen”
~ Dentist
The last of the great masked professions. From the hygienist to the Evil One himself, they hide their hideous personas behind sterilized masks so no one will be able to identify the person/s responsible for that missing 4 hour block of time that was supposed to take half an hour. Have you ever noticed how if you accidentally come to a little early and catch them with their masks off they quickly position themselves into a three quarter profile before they turn back around with mask firmly in place? Impossible to identify in a police line-up. This profession is nothing more than legalized S & M. That time the drill bit "accidentally" shot out of the socket and stabbed your tongue? That was no accident! Neither is it an accident the way they always suction out everything but the back of your throat which, thanks to gravity, is where all the tooth shavings, drill bits, cotton, bubblegum flavored grits, and impression putty would logically go. It's no wonder that if you ever ran into one of these sado masochists at the mall or grocery store you would have no choice but to smack them up side the head but this will never happen because you have no idea what they look like. Finally, let us not forget that dentists have the highest rate of suicide of all professionals.
[edit] The Art of Dentistry
- see also Visiting the dentist
Dentists in the UK are a specialised type of con-man. Through years of cleverly planned deceit and manipulation, they have managed to craft for themselves a profession in which they are approximately £100,000 better off a year for doing nothing more than counting from 1 to 8 and back to one again and then saying 'See you in six months' time'. For some unexplainable reason, they earn more than Doctors despite the fact that they only have knowledge of a single, small part of the human body. It is for this reason that dentists are generally hated in society and the common term of endearment for a dentist is 'Cunty'. Dentists have a certain power which compels them to never show their face to any camera, if somehow someone does catch their face on camera the person will be attacket by un spellang and supa powerfule toothfarees.
[edit] Orthodontists
Orthodontists, or the 'Super Scum' are a special type of dentist where the scum gene is ultra concentrated, possibly due to inbreeding amongst dentists. The crucial difference is that where dentists have an amount of social life which tends towards zero, orthodontists have absolutely no lives whatsoever. Outside of working hours, they amuse themselves by sitting locked in their bedrooms and playing with the model teeth that they have built using the impressions of humans' teeth. They also compete with eachother to see who can fit the most metal inside a child's mouth on the pretence that it will make their teeth straighter. They call this device a 'brace' or, if they cannot fit enough metal inside the mouth and thus decide to add a bit more around the outside of the head, 'head-gear'.
[edit] The Great Mishap of 1956
On the 14th of November 1956, a terrible and tragic event took place at the Toothfairy Lane Dental Practice in Bolton. At precisely 12pm GMT, Mr James Sedgewick, the chief dentist at the practice, was running on time for an appointment. Eyewitness reports said it was a dreadful thing to behold. One woman fainted and was taken to hospital suffering from concussion. Since this incident, careful measures have been introduced to ensure that a dentist is never running on time for an appointment ever again. The exact details of these measures are top secret, known only to dentists, orthodontists (The Super-Scum) and Mr T. However, it is widely believed that the most crucial measure on the list is that dentists are now forbidden to turn up to work any less than fifteen minutes late. It is also widely advised that they run in the door shouting 'You can fucking wait a little bit longer' so as to appear as objectionable as possible to the general public.
[edit] History
In 1837, back in the day before the invention of strawberry schnapps, irish coffee, and other sugary snacks everyone had perfect teeth and the word dentist never crossed their minds. Even so, the government was worried about spiralling unemployment rates and the looming specter of child labor laws which left it with the formidable task of creating new jobs. This involved a multi-tiered process which started with the invention of cotton candy and and ended with the profession of "Dentistry" or "evil dirt-eating fucking bastards" (to put it politely).
Out of work miners armed with pickaxes, silver, mercury and other assorted mining paraphernalia were immediately put to work "saving" people's teeth. As an added bonus to the government's coal mine to work program, the tooth-saving measures frequently failed, requiring the recruitment of wood and ivory carvers into the newly fangled field of denture making.
[edit] The Dental Waiting Room and Magazine Rack
Because the dentist makes on average £1000.00 per hour, he can afford to equip his waiting room with state of the art antiques, cutting edge decor, up to date and interesting reading materials, and comfortable seating. But for some reason he doesn't. The dentist prefers to recycle Field and Stream, Newsweek, and Town and Country subscriptions because he knows the articles all say the same thing:
blah blah blah, omg do I hear someone crying? Damn, why do they let the sound of that screeching fucking drill reach the waiting room. You'd think with modern technology they could find a way to make a quiet drill, blah blah blah fishing lures, worms etc. What the HELL! I know I got here before that bitch! Why are they letting her go before me? I hope I don't get the hygienist that always sprays my neck and forgets to suction this time. blah blah President Clinton admits to getting a bj what? again? I thought they forgot about that, oh, May 1997. I wish those old ladies would ShUt the FuCk UP. blah blah Britney Spears shaves her underside and flashes Park Avenue. Oh no, I KNEW that old lady would start talking to me. Maybe I'll pretend to be deaf. You got here when? 8:00 Fucking AM! That means I'll be here another 3 and a half hours. Back to the magazine, she'll leave me alone if I'm really into this Newsweek article. Oh thank God they called her in. Blah blah average american believes President Bush is a Mama's Boy. MS. DENTAL PATIENT. Oh yay! My turn at last. WE DON'T HAVE A COPY OF YOUR INSURANCE CARD ON FILE. COULD YOU PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT DESK SO WE MAY MAKE A COPY? God dammit.
[edit] The Study of Dentistry and the coming invasion of the Borg
There is no logical reason why aspiring dentists should not study medicine just like aspiring opthalmologists, dermatologists, and all other kinds of doctors. When asked, dentists usually respond with a quirky smile and, if they're trying to be funny, some comment along the lines of "pulling out people's teeth isn't really all that demanding". The real reason, as mentioned above, is that they spend their years at "university" being assimilated by the Borg. Once the assimilation process is completed, they are returned to earth to implant as many microchips as possible so as to ensure a smooth regime change once the Borg invasion starts on April 18, 2019.
If you have ever been treated by a dentist, you are advised to pull out your teeth at once. You might look like shit, but hey, you'll still be human 15 years from now.
[edit] Uses
There are no known uses for a dentist, it is just a waste of money. There is no gain to be had from visiting a dentist.
Other ways to waste money (with at least one good factor):
- Buying Earplugs - So you don't have to listen to Bill eat lunch.
- Paying for sex - You get sex
- Going to the Moon - Cheese
- Going to McDonalds - Free napkins, ketchup, and straws
- Chocolate - Substitute for sex
- Ice cream - Substitute for chocolate
- Diapers - Baby doesn't shit on the sofa
- Buying lots of coasters - Your drink will never ruin your table again
- Playing in traffic - Learn about natural selection
- Going to a dentist - No point, completely worthless
[edit] Common questions asked by Dentists
when they know damn well you can't answer with a mouth full of toothpicks and cotton:
So what have you been doing all summer?
Ugh ish ucking urts, ou're oking ee with a ford
Do you own dental floss?
Ugh ourshe I ucking on't, ooo do ooo ink I yam, assatt
Just say when it starts to hurt
Aaaagh
Don't be shy, just say it when starts.
[edit] Tooth whitening or how Dentists pay for their new BMW
It is impossible to leave the dentist's office without hearing this question, "Have you ever considered tooth whitening?" This is a very carefully crafted question that warrants examination. The dentist is not suggesting you actually need whitening. He knows he can rely on every human's vulnerability and self esteem to immediately sucker you into paying for this unnecessary procedure. In this way the dentist has no guilt of breaking the hypocritical oath of "do no harm." He has simply asked a question. A question he knows will begin a conversation about yellow teeth. Maybe humans aren't supposed to have teeth 12 shades whiter than the whites of their eyes. Maybe yellow teeth are, god forbid, normal. However, it is too easy to prey upon human self consciousness. This is especially true in the case of young single women who are already bombarded on a daily basis with magazine covers, porn, television, and movies. Not only are they constantly comparing their breasts to every girl they see. Now they are comparing their teeth to every person they see. When the dentist sees a girl in his chair, you can almost see the dollar signs flash in his eyes. Then, he suckers her in like oh so many before her. Girls, you're boobs can never be big enough, and your teeth can never be white enough, so please quit while you're ahead.
Tooth whitening is a cosmetic procedure and is thus not covered by Dental insuraNce. Patients pay for it out of their own pocket. Dentists have already invested in the tooth whitening products so they are more than anxious to start offsetting the initial start up costs they have incurred.
[edit] Seinfeld and Dentists
What do you call a doctor who flunks out of med school? A dentist. Always check to see if you're shirt is tucked or untucked before going under the anesthesia at the dentist. You may wake up untucked and then you're damaged goods. Also, anti-dentites believe dentists should have their own schools.
