Depression

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(Redirected from Depressed)

Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:

You are a worthless human being. You can help Uncyclopedia by just killing yourself. Or editing this page to give yourself some semblence of self worth. But seriously..

“After spitting out all these citations that people keep on quoting, I wish I was f***ing dead!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Depression

“I wish you were too!”

~ Joe on Oscar wishing he was dead and how depressed people feel about angry people

“Turn that frown upside-down!”

~ Your dentist on frowning

“Masturbating cures everything!”

~ Bettsy on Cures for masturbating.

“In Soviet Russia, Depression has YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Depression

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

~ A depressed individual on cliffs

“Oh God! I'm so depressed! I can't take it anymore!”

~ You on listening to Westlife

Depression in psychiatry, refers to the mood-state in which the "feeler" experiences negative emotions to the degree that therapy... Oh, crap. Who am I kidding. Who really cares about this anyway? Not me...I mean I USED to, but nothing really seems to matter anymore. I should just let someone else who isn't a pathetic loser finish writing this article.

Scientists theorize that depression was selected by evolution to rid the world of useless people like Adolf Hitler, Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath and Jesus Christ by means of suicide. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self annihilation. Christians, pantheists and other lunatics that hold their deity to fairly low expectations claim that this is evidence to support Unintelligent Design as the self-preservation instinct in worthless people is entirely useless. However, many philosophers point out that in order for a person to be truly worthless they would have to be deprived of a, in their case, virtuous self-destructive nature. It is worth noting that the pussies who expound this theory have absolutely no influence within the academic community what so ever.

Depression causes many subjects to take these rocks and pummel them through their heads.

1 Self-Diagnosis of Depression
2 Dangers
3 Treatment
4 How You Can Help People with Depression
- 4.1 Music Can Help
5 Emos And Depression
6 People with depression
7 Pointless articles, that don't even provide any advice on where to purchase lengths of rope

[edit] Self-Diagnosis of Depression

Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless.

[edit] Dangers

The key dangers of depression, include its signature alluring smell of shit, covering the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. Other dangers include the well documented and cited fact that depression makes girls and boys think you're cool. ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

Once coolness has been gained from our key subject through means of becoming depressed, we then leave him to die, as it would have been better if he were never born at all, then continue our investigation elsewhere forgetting about his cool, dead, rotting corpse. Never to think a single thought of him again, purely for examples sake, and not because his face is genuinely hated.

Here comes the noose to end all your pain

[edit] Treatment

Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money and plastic surgery including cutting themselves for mean cool permanent scars. Others find that putting a baby in a sack and beating the sack with a hammer is a great way of dealing with depression, it makes you glad that you took that you decided to take this road instead of an abortion. However, the only proven-effective cure for depression is suicide.

[edit] How You Can Help People with Depression

Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard against which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.

Tell them to "just snap out of it". Be sure to sound impatient and frustrated so it's clear that you have more important things to do than help pathetic, self-absorbed wretches.

Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.

Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Saviour, they wouldn't feel so sad.

Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.