Derek Smart
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Derek Smart, full name His Almighty Grace and Wise Benevolence, the God-King Supreme Emperor of Emperors, Conqueror of the universe in General and earth in Particular, Doctor Derek Jebediah Marcus Richmond Bubba Harold Khan Smart, Crusader of the Digital Age and Destroyer of the Ancient Coke Menace, is an almighty God whose awesome power dwarfs even that of Vin Diesel and Will Smith combined. To worship Derek Smart is to live life on the true path of righteousness, and woe bedtide any whom dare to cross him, for he tolerates not the heretic, and they are soon smote beneath his wonderous boot heel upon their uncovering.
"Some people have even questioned my insanity, but, I never doubt."
~ Derek Smart
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[edit] The Arrival of Derek Smart
Derek Smart existed long before the universe did (his birthday being Octembuararchuly 8nd, a now defunct date. As a result he was granted immortality.), but he got bored so he waited around for the universe to get here. When it did, it was only because he was bench-pressing fifty tanks at the time and one of them fell off and exploded. This was the Big Bang, and Derek Smart happened to be right at the middle of it, but was utterly unscathed because he is a badass. Due to Derek Smart's position when the universe was created, he found himself right at the centre of the universe, causing it to revolve around him as it tried to get a look at his manly form from every angle possible. He told it to stay where it was but keep spinning, so he could go look for Pizza, because even Derek Smart loves pizza.
In the year 40,000 AD (After Derek), Derek Smart finally arrived on Earth, but he didn't like it, so he blew it up with a well-aimed sneeze and replaced it with a ball of fluff in his pocket before anyone noticed. He descended down to the surface, and this is when he first encountered his arch enemy, Coca Cola. He swore to destroy it wherever he encountered it. Humanity bowed down to Derek Smart and gave him lots of pizza, and times were good. Unfortunately, Coca Cola had been sneaking around behind Derek's back and had infected some of the populace, turning them against Derek and causing them to disagree with the Derek Smart Way, resulting in their destruction. This time, he just swore.
From that day forth, Derek Smart has protected humanity from the perils of Coca Cola, and has showed us his path as being the only true way to exist. All other ways of life are nothing before the Derek Smart Way.
Let it be noted that he recently signed an Alliance with Pepsi, calling it "A worthy ally in this crusade against evil." Hopefully this new force will be strong enough to take down Coca-Cola once and for all. When asked about Dr. Pepper, his only response was, "Meh, I guess its alright."
[edit] Derek Smart's Almighty Powers
Derek Smart possesses many powers that only a god of his calibre could even dream of wielding. Of course, he is so powerful he does not necessarily need these powers to survive, but he's just that cool. They include, but are not limited to;
- Super Ego
- Super Strength
- Super Speed
- Super Intelligence
- Super Reflexes
- Super Mario
- Super Bowl
- Super Weaving
- Super Speech
- Super Trolling
- Super Flaming
- Super Accuracy
- Retractable Claws
- Unretractable Claws
- Semi-retractable Claws
- Fireproof Skin
- Iceproof Skin
- Foolproof Skin
- Eye Lasers
- Finger Lasers
- Nipple Lasers
- Knee Lasers
- Toe Lasers
- Hand Lasers
- Foot Lasers
- Actually pretty much any kind of Laser
- Kung Fu
- Woah
- Leet Origami Skills
- Dangerously Good Looks
- Absolute Mastery of Everything Ever
- Time Travel
- Mind Hacking Skills
- Prehensile Extending Fingers
- Devil Trigger
- Demon Wrath
- God's Wrath
- Wrath of Khan
- Grapes of Wrath
- KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
- Has a PhD (pretty huge dick)
[edit] What Derek Smart has done for You
Derek Smart protects the entire human race from the grave threat that Coca Cola presents to us all, and he gave us the Derek Smart Way, the only way to live a successful and fulfilling life. Infact, it's the only way to actually live, because anyone who strays from the Derek Smart Way will soon be crushed like chaff beneath his grand and almighty shoes. If you but listen to his teachings, you can be saved.
Derek Smart once had a beard, but he threw it away. It combined with the other junk in his trashcan (bearing in mind of course that Derek Smart's trash is the greatest trash in the universe) and evolved into God. Some people worship it for some reason, but Derek Smart doesn't care, for it is a part of him, and to worship God is to worship Derek Smart, and thusly to follow the Derek Smart Way. The only god that Derek Smart does not approve worship of is Lenny Kravitz, because that bastard owes him $15.
This one time, Derek Smart got so angry that he headbutted the moon, which inevitably smashed it into atoms. He felt sorry for it, so he replaced it with a giant lightbulb. This actually turned out to be a lot more glowy and kickass than the previous moon, so he kept it that way. This is why the moon glows like that at night. Throwing rocks at the moon is a violation of the Derek Smart Way and is punishable by 5 weeks of non-stop frotting.
[edit] Sins against Derek Smart
There are only three things in the universe that anger Derek Smart;
- People who do not agree with Derek Smart
- People who point out bugs or flaws in his products
- Coca Cola
No matter how obviously futile it is to go against Derek Smart, some people have attempted to cross him in the past, daring to disagree with him. This is not bravery as some may be led to believe, it is stupidity, for the Derek Smart way is the ONLY way. And for those who would stray from his path, the great lord Smart has many a weapon to use against them, such as profanity so extreme it can shatter mountains, and insults so gravely terrible that all within earshot are immediately burned to ashes upon hearing them. But though he is fearsome and terrible when roused, if you have not strayed from his path then you have nothing to fear, for he is a fair god and only metes out destruction to those who truly deserve it. Unless you're Emo. Derek Smart hates emo. Oh yeah, and hobos too.
Coca Cola however, is a far graver matter. In his mighty benevolence, Derek Smart has taken up arms against this foul, brown, fizzing threat from beyond the stars, vowing to protect the human race from it at all costs. He burns the already infected, as they know not what they do. They die with his forgiveness. However, such is Derek Smart's love for mankind, he immediately flies into a colossal rage at the sight of a Vending Machine for this vile produce, and immediately battles it to the death. The machine always comes off worse, because Derek Smart is invincible and cannot be killed. Not even by falling down a pit. Remember to reject Coca Cola where you see it, and pray to Derek Smart. Under no circumstance should you touch it or even look at it - just pray, and his magical ability to teleport from anywhere in the universe will be your savior. Oh yeah, and you should probably get to minimum safe distance, too.
So great and mighty and all-knowing as Derek Smart is, that he can be summoned on any IRC chat room or Internet forum by making fun of him. He usually appears in 15 minutes or less and defends himself and viciously attacks those who committed blasphemy against him. The very words that Derek Smart types, have been known to destroy small moons or asteroids or small planets, and destroy the very souls of those stupid enough to mess with Derek Smart.
[edit] Derek Smart wannbes
Some people have tried too be like Derek Smart, but failed. Miserably. These people are:
- Takashi of Hard Light
- Derek Not-So Smart
- Terran Frakking Command
- Jesus Smart
- Derek Christ
- Snail's younger brother, Slug
- <insert name here>, who likes getting into the beds of older men.
[edit] The Enemies of Derek Smart
- Freespace fans - a group of mysterious, rarely seen creatures that live in a giant space station orbiting Earth. The station is named HLP - to this day it is unknown what it stands for (though Happily Licking... Something... Is a popular theory). Freespace fanboys are an evil, uncultured and disorganized rabble that rejected the Way of Smart, even when He paid them a personal visit and tried to enlighten them with His Holy Words and gift them with His amazing game. Surprisingly enough He was defeated and driven off from the station, leading many to believe that Freespace Fans are immune to His PhD and trolling powers. This is yet to be confirmed, but it's the only current explanation for the crushing defeat of the Almighty Smart.
- Coca Cola - the great evil from beyond, the fizzy horror from the can. Because of it's evil seducing powers, Derek Smart has wowed to destroy it and is even now waging a titanic battle to save our souls. It should also be noted that Smart has accused Coca Cola of training the Freespace fans as a weapon against Him in it's unholy crusade. FS fans denounce these claims, saying that most of them hate Coca-cola too...however, they hate Smart even more.
- Chuck Norris - it is said Chuck Norris rebelled against his creator, the mighty Derek Smart (many scientist speculate that Chuck Norris is in fact his own creator and superior to Smart, so in reality there was no rebellion), to prove he is more badass than him. The titanic clash between them is yet to happen. Some say it already did, and the universe was almost destroyed because of it, so Smart and Norris postponed their fight until the Judgment Day.
[edit] Derek Smart: Did you Know?
- You are not Derek Smart.
- Derek Smart is sometimes listed as DEREK SMART!!!
- Derek Smart has three sons, a daughter, and a hamster, all by different women.
- Derek Smart just loves pizza!
- His personal vehicle is one of the Jeeps from Rat Patrol.
- God created the universe. Chuck Norris created God. Derek Smart created Chuck Norris.
- Derek Smart feigns ignorance.
- Derek Smart made some computer games once. They were so brilliant tens of people played them, as mortals couldn't stand their brilliance and live. Some tried and died. Evil blasphemers try to claim those poor souls committed suicide, but we all know hanging, cutting wrists, poking your eyes out and overdosing on whatever is lethal are perfectly normal acts of divine wrath.
- To defy with Derek Smart is to suffer a fate worse than death.
- You will obey Derek Smart.
- Derek Smart does not need to see your identification.
- Derek Smart has an evil twin named Derek Not-So Smart.
- FreeSpace fans hate Derek Smart. Let them burn.
- Derek smart tried to make FS3. Unfortunately, the evil FreeSpace fans stopped him.
- Derek smart tried to make a PC game.
- This is not the wiki you are looking for.
- Move along.
