Des Moines, Iowa
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“I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to.”
~ Bill Bryson on Iowa
“I like pie . . . BRAIN pie . . .”
~ a Des Moines undead on pie
| Official languages | English, guttural tones |
| Mayor | Frank Cownie |
| Mayor of the undead | Chester Stilwell |
| Established | 1843 |
| Re-Established | 1956 |
| Currency | braaaaains |
Des Moines was founded in 1843, losted in 1853, and then relocateded as part of the Federal Witness-Protection Program in 1956. Best-known as a center of American snotball production, the city is also home to several fast food restaurants, a modern laundromat, two strip clubs, and a goat.
In a time of civil unrest in their native land, one-time Iowa governor Tom Vilsack invited zombies to settle in Iowa. Thousands of Undead families migrated to Des Moines to start their new life preying upon the citizens of Des Moines.
In recent years, Des Moines has become the acknowledged leader among all US cities in the use of unnecessary, irritating, and disruptive highway-repair projects to assist in organized-crime money-laundering schemes. prevent citizens from having a nice day. improve vital transportation infrastructure.
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[edit] History
Located on the banks of the Des Moines, Raccoon, Swamp Rat, and Dangerously-Rabid Weasel Rivers, Des Moines' geographic advantages were a key factor in its explosive growth during the 19th century, as well as its frequent outbreaks of explosive diarrhea in the 20th century.
A common misconception is that Des Moines was originally to be named "Raccoon City" after one of the four rivers that converge there into a giant cesspool of disgusting filth. In fact, Raccoon City existed across the Des Moines River from the present-day city for several years before being purchased by the Umbrella Corporation and moved to South Dakota, where it is currently undergoing extensive underground construction.
[edit] Social Climate
Today the city is 75% Caucasian, 8% African-American and about 15% Undead with a negligible Hispanic and Vampire population. There is widespread Zombie discrimination and racial tensions run high. The Zombies, however, don't discriminate and enjoy eating the brains of every ethnicity. Des Moines operates with a unique system of living and undead segregation. The undead population has its own ghetto within the city, Windsor Heights, which has its own police force to slow traffic to a zombie-like crawl, its own mayor, and a Wal-mart.
There is a large underground homosexual population in the Des Moines metro area, mostly on the Clive end of Urbandale. Most of them have been buried in unmarked graves, though some may be found in one of the two local cemeteries from which they are not yet banned.
[edit] Economy
In addition to its preponderance of corn-pone, Cornholio, Children of the Corn, and zombies, Des Moines is headquarters to more large insurance companies than any other city in the world. This is primarily to take advantage of state and local statutes that forbid any organization larger than three people from paying an insurance claim.
Unlike other US cities, Des Moines has its own currency, human brains. Exchange rates with the US dollar tend to fluctuate considerably, based on the holder's ability to comprehend economics. Also, value of each piece of currency tends to depreciate quite rapidly given natural rate of decay.
[edit] Famous Des Moiners
Another unusual aspect of Des Moines' culture came about in 1905, with the passage of the Celebrity Birth Prevention Act, a local law that still forbids parents to give birth to children who will later become national or international celebrities. The law went unchallenged until 1950, when the aging parents of TV actress Harriet Nelson (real name: Peggy Lou Snyder) lost their case in the Iowa Supreme Court and were beheaded. In 1978, the mother of travel writer Bill Bryson was fined $100,000, but the city returned half of that amount when she successfully proved that no one had, in fact, heard of Bryson. Tana, the sore loser on The Apprentice, and that fat guy from The Ellen Show also crawled their way out of this dump.
This obscure statute later affected the global political climate when Charles Taylor, father of Slipknot lead singer Corey Taylor, fled Des Moines and emigrated to Liberia, where he accepted the open position of Dick-Hole Tyrant.
Currently, the city is preparing a massive international manhunt to find and punish the parents of recently-cast Superman Returns lead actor Brandon Routh.
[edit] Sports and Recreation
Visitors to Des Moines are impressed by its beautifully scenic hiking trails, suicide-booths, jogging paths, foot-bridges, and parks, all designed to make their inevitably unsuccessful attempts at escape from packs of ravenous brain-eating zombies that much more pleasant.
Des Moines also has a baseball team, the Iowa Cubs; a hockey team, the Iowa Stars; and a zombie-killing team, the Iowa Undead Threat Neutralization and Cadaver Removal Squad. However, the most popular sport in the Des Moines Metropolitan Area is Elvis-spotting. Visitors are asked to report any Yugos seen driving past one of the several local shopping malls to the local authorities, who will usually do nothing about it whatsoever.
[edit] Thermonuclear Annihilation
[edit] See Also
