Design and Technology
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
Design and Technology, also known as DT, CDT, Hell, why the fuck am I not doing home economics for GCSE?!?!.
|
[edit] Origins
Design and Technology, or DT, was original used as a form of torture for some of the worst crimes of medieval Europe, such as murder, treason and apple scrumping (all Johnny Foreigners think stealing apples) However in the Treaty of Birminghamshire 1487, the use of DT as a punishment was added to a list of cruel and unusual punishments along with several other fiendish punishment methods, in favour for the more humane hanging, drawing and quartering Luckly for the period 1487 to 1946 DT never happened. However it was re-introduced for the Nurbergerring trials at the end of World War 3.141592 It was kept undr wraps and guarded however some escaped into the water. Quickly, like wildfire the subject of DT poped up all over the world, under different aliases. Despite many attempts to allow the subject to die off naturally this has all failed. Today UN resolution 3.141592 is trying to place this evil thing under a new section of the Geneva Convention, cruel and unusuall wotsits.
[edit] The Curriculum
DT consists of a piece of coursework, theory and time management. Some quick definitions of each subject area;
Coursework: consisting of a large project to make a low quality, unfuctioning piece of wood, metal and platic, possibly with nails sticking out of it that is slightly less dangerous than a disgrunteled and over huffed kitten with an AK-47.
Theory: this is a period where the pupils (inmates) are intended to learn the theory behind DT, however all that is learnt that the process of welding paper and wood together doesn't work and splinters of steel hurt, also a pillar drill and a hand dont mix.
Time Management: important to learn how to manage time in a similar way to Dr Who as you're going to need it.
[edit] Safety
There are several rules in the Dt workshop that should always be used and these are:
- Always leave the chuck in the pillar drill when turning on. It makes sure the bit wont come out
- Harder, better, faster, stronger. The harder you hit something makes it better. Also it moves faster this in turn makes you stronger so when you feel like making something again you can hit it Harder.
- The Centre Lathe must always have the chuck inserted especially when your not wearing your safety goggles.
- The Disk sander is good for polishing your fingernails.
- The MIG welder produces fantastic amounts of Light so Gloves must be worn at all times to prevent you from getting Skin cancer.
- The new improved soldering irons now use hold heat (like in the JML adverts)and use precision grips like a pen. Always hold the soldering iron as close to the tip as possible so that it does not break.
- The average Design and Technology department contains over pi dangers, and 5 lost ophans.
[edit] Murpheys Laws of DT
These are a bit like the laws of physics unbreakable....
- You will always forget to put the safety shield down when the teacher is looking and the bit you are working on will fly in search of the nearest window.
- You will turn the wrong handle on the centre lathe just when you have nearly finished parallel turning you DT project so that it gouges a huge gorge through your pride and joy.
- The pucker factor is always a factor. Pucker factor is proportional to the loudness of the noise made by the Centre lathe and the closness of the tool bit to the chuck spining at 1000rpm. The amount of trouser pinched by you behind is directly proportional to the pucker factor.
- Things that take time only appear when you have none.
- Squeaky noise = ruined work
- As soon as you've finished routing something the router will jump and remove a large chunk of material
- You will learn Jesus hates you
[edit] Areas Covered
Generally the areas covered by DT involve materials (unfortunatly wood, plastic, metal don't work, you must be able to tell what every material is by its density in mercury. Joinery, not just prit-stick, but everything else like a KDF (knock down the french) and element 'x', sticks the unstickable. Also covered in depth is health and safety, below is a dramatically shortend list of videos essential to safety as per the needs of HM The King Lord Sir Sea Lord Air Commodore Level Seven Wizard Master Anthony Hogmany Gerald John Susan Blair include:
- LEDs, our overused friend
- Johnny and the Evo Stick
- Welding you hand to a door hurts
- Johnny shouldn't play with Epoxy Resin
- Johnny don't drink that tub of Varnish
- Johnny and why he has been banned from the workshop
- Johnny and the low quality running joke
- Health and Safety SIT DOWN, SHUT UP AND DON'T QUESTION THE NANNY STATE!!'
[edit] Tools
[edit] To be used
These are tools approved by both Satan, Jesus himself and the BBC to be safe and non ruining work
- Pencil
- Rubber
[edit] To be avoided
These are tools that make Hitler seem like Mother Teresa with some facial hair problems. Always capable of ruining work
- Knife
- Lathe (all forms)
- Tenon saw
- Chain saw
- SAW I, II, III
- Johnny Foreigner
- Drill
- Anything that spins, heats up, moves, glues or generally does anything
- You
- Angry kitten
- Brocolli
- Snakes on a Plane
- George W Bush
- Microsoft
- The Blue Screen of Doom
[edit] Aims of DT
The intention of DT is to teach people to how to analyse stuff, research stuff and make stuff. This is where Dr Who and the Tardis become useful. As without these it would be impossible to finish the project in a matter of 3 weeks, luckly ever good workshop owns a time discombobulator.
[edit] The Future
In order to bring about the end of DT use the workshop Time Discombobulator to go back to when you decided to do DT and change it to Media Studies, or Home Economics. In the more likely event of you discombobulator not working or not existing, evaluate, analyse and count down the days until it all finishes.
