Desmond Tutu

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

“Like a badger in the night, he'll save your soul before you know it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Desmond Tutu

“You don't wanna bring arms-house. I'll bring arms-house to your mum's house.”

~ Desmond Tutu on Murkage

Desmond Tutu encouraging the congregation to "Feel The Burn" at the Church Of The Latter Day Funk.

International superstar Desmond Tutu is famous for discovering the Cheese Helmet of Bosnia with the aid of 193 pixies in the deepest and darkest Cheese Mines in Kentuckistan. However, the exact location was never revealed to the outside world, and Desmond is now internationally revered for his extremely efficient Cheese Foundry processing.

1 Biography
2 Quotes
3 Action Figures
4 Religion
- 4.1 Mr Wiggles
5 Discography
6 Filmography
7 Graphography
8 See Also

[edit] Biography

Desmond Tutu in an early publicity shot for his pick pocket company.

Desmond Tutu's Holy Membership Card.

Born in 1806 to a pair of notorious white rappers known for shooting sparrows and having an unhealthy liking for beef, young Desmond (or, Barbara when he visited the clap clinic) was primarily influenced by a little known method to trebuchet live cattle at small hamlets in North Yorkshire. This was later found to be an ineffective cure for mad cow disease, and he was recorded as quipping “well that’s no funk, stop yo jiving me down bitch”.

Growing up as an hermaphrodite left its scars, and during his teenage years he successfully impregnated himself three times, the only child to survive this ordeal was Margarita Pracatan. Desmond only found true harmony when he teamed up with Mr Wiggles his imaginary friend who taught him how to burn things.

After failing Funk School, Desmond decided to dedicate his life to eating meat. The first 30 years were reasonably successful, but he found he had developed an incurable laugh which plagues him to this day. To this day he can often be found in Brixton sobbing into a gutter whilst laughing his head off, one day he knows his slippers will come off, and that will be the end of it.

Funk School taught Desmond to be tough, he learnt advanced ninja jive and was often seen using it on the streets of Rugby. He spent many nights in the local police station trying to jive his way out of ever more desperate situations. Eventually Liam Neeson found this poor plight of a boy and took him under his ample wings in an attempt to turn him straight.

Unfortunately Liam Neeson wasn’t up to the task and Desmond grew ever more powerful in the use of jive. Eventually NATO had to send in Godzilla to sort out the mess. The resulting child from this unholy matrimony was Barbra Streisand (taking part of her father’s nickname).

Eventually Desmond was ready to settle down, and he joined Coq Au Vag, the hermaphrodite society, and soon shot up the ranks to become the President. His attempts at world domination were unfortunately cut short when he had a minor accident with a nuclear submarine and was rendered impotent. This in turn had the effect of turning Desmond into a gibbering mess, he retired from public life and took up snipping in his home town of Brixton.

Recently Desmond has enjoyed a return to the public eye as Grime MC "Skeng Mekkle" where he has made his name "clashing" with other underground rap artists such as Rod Hull, Da Pope, and Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. In Octember 2006 he became a member of "Roll Deep Crew".

He died in 2040 after falling off his yacht.

[edit] Quotes

It's like a great many things, unknown - about his early work in light entertainment.
My church is not a tax dodge - after being questioned about the failing health of his pet beagle.
The goat signed a contract, whatever it caught from the affair is its own problem - during an interview with Benny Hill.
God is much like a cake, rampantly sexual - unknown.

[edit] Action Figures

In late 1983 Desmond authorised the creation of superhero action figures in his likeness. The series has become a wildly popular amongst children worldwide, and every year more figures are added to the ever-growing collection, the most popular and sort after figures include:

Buddy Desmond - originally cast in 1986 this classic has inspired children for generations.
Malibu Desmond - launched in 1994 in a joint marketing campaign with Desmond's new line of pre-mixed cocktails.
Big Game Desmond - as part of the WWFs 1988 Year of The Poacher, this action figure demonstrated to children worldwide the plight of endangered African poachers.
UltraDesmond - with laser eyes, was withdrawn in 2000 over safety fears.
UltraDesmond II - without laser eyes, was withdrawn in 2001 over safety fears surrounding toxic waste.
DJ Desmond - during his work on the early 90s dance scene this acid induced figure was launched to celebrate something.
Pink Desmond - getting in touch with his feminine side for a new generation in 2004.

[edit] Religion

Desmond has been involved in several churches, mainly for the tax benefits. He's also started several new and exciting religions including:

Church of the Latter Day Funk - specialises in the worship of God 2 with scones.
The Power of Profit Ministries - closed in mysterious circumstances in 1988, shortly before a government investigation into its activities.
Desmond Tutu SuperGod - outlandish 70s disco superchurch, based mostly on the teachings of Abba, had great market penetration with several albums (see Discography).

[edit] Mr Wiggles

As a lonely child Desmond invented Mr Wiggles, many traditional religious texts deny the existence of this character, however during Desmond's 1960s experiments with mind-altering substances he persuaded himself to include Mr Wiggles in all his material. Many devout followers of Desmond now strongly believe in the existence of this superbeing, and regularly burn things in his honour.

This angers Mr Wiggles.

[edit] Discography

Desmond Tutu demonstrating his hands are larger than his head.

FUNK FUNK FUNK! (The Guide To Funk) - Released in 1883, failed to chart as it was released in a format that wasn't invented for another 100 years.
Dessy Tutu & His House Band Sing The Blues - First major breakthrough album for Desmond, however constant arguing meant the House Band soon went their own way.
Yo Bitchin! - little known album that has been re-released a number of times, still fails to excite the record buying public on the basis "we've heard it all before".
Taste My Panties, Taste My Cheese - a radical departure for Desmond in Christmas 1988, this album included the unique mixture of fantastic progressive rock soundscapes and pan-pipes.
Welsh Choirboys: The Funk Years - Desmond tries to breath life into a dying genre, had limited success in some territories.
Duets with Lesser Stars - released at the end of his SuperGod phase this album shows the death of genius and the return to mediocrity.
The Walrus Will Return - concept album based on Ikea.
I Split A Hamster On My Way To Work - attempting a pure shock-driven approach in 1983, this was aimed at the punk generation.
Yo, Yo, Yo (I Learnt A New Word) - sadly the name of this album doesn't live up to the contents.
It Only Hurts When I Laugh - a deep and dark passage into Desmond's unfortunate afflictions set to a cheeky Latin beat.
Dessy Tutu: The Christmas Years - released in June 2002 this masterpiece of Christmas never really worked.
Dessy Tutu & His House Band: This Whore’s Mine - the first work to be released after the reunion with the House Band, this album shows an edgier side to Desmond's work.
Dessy Tutu & Dessy Tutu: The Classic Duets - shameless self promoting twaddle.
Tutu To You Too - a classic collection of Desmond's greatest hits, charted in only 3 territories.
Tutu To You Too Two - second edition of Desmond's greatest hits, had modest success in Eastern Europe.
Two Tutu's To You From Me To You Too Two - hit collection of greatest hits after pairing up with his brother.
Scheme 3 From Somewhere else - all conquering superalbum of 1978, now widely considered to be a repackaged version of Waterloo.

[edit] Filmography

Dessy Does Dallas - Desmond showing an ample talent for the camera in his early travel reporter days (1986 -Betamax).
Dessy Does Whipsnade - unusually sensitive bestiality romp (1999 - Deleted).
Dessy Does Donkeys (Blackpool Special Edition) - wildly successful big screen spin-off from Seaside Special (1990 - VHS).
Dessy Does Dresdy - autobiography made mostly of clips from WW2 bombing runs over Germany (1987 - Super8).
Dessy Goes It Alone - a troubled view of a many trying to come to terms with his imaginary friend set against the turmoil in his theme park based church (1986 - VHS).
The Unstoppable Dessy Machine - highlights from his 1999 world tour, most footage from the Eastbourne concerts (1983 - VHS - French).
Star Wars, Episode I : The Phantom Menace - guest stars as himself, scene was eventually deleted (1976 - Deleted).
Salvador Dali: My Life As A Pimp - manic comedy adventure about a space pilot named Jack, ideal for children under 6 months (1882 - Flick Book).
Yentl (stunt double) - uncredited performance at the request of his daughter.
Happy Hanukkah: Stiff In The Sack - uncredited performance in this seasonal tale of bad porn films (2012 - DVD).