Detroit, Michigan
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“h Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Detroit
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
~ Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi on Detroit
“God is dead.”
~ Nietzsche on Detroit
Detroit is a major metropolitan city and the Motown county seat. The city’s population is slightly less than one million according to the latest census. The city boasts the largest feral wolverine population in the world.
Detroit is the safest city in the world, everyone lives in harmony, the gate to hell has been sealed off (it used to be a homeless shelter). 100% of the population of Detroit doesn't carry guns/drugs. Everything has gotten better since the world renowned peodophile, Ronald McDonald.
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[edit] History
Detroit was founded in 1815 by the explorer Antoine Seville Catera Cadillac, who named the area the Magnetogorsk Autonomous Oblast after his grandmother. Originally an outpost for trading iguana pelts, the city expanded quickly with the discovery of massive rock sugar mines underneath the city. The resulting explosion of obesity created a need for personal transport, hastening the invention of the automobile by the famous crossdresser Karl “Mercedes” Benz in 1885. The original vehicle was stolen by Chief Pontiac Sunfire, who used the technology to briefly conquer Newfoundland.
[edit] The National Coney Island Era (666 BC to Present)
Due to the decline of the automotive industry, the economy has shifted to solely relying on revenue from the Coney Island Industry. One trillion coney dogs are produced and consumed solely in the city of Madison Heights. Michigan is slowly sinking below sea level on a daily basis due to the day to day weight gain of local citizens and their consumption of National Coney Island food. Most of the Coney Islands are run by Albanians. Another common Coney worker is the broke-ass college student or the Addict.
[edit] Detroit Finds its Way (1920-1970)
The Ford legacy of peace and tolerance set the stage for the emergence of modern Detroit, an oasis of stability and cooperation amid an America torn by racial unrest. The "Summer of Love" (1967) marked a high point in racial relations, when leaders of both black and white communities hosted outdoor festivals to commemorate the highly successful urban renewal programs which had transformed the city into a sleek, modern metropolis (the "Devil's night" festival continues to this day, celebrated every Halloween). An avante-garde sculpture of red tubing was installed on Washington Boulevard, regarded today by architecture historians as the true beginning of postmodern architecture in America.
Present during the Summer of Love was one young Coleman R. Young, soon to be Nigga of Detroit. A yoga aficionado who at one point campaiged for South-African gold Krugerrands to be used as Detroit's official currency, Young was an unlikely pick for Mayor. However, one famous speech by Young propelled him to political stardom, when he said "let all the white people who live beyond 8 Mile hear my words...brothers, return home where you belong. Let this road divide us no longer. Mr. Gorbachev, tearth down this road!". This speech is credited with a multi-year population influx which continues to affect Detroit demographics to this day. The largest group of these immigrants were from across the Windsor River in Sri Lanka, but a policy of quickly teaching them the English language to assist in their assimilation proved beneficial (a effort spearheaded by city council member David Duke). The City's swelling population strained city services, though seemingly incorruptible city officials managed to meet the growing demand quickly and efficiently.
[edit] Detroit Today
Affectionately known as Dicktroit by fellow Americans, Detroit is on the brink of a revolutionary transformation and is wholly owned by niggers, a term coined by Martin Luther King Jr. to describe those with a "terrible disfigurement". Fully 7/6ths of the City is being torn down to make room for a Detroit Disney theme park. The park is expected to draw crowds from all over Downtown Detroit, and will be run chiefly by mischievous beavers. Disney owner Roy Eisner said that the new Disney park will be a significant drop in the pot for his already ridiculously large fortune. The new park will stress personal hygiene, abstinence and the many uses of the common crowbar. Eisner, the son of Disney, has requested to be buried in a cryogenic mausoleum in the basement of local farmer Fred Mills.
Every 10 years a Reality_TV_Show is held to determine who will become mayor of the city. The current two time champion of this competition is Colonel "Timothy" Sanders. He is sometimes known as the "Vengeful" mayor because of his amazing chicken-like thighs and fried chicken thighs. The plucky southern mayor, who endured countless "Colonel Sanders Need not Apply" signs as a young law clerk in the 1920's, has succeeded where other mayors left off. His smell-based handling of city finances has balanced the city's budget while neighboring Oakland County perpetually sniffs cocaine in satisfaction. The mayor recently requested that his wife take buses provided by the Detroit Department of Transportation rather than use a city-provided luxury SUV because she hurt his feelings with a steak knife.
[edit] Economy
Today, Detroit can also boast of 100% employment, having recently thrown off its "Rust Belt" mantle, and acquiring the moniker "The Dust Belt" - a reference to the city's thriving cocaine industry. Fully 73% of the citizens and 98% of the politicians are presently employed in such productive activities as cocaine processing, cocaine dealing, money collection, drug-related homicide, and robbery. The remainder of the populace finds gainful employment in such fields as pimping, thugging, prostitution, and fashion design. There has also been a huge increase in money flow through the city from the homeless. The homeless population of Detroit swindled over 2.7 million dollars from the suburbs after the recent success of local sports teams drove thousands more to downtown. However, there was a disturbing trend, as sales of 40 oz. beer and mouthwash increased among the homeless by 355%.
Currently, the city boasts a yogurt-fueled major league baseball team, a minor league football team, a ******** (mainly African-American) basketball team and a highly successful ice dancing troupe known as the Red Wings. Local politics are dominated by the local union bosses (the Independent and Fraternal Order of Auto Part Makers), and the activities of two rival gangs (the Beavers and the Yodelling Freaks) have earned Detroit the title of the yogurt capital of Central Michigan.
In Britain, the existence of the British Isle of Detroit is a source of some confusion for tourists, who come to Detroit expecting to see wild leprechauns and are instead shot and run over by obese motorists. A simple test to ascertain which location you are in is to ask oneself, "Do they drive on the left side of the road here?" If the answer is "yes," you are in the British Isles. If you have been "shot" before you can ask the question, you are in Detroit.
As of 2007, Detroit still holds the #1 ranking for the best public school district in the country with a 99% graduation rate and over 200 schools with frequently updated equipment and highly skilled teachers.
[edit] Detroit Landmarks & Tourist Attractions
- Abandoned building on Woodward
- Abandoned building on 8 Mile
- Windsor
- Abandoned building on Jefferson
- Abandoned building on Livernois
- Manoogian (Mayor's) Mansion (pictured at right)
- Abandoned building on Gratiot
- Another abandoned building on Woodward
- Abandoned building on John R
- Real big abandoned building on Conner
- Abandoned building on W. Grand Blvd.
- Abandoned building on Vernor
- Jesus H. Christ, another abandoned building on Woodward
- Abandoned, stripped lime green '79 Cadillac DeVille on the right hand shoulder of the Jeffries Freeway
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turle's Hideout
- Cheetah's Topless Lounge
- Broken down car right next to a burned-down Wendy's on Springwells
- Abandoned Art Deco skyscraper on East Congress
- Crackhouse on Heidelberg
- Homeless man in Joe Louis Arena parking garage
- Homeless man on the offramp from the Southfield Freeway Northbound onto Eastbound 8-Mile. There every day from 8am-4pm. If you're lucky he sells M&Ms.
- Calvary Baptist Church (the church with guns)
- Toothless hoes - mmm mmm good
- Okay, stop it with the abandoned building $hi! on Woodward.
- Abandoned Dumping Problem toilet factory
- Abandoned building on Lafayette
- Devils Night Festival (Bring your own Gas)
- Dead body on ________ (rotates as cops find them)
- DelRay neighborhood in SW Detroit (soon to be bulldozed for another border crossing)
- Faygo factory (Jugheads nearby - see Insane Clown Posse)
- Fermi 1 "We almost lost Detroit" nuclear site and theme park
- "Spirit of St. Louis" statue
- The Detroit Zoo (The poorest zoo. Where else would you find it?)
- Zed Xackthany's Can Can theatre
- The WDIV Channel 4 Crime Wheel. They spin the Wheel-of-Fortune-type wheel and go after the scuzzball of the day. Could be a purse snatcher, could be a pan handler, could be an ax murderer, could be a Detroit city official.
- Safe park with view of Detroit skyline (Windsor, Canada)
- The Isle au Cohons (roughly translated from French "Island of Pigs")
- South Eastern Slum Amelioration and Migration Initiative (SESAMI), or Sesame Street
- The Meslerville strip club
- White hoes on Chene - $2 specials!
- St. Clair Shores
- Lahser
- The Pontiac Silverdome
- Palace Of Auburn Hills (Auburn Hills,MI)- Home of the Detroit Pistols
- Comerica Park
- The Black Fist of Hey-Zeus
- The Renniassance Center-AKA: General Motors Headqaurters
- Saint Andrews Hall
- Hotel Yorba
- Mexicantown
- Abandoned Michigan Central Station
- Big-ass tire
- Northwest Airlines Airport Terminal (Sorry, only ticketed passengers are allowed to visit!)
- Crack Addict's Box Houses
- Graffiti, everywhere
- The degrading aspects of a post-industrial super power that has no industry
- Homes and businesses owned by Arab-Muslim immigrants (legal or illegal)
- Satan's Happy House of Horrors
- The "Eat em' up tigers" guy outsied of Comerica Park
[edit] Banned from the Internet
 I was blocked from Uncyclopedia, and all I got was this lousy template!Detroit, Michigan has been blocked from Uncyclopedia for misconduct. May its sad fate serve as a warning to others.
Make Uncyclopedia better, not worse. Stop the cycle of violins. |
Anyone living in Detroit is Banned from the Internet. A holy man in Windsor banned detroit cause someone stole his bike. However, if you live in a Detroit Metropolitan area, such as Sterling Heights, Royal Oak, Oak Park, Birmingham, Farmington hills, Southfield, Keego Harbor, Bloomfield Hills, West Bloomfield, and such, then you are fine. You can use the Internet, unless you broke the rules.
[edit] Facts and Figures
Key Facts:
- County: Wayne
- Population (2012): 28
- Government: 23-Member City Council, (57 if including subcontracted relatives), 3 Co-Mayors (Kwame and his Mommy and Alonzo "Lonnie Baby" Bates)
- Slogan is " come here for a prosperous and unstressful life"
Fun Facts:
- The city boasts the largest feral wolverine population in the world.
- Voted Safest City in the World a Record 45 Times
- Faygo Red Pop is actually diluted blood
- "313" is the Detroit Police radio code for "male flasher - in progress"
- Detroit's infamous Motown record label company was originally named Mootown to attract the hip teenage generation with its outrageously funny name, yet it was sued by Fort Worth for being too close to its nickname, Cowtown. The U.S. Supreme Court had quite a few good laughs during this lawsuit, officially titled Shitty Town in the South v. Shitty Town in the Midwest. After careful deliberation, the judge decided that Detroit is the shittier of the two, so he ruled in Fort Worthless' favor
- In honor of the hit T.V. show "The Jeffersons", Buchanan Avenue was renamed Jefferson Avenue.
- Dr. Klahn sent his prisoners to Detroit as punishment, until Bruce Lee destroyed Dr. Klahn.
- The ever popular reality show Survivor had a 200% viewer increase after the first episode of its newest season, Survivor: Detroit, when half of the new tribe members were killed, in various unpleasant ways.
- Mexicantown is the only place where you can find Mexicans (illegals) in Detroit. The majority of immigrants of Detroit are ARABS!
- Known for the most prolific female romanic cheaters; which include the infamous gang the Mesler Sisters from the white suburb of Livonia.
- True face of Detroit was shown in Scary Movie 4, surprisingly the tripods didn't make Detroit better
- Shia LaBeouf visited Detroit and used up all the abandoned cars, and buildings in the city as props for filming The Transformers. While there, he was almost mugged and raped by local gangs.
- Awarded for the city made fun of the most times
- Known for bus drivers that don't stop and beat your face 'till Tuesday.
- Detroit was once nicknamed the "Rape City". Not only will you be physically raped, your wallet will get raped by crackheads on every corner asking you for money.
[edit] Suburbs of Detroit
- Main article: Suburbs of Detroit
- Adrian: Wal-mart rules this small city, so you must talk to the hooded Wal-mart lords before you can shop at an actual, semi-decent store. Beware, the mall is really a large box where emo children hang out at Hot Topic.
- Allen Park: Little known fact is that the city was named by dyslexic rednecks; the second "L" in the name is actually a capital "i", and the "Park" was intended to read "Crap," thus the city was meant to be called "Alien Crap". Osama bin Laden might be hiding there.
- Ann Arbor: one of the most liberal places on earth, White dreadlock capital of the Midwest. Known best for its hippies and public radio.
- Auburn Hills: The safe place where the Detroit Pistons players, the high-profile musicians and the Hollywood celebrities would not be mugged or killed. Unlike the United Center located in city of Chicago or the Staples Center located in the city of LA, the The Palace of Auburn Hills is located outside of the mean streets of Detroit.
- Birmingham: the founders of lemonparty.org
- Bloomfield Hills: The rich white part of Detroit, where an 11-year-old can buy a Mexican to mow the lawn of his private mansion for under $3 an hour.
- Brighton: Considered better than Howell simply because the rednecks that live there have more to hide their racism.
- Canton: Really a suburb of Ikea.
- Chelsea:Jeff Daniels, clock tower, it's all good. Also contains a boot camp and the Jiffy factory.
- Clarkston: The crossroads between the suburbs, the city, and the rural areas. Clarkston has managed to combine the cultures of Northern rednecks, ghetto dwellers, laughably rich and coked-up families, and Deadheads into what the United States Congress has described as "The most depressing clusterfuck of human imperfection since Good Burger.". Famous for the fact that marijuana fumes are so dense in the local atmosphere that you can blaze up by simply walking down Main Street.
- Clinton: Biggest Red Neck population with a crappy theater where all the emos hang out.
- Dafter: Second most influential city in Michigan. Home to some 550,000 people, the metropolis has one of the highest rates of gang violence in the United States, and is where the controversial film "10 Mile" is based on. Despite this, the city is growing quite rapidly since it was realized that the stretch of I-75 that runs through the city does not have any traffic or cops, making it the only place in the U.S. where one can drive at 150 mph without fear of jail time or injury. Unfortunately, Dafter resides in the U.P. so it is nearly impossible to find on a map.
- Dearborn: Al-Qaeda's North American capital city, also affectionately known as Boaterville. A day in Dearborn begins with heartfelt prayers to Allah, as well as to Osama bin Laden, who is revered by residents as their unquestioned leader. After prayers, it's on to IED bomb making at home with the kids. The rest of the day is usually filled with mass demonstrations against democracy. Nighttime finds families sitting around the TV together, watching that evening's beheadings of infidels. Dearborn holds the distinction of being the only place in the country where Detroiters are afraid to be. As everyone knows, even blacks with guns are no match for Arabs with bombs. Anyone happening to find themselves in Dearborn is recommended to use extreme caution and seek the help of your nearest FBI or Homeland Security agent, of whom there are always a steady stream.
- Delray: think... bombed out Normandy!
- Dexter: There is nothing important or interesting there.
- Farmington Hills:
- Ferndale: An 8 Mile border town. Black and white clown makeup is required in all instances. Also yelling "Juggalo Soulja!" is helpful as a greeting to locals.
- Garden City: Home of Michigan's firsts, the first Taco Bell, car dealer (the biggest in the state), pizza parlor, etc.
- Grosse Ile: An island that the rich kids of Grosse Pointe founded, they actually built it out of the radioactive waste from the steel mills of Trenton and River Rouge. The island, shortly after being built and being deemed "a wonderful place to live" by the rich of Grosse Pointe was shortly over ran by a swarm of rednecks swimming across the river from Wyandotte, Trenton, Gibraltar, River Rouge, Riverview and the other redneck downriver cities. The people of Grosse Ile forgot to bring their magical redneck/nigger force field that they have in Grosse Pointe which miraciously kept all the rift out of Grosse Pointe, despite neighboring the poorest city on the planet, Detroit. The people of Grosse Ile decided to build an airport so only the rich could fly to the island with their Lear Jets in winter time when the yachts cannot get down the river, however, the people of wayne county built a free bridge to get to the island, and it only went down hill from there. The residents of Grosse Ile responded by building a Troll bridge that is ran by Trolls and has a toll to cross of around a 1.50. This confused the people of wyandotte and the rednecks could no longer figure out how to get to the island, however the free bridge is still open. In the 1990s, the residents of Grosse Ile hijacked a freighter with an Arab from dearborn and attempted to slam it into the free-bridge, crippling the ability for anymore rednecks to get to the island. However the trolls also charge to get off the island, leaving the rift raft no other way off the island as the 1.50 toll would lead to a foreclosure of their overpriced Grosse Ile cardboard box.
- Grosse Pointe: This is where rich kids go to drink Pabst. John Cusack drove through at some pointe.
- Hamtramck: It is Michigan's Lesotho. It is surrounded by Detroit. So as Highland Park.
- Hazel Park: Often referred to as "Hazeltucky", this is a true tourist destination if you like factories and rednecks. Minorities and people with a full head of teeth are highly discouraged.
- Hell: One of the most toured cities in Michigan, despite its size of less than 1,000 people. Its mayor is Satan's brother, Dick De Vos. Hell, Michigan is where Sora conquered Kingdom Hearts.
- Howell: Home of the KKK and Hunting. There are only 2 black people in the whole city. Others are either white trash, posers, or whacked-out religious fundamentalists who continue to deny the existence of "Science." If you really love rednecks, racists, and all things white trash, and really hate teachers, education, bookstores, and people who "think" then Howell is the perfect town for you.
- Lewiston: home of Garland, a AAA, 4 diamond resort (golf course really)... that is actually bigger than the town itself. Its owner knows where Jimmy Hoffa's body is buried.
- Lincoln Park: Suburb of Mexicantown. Birthplace of the band MC5. So kick out the jams, you f**kers.
- Livonia: The whitest city in North America. Best known for its title as the city with the highest percentage of "legally insane" citizens (also referred to as System of a Down fans) in Michigan. Full of Rednecks, Scotsmen, and hybrids of the two.
- Macomb: Not exactly a 'city' per se, however, it is the largest population growth of Michigan since 1997. This is where the wealthy newcomers of Detroit come to reside. Along with a shitload of subdivisions and no sidewalks, (who needs sidewalks, rich people don't walk), although with the population of 8.7 million people with over 1.2 million coming in each year, the crime is surprisingly low. Most of the crime comes from the Trailer Park, where the rich kids buy drugs or pretend that they are in the ghetto without facing the mean streets of Detroit.
- Madison Heights: One trillion coney dogs are produced and consumed solely in this city. This city is the main reason why Michigan has been falling below sea level in recent years.
- Melvindale: Affectionately nickmaned Smellvindale, the town boasts part of a Marathon Oil refinery, cars that attract dust from nearby factories, and the former Laimbeer Packaging Company, closed after its owner threw one too many elbows at a staff meeting and injured its last remaining employees.
- Monroe: This town was established in order to honor Marilyn Monroe.
- Novi: Named after No.VI (the 6th stop) on the mail route way back when and is now home of too much shopping and rich bitches. It is also known as Hovi. Home to some of the biggest sluts and skanks in Michigan. Novi is the skank and slut capital of Michigan.
- Oak Park: A 'family city'...so take that bullshit back across 8-Mile. We don't need to hear your car stereo in the basement. The other Oak Park is in the Chicago, Illinois but the one in Illinois is more prosperous.
- Pontiac: Known for recently passing a proposal which fully renews all funds towards teaching dem kids how to be a gangsta, yo! Soon to be patrolled by the Guardian Angels, as the ones in Anaheim were busy.
- River Rouge: The Zug Island is intended to be the "Alcatraz Island" of Michigan, with a biggest global prison surrounded by coal, rusty steel mills, 765,000-volt power lines, and toxic shit flowing from the Rouge and Detroit rivers. That is where the world's evil leaders whether male or a female, young or old will be imprisoned for life and inmates will work digging coal and eating them and drinking contaminated water from the Detroit River as punishment. Ecorse, Detroit and Windsor, Canada are at watch for escapees. Paparazzi are not allowed to take pictures in this small city except Robocop.
- Rochester: Home of stuck up coffee addicted, pot smoking, whiny little brats.
- Rochester Hills: Not much of a difference from Rochester Just more stuck up coffee addicted, pot smoking, whiny little rich brats that are whores with speed limits above 25 mph.
- Romulus: The DTW airport is the #1 safest place in Michigan and millions of foreigners who rides Northwest Airlines invades this part of this Michigan village (and others avoid Detroit).
- Saint Clair Shores: The land where people who "live in Detroit" are really from. It's also the home of "8 1/2 Mile." These people are really pushing for it. This population is basically taking over the baby boomer population, this can be observed due to people ignoring the rather low speed limits of 35 MPH on the major roads.
- Sterling Heights: Nice city that is mostly white with the occasional nigger strolling through. Don't know why but there's been a lot lately. Many a-rabs who smell like burnt dick. There's a very nice trailer park over by Van Dyke and 19 mile. Where's a nuke when you need one. White kids here think they're niggers.
- Southfield: See Little Detroit
- Southgate: A 6.9 sq. mi. city that's home to some 8,000 restaurants and the corner of Dix and Eureka, where no one has shopped for a decade. Also home to one of the most perverted intersections in the Central Hemisphere, Dix and Brest.
- South Lyon: A very shitty town
- Taylor: no shirt no shoes no problem. American Idol singer Taylor Hicks unknowingly referred to this city twice (Taylor and Hicks) every time his name was announced. Recently-passed ordinance allows dating outside one's family.
- Tecumseh: 99.9% White, and eating.
- Trenton: Full of elderly that can't drive. Human taxidermy is popular here, whatever that means.
- Troy: (a.k.a. MBPW, Most Boring Place in the World) Famous for many things, the most prominent is the only known sighting of the Jabberwocky, submitted by Madonna.
- Warren: Also known as "Fortress Warren" due to the heavily armed population of Polaks, Dagos and Ukies. The city is known primarily as a town where working class kids grow up, getting into arguments with their Polak, Dago or Ukie parents.
- Wayne: The county seat of Wayne County, and proud home of the Wayne State University Tartars.
- West Bloomfield: A.K.A. West Jewfield. Home to lots of doctors, lawyers, synagogues and delis. And not much else.
- White Lake: Home to the largest redneck population known to man. It possesses two very important kids named Dakota and Caitlyn who hold the key to the future which lies in the palm of their hands.
- Wyandotte: Lucille Ball used to live here before she rose to fame to I Love Lucy. Many obsessed Lucy fans live here and keep watching her in reruns.
- Ypsilanti: Yet another city that no one knows how to pronounce. Home of the world's largest Penis. (pictured right)
[edit] Ontario, Canada
- Windsor, Canada and Essex County is also part of the Detroit Metropolitan area if you don't know.
- Windsor: The safe place to view Detroit, so have your passports ready. Effective October 2007: USD $1 is to CAD $1 Canadian dollars! No changes to your American money if you're going to Canada.
[edit] See also
 Vanity for rewrite |
