Detroit Lions
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The Detroit Lions is a football team in the National Football League. Or so they claim.
“There are only three things guaranteed in life. Death, taxes, and The Detroit Lions losing.”
~ Martin Lawrence on the Detroit Lions
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[edit] The Detroit Lions
William Clay Ford Senior, who was banned from running Ford Motor Compay because he was too stupid, is the owner of the team. His family on a snowy Christmas day gave him a football team, which has become possibly the saddest franchise in all of sports. The Lions are one of the historically bad football teams in the NFL. Though there are some pretty bad teams out there, like the Los Angeles Clippers, the Minnesota Wild (what the hell kind of name is that anyway?), the Royals, and any team in the MLS, but NOBODY matches the Lions in sucking. This is all the fault of someone whose name, as best we can work out, is Fire Millen. He seems to be a local hero because they chant his name with sheer reverence and fans come dressed in orange and black stripes, Millen's favorite colors.
If it wasn't for the fact that other NFL teams wanted a easy win, the Detroit Lions would have folded.
[edit] Not So Fearless Leader
Fire Millen, the president and CEO of the Lions, is one of the more popular figures in Detroit, just after Kwame's Navigator and Jennifer Granholm's mole. After going 24-70 over six seasons (see Reign of Terror) the ever omnipotent and wise William Clay Ford decided to give him a 5 year contract extension. Such shrewd managing is probably why Ford is getting owned by any one of those Mitsuzaka or Sakatoshi or whatever company is outselling Ford this week. Sadly, a cloud of controversey has descended on Millen. On 11-17-06, the State of Michigan sued Millen for discriminating against people whose last name doesn't start with an 'M'. They cite that every coach (Martz, Morhinwheg, Mariucci, Marinelli) has an M name and that he isn't giving people with other names a chance.
[edit] In the Beginning...
On the eighth day, God created football. He created a team of tough men, led by a great quarterback and legendary coach to win the Super Bowl and get Sports Illustrated special editions written about them every other year. This team was the Bears. He then made another team, a cupcake team for everybody to run up stats against so fantasy football leagues could be a little more interesting. This team was the Lions. To this day, each team has done its best to fulfill its God-given role.
[edit] Players on the Team
Not for long.
[edit] Memerorable Players
- Barry "Speed of light" Sanders
Joey "I-suck-so-bad" Harrington(K.I.A.)- North Moore (waterboy)
- Why Do I-Suck-So-Bad III
- Scott Mason
- Sean McDaniel
- Mike McClary
- Jesus
- Chuck Norris
- Mike "I ate the offensive line" Williams
- Shawn "Shit, I finished off the defensive line" Rogers
- Jason Hanson (the only good player still on the team)
- Benjamin Dover
- Herman "Hands of glue" Moore
- Ghandi
[edit] The inaugural season
Originally, Detroit's team was known as the Tampa Bay Nazis. No one knows why. So they changed their name after one season to "Portsmouth Spartans." When they still were no good they changed it again to "Troited Loins" Eventually, somebody noticed that could be rearranged to spell "Detroit Lions". Their original helmet was completely silver with a shiny gray facemask. This was found to be too fancy and they scaled back to just a facemask and no helmet. Eventually, the number of deaths forced them to wear helmets again. They also thought they should have a logo on it, but no one knew what it should be. After several years, it was suggested that they have a lion. The idea was rejected out of hand, and to this day they wear the alternate design known as a Rorschach inkblot.
[edit] 1927 to 2005
In this time the Lions had a of record 2-934-1. The Lions were formerly located in the Hemorrhoid of Ohio where they were originally called the Portsmouth Spartans.
[edit] The 2006 season
The Lions began the season with optimism. Guess how long that lasted. Correct.
[edit] The 2007 Season
In 2007, the Lions started with a 6-2 record. There is still no reason as to why this happened but it is suspected that the New England Patriots installed cameras for the organization. Their coach, Rod Dickstein, and coordinator, Jo "I LUV ME SOME NAKED WENDY'S" Barry, were declared Gods and all other religions were forbidden in the Detroit area.
This success was short lived, as team's stopped drinking the Gatorade supplied in the locker rooms. After multiple test, it was shown that the Gatorade was spiked with hairspray and diesel fuel. This is the most logical source for the 6-2 beginning.
The Lions would lose six straight games after that. There is a current auction for the team with the opening bid at $1. There are currently zero bids.
[edit] Controversy
None. Everyone agrees they suck.
[edit] Trivia
- The Lions are the only team in NFL history to score a double bogey in a game of football.
- The Lions were involved in the rarest of occasions--finishing with negative points in a game versus the Chicago Bears in 1985 (final score, 105 to negative pi (-3.14159)). This is what happens when you mess with Ditka.
- The Lions were the best 3-13 team ever in the history of the NFL in 2006.
- It is a scientific fact that the Lions only ever play well enough to get their fans' hopes up. Once this happens, the continue their tradition of suckiness.
- They like big butts and they cannot lie. In a press release from the team, other brothers could not deny the aforementioned statement.
- The Detroit Lions were voted the lamest sports franchise of the 21st century by Time. They were runner-up for lamest fans, number 1 going to the the New York Mets Fans. Yeah. They suck.
- Roughly 20 virgins are sacrificed, prior to every game. This has been a ritual since 2111, in hopes of actually winning.
- You can spot Jon Kitna quite frequently at the corner of 7 Mile Road and Woodward, working as a prostitute.
[edit] See Also
