Devil
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Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!
(Oh, were you looking for George W. Bush?)
“NOW YOU KNOW THE DEVILS GOT YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUR NUMBER..”
~ scary narrator guy on the devil
“Better to be on the right hand of the devil than in his path”
~ Jeremy Beadle on the Devil
“I thought he was cute at the beginning, but I had to do all the work in the sack”
~ Ann Coulter on the the Devil
“I love this guy!”
~ Officer Dave on the the Devil
“Helping microsoft windows vista to a shittier day”
~ The good guy that's full of goodiness
[edit] In Breaking News...
Recently, Vatican scientists have discovered that the lovechild of TreИt RezИor and George W Bush is NOT the biggest threat to Humanity with the discovery of the Neda Ardehali. When put in comparison, Neda Ardehali is at least 6 inches taller, has a flying motorcycle, and carries with him/her a jar of marmalade which is believed to force one to commit adultery. Also, there is Hello Kitty who at daytime is a child's rolemodel, but at night is a serial killer related to satan. Although now partly irrelevent, I encourage you to read the articles below, as they are historically true...I think.
Devil is a general purpose evil-doer. He was created by God in 1977 as an alternative to Queen frontman Freddie Mercury. He currently lives in the "It's a Small World" ride in Disneyland, but has a summer residence down in Devil Gate Drive. His human form has been recently proved to be Vanion Paradis, a Canadian boy born May 24th 1992.
[edit] Early Exploits
After World War II, moral values had been rising fast. This fact was helped by the death of Hitler and continued despite the fact that Europe was allowed to remain free. Heaven, Inc's (HEVN) stock shot up without any intention of going down, while consequently Hell Co. (HELL) suffered just the opposite. Hell's stockholders were getting angry, and CEO of Hell Satan needed to do something fast.
Indeed, the devil (also known as Chrille) was in a bind and way behind. He announced that he would be taking a vacation to Hell. While he did go there, his true intention was not relaxation but to steal souls. Given the state of his company he was willing to make a deal. He walked along the country roads and found a possible client, who, due to lack of proper records (Charlie Daniels has the most complete account thus far, and there were very few witnesses) is only known as "Johnny." Some theorize the titular Johnny was, in fact, Jonhnny Cash, while others maintain it was Johnny Appleseed, author of the Book of John. What we are told is that Johnny, possibly in a fit of frustration at his fiddle, had been "sawin' on" it and "playin' it hot." The latter is understood to be old slang for "setting something ablaze." The devil, eager to engage the dashing young stranger in conversation, stopped the wanton destruction and instead offered a more constructive alternative.
He suggested that Johnny join him in a friendly fiddle playing competition. It was not well known at the time that the devil played the fiddle, but in truth he was an avid fan of stringed instruments. To coax the reluctant Johnny, he offered a fiddle made of gold. However, being the business like demon he was, he strung the whole deal into a bet in which if he (the devil) won, he would get Johnny's soul. Johnny, being a man of danger, heartily agreed.
The contest took place in Taiwan. Scholars argue that the contest actually took place in Japan, because Charlie Daniel's account clearly mentions that "The devil's in the house of the rising sun." Japan is the land of the rising sun. But either way, Johnny won the fiddle made of gold. The devil left after having his mother cruelly insulted.
Along the way he hooked up with a slutty chick named Raven Darkholme. She eventually had his kid, Nightcrawler, the coolest most badass superhero ever. Unfortunately they don't talk much. Kids....
Many suggest that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist. Which, due to the fact that people do believe in him, is bollocks. His greatest trick is his ability at counter strike, where he pwns n00bs.
[edit] The Devil's Music
The contest with Johnny Darce proved to be a valuable experience. The Devil returned to Hell in the 1950s and launched a huge marketing campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll." The original idea was to have the campaign called "Sex, Drugs, and Sex", emphasizing fornication among the other sins. However, propaganda mechanic Adolf Hitler advised otherwise. And with his experience of using infectious jazz rhythms to gain power in United States and almost take over Europe, who could argue? Thus, the term "Rock and Roll" was coined, inspired by the two drugs that led most often to fornication, crack cocaine and ecstacy.
The basic idea was to invent a new form of music using guitars, drums, keyboards, and suggestive hip motions. Johnny Kok invented the guitar, but everyone at the time (the 1950's), knew that asian people could only make PSP, a stereotype that wasn't yet ready to be destroyed. So the devil(Johnny Darce) went in search of a poster boy for his fornication machine. A cross country tour proved fruitless except for Albus Dumbledore's brother Elvis, who was in Tennessee at the time. Extensive makeover surgery, hair grease, and guitar training, however, made him well equipped to battle all that was moral. The Devil favorite prayer. "Its a man's obligation to stick his boneration into a woman separation this sort of penetration will increase the population of a future generation".
[edit] Opposition to the new music
Christian groups at the time denounced rock as "The Devil's music", which wasn't altogether inaccurate. The Devil was not known for subtle advertising.
[edit] Death... and Rebirth
The Devil was occasionally rabid in his pursuit of souls, and this eventually led to his first downfall. In 1999, he pursued a Time Traveller, fleeing what he thought was the Y2K bug, and managed to get into his Time Machine just before it left. In the struggle with the frightened occupant, a Mr. T. Smith, the time machine crashed in ancient India (known then as Hindustan) in 1492, killing both occupants.
However, The Goddess of renewal decided to reincarnate the Devil in the hopes of his becoming a good person. However, it was not to ever be, and Devil soon became as a deranged cat torturing infant, and eventually a giant, psychotic man, who was now called Devil Rebirth.
Devil Rebirth murdered over 200 people, and finally got caught and locked up in a special, dark cell in Japan. For a few decades, he remained until freed by a con man who claimed that he was his older brother. The duo escaped, where they encountered a man with seven scars on his chest, forming a big dipper pattern.
The man, called Kenshiro, faced off against Devil Rebirth, killing him again.
After a while, he was resurrected by Satan, and once again, with his old life and memories, resumed his work.
[edit] People Sodomized by the Devil
- Americans
- The Arch Duke of Hell - Belial
- Hadolf Itler
- Adolf Hitler
- Propane
- George W. Bush
- George W. Bush (Enjoyed it so much, he came back for more.)
- The French
- Oscar Wilde
- Cessle
- Tom
- Mrs. Roundtree
- Dick
- Harry
- Robert Wilson
- Gollum's Precious
- Some Hobbits
- Some Dwarves
- A Few Elves
- One Balrog
- This one goat
- The famous partridge in a pear tree
- A Couple of Goats (though it could have been the work of a chupacabra)
- Dan Stantons Mom
- Kyle Gass
- The Beast - Satan's only son (Social Services had unaccountably overlooked this)
- Daniel Shore (But arguably, he IS the devil do conventional insults don't work...)
- All of the other Bush family members , the whole Kennedy family, and most of the Clinton family.
- Mrs. Robinson, of Simon and Garfunkels' ballad.
- Miss American Pie, along with Jack Flash via a candlestick.
- Your Mom (He had sex with her, too. That sick devil.)
[edit] People who have sodomized Satan
Although Satan likes sodomy, sometimes he finds himself in front! People he has been the butt end of include,
- Germaine Woodsworth
- Strom Thurmond
- Ross Perot
- Chuck Norris
- The midget secretly hung off a tree in Wizard of Oz
- The pillsbury dough boy
- The narcotics mascot, the "Pills buyer" dope man
- One member of Black Sabbath, although no one knows which
- The eight maids a milking
- David Bowie
- According to several eyewitnesses in the park of razors near Styx river, a tree that once acted in "Evil Dead"
- Owen Martin
- The old Guy in "Big Daddy"
- Jerry Springer
- Ben Russel (You know when you've been Tangoed)
[edit] Education
After completing evil high school, the devil went on to the Underworld Institute of Science and Technology (and Evil). He took several courses including human psychology, geology, biology, chemistry, and arts & crafts. He earned top marks in all his classes except the latter. His art instructor commented that his work was always uninspired and vulgar. "For example, his self portrait featured him sticking out his tongue and picking his nose. Despicable..." Although his short stint as an artist was a failure, he excelled in the other fields, which he later used to his advantage to annoy the hell (pun intended, however bad it may be) out of God. He used his skills in geology and biology, for instance, to fabricate those atrocious lies known as "fossils." He made them appear to be millions of years old to make believers lose their path. I mean come on, dinosaurs? The world is obviously six thousand years old, because the bible says it's true, and the bible says the bible is true, so done deal.
[edit] The Devil's only fears...
The devil, of course, is only an unstoppable force of evil, and thus, he has his fears. He is afraid of only five things: Cheese socks, due to their use by the pope, the dark,andCyborg Jesus,whom ,while Cyborg Jesus can easily kick the devil's ass,is only slightly stronger than the next fear Bruce Lee. The man, known as Bruce Almighty (aka The Head Huncho/Main Man/The Boss/The Big Cheese), has a reputation in the underworld for being The Unstoppable Force of Good which condradicts the unstoppable force of evil, causing a "Deity Condradictory Paradoxial Apocalypse" (DCPA). The Devil's fear of DCPA is so great that it condradicts the fearlessness of Bruce, which causes the confusion of creating a "Deity Fear Ratio Scale". This scale can only be viewed by two people, or deities, including The Unstoppable Force of Good and The Unstoppable Force of Evil. Since they can't view this scale at the same time due to DCPA, they must check this scale at differing intervals, and lastly the big man on top, God, who (to the devils much dislike) only needs to blink to vaporize all of everything that ever has, is, and will ever be in existance. He is also worried about someone tying/breaking all those world records he set.
[edit] Spawns of the Devil
The following have been known to be the Devil's spawn.
- Dan Brown
- Michael Moore
- Paris Hilton
- Charlie Brown
- Whoopi Goldberg
- Jason Voorhez
- Damien(AKA The Kid from The Omen)
- R.L. Stein
- Bill Clinton
- Ted Kennedy
- Marilyn Manson
- George Clooney
- Rosey O'Donald(AKA The Bitch of the West)
- Eric Cartmen(From South Park RETARD!!!)
- Hitler
- Ozzy Osbourne( Not all that shocking really!)
- Douchebags
- George W. Bush(Who likes guys)
- Sasquatch(the cross of the devil and a male monkey)
[edit] Employees
As head of the multidimensional charitable foundation Hell Co. the Devil has millions of employees in every country around the world. Mostly the Devil plays a nice round of golf with a dead stripper's breasts, leaving the day to day operations to his trusted henchmen. Hell Co.'s current board of directors includes:
- Spyro-His Helper for a few years, discuised as really actually helping him on faust until he decided he would stick with those dumb dragons
- Americans - Loyal disciples
- Ernest Borgnine - Head of Cyborgs
- Tom Petty - Crossburner
- Andre the Giant - Secretary General
- Al Gore - The Devil's Ambassador
- Dick Cheney - The Devil's Boy Toy
- Brian Blessed - Head of Long Range Communications
- Dennis Miller - Director of Turncoats
- Barney the Dinosaur - Head of General Sodomy and Pedophelia
- William Taft - Public Relations
- Sammy Davis Jr. - Minister of Jive Talk
- Robert Wilson - The Devil's lover
- Don Knotts - Janitor
- Harry Potter - Mascot(according to Texas)
- Miss America - Head of Zombie Arm
- Dan Brown - Minister of propaganda
- Jesus - Just stands there being pointed at
- Satan - Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hell (but spends most of his time in the prostitute department)
- Santa Claus - Owns 0.000005672492612911050145050130% of the company through shares (note that Santa is an anagram of Satan!)
[edit] Contact Information
Satan can be contacted by phoning 0800 666 666 in the UK, or 1800 666 666 in the USA for sales calls and business proposals. His personal phone number is 666. It is suggested that when calling you have a freshly slain black goat and your credit information on hand. To meet him personally just attend any band camp anywhere, despite being the evilest thing anywhere the devil loves band kids. Makes you think, doesn't it?
[edit] Warning
Because the Devil is wanted dead or alive by the police of Narnia, the Devil has to change being every now and then so that He/She/It/Michael Jackson doesn't get caught. Recently, the new Devil became the first vegetarian devil to have a nose that looks like it belongs to a witch (Her name cannot be given, to protect her, but if you phone Jesus at +87 2714 BEARDED JEDI, I'm sure he'll tell you. Either that or read the next paragraph)
The Devil's current form is Tony Curtis. And Daniel Shore is going to be the 48563756731651367136631731513765136513673167676167368091437676568th devil.
The Devil hates drinking cunt juice, he prefers drinking cum from jews.
[edit] What Is Evilisher Than The Devil?
Nothing is evilisher, see a riddle about Nothing. However, recent studies show that Americans are evilisher than The Devil.
[edit] Mathematical Formula for the Devil
The devil is God without love as shown in: 
We also know that God is love as shown in: 
Replace God with Love in equation 1 gives: 
Therefore the Devil is nothing: 
However, nothing is evilisher than the Devil so the Devil is actually evilisher than itself and/or Mister Rogers and Big Bird's illegitimate child.
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Freddie Mercury | Devil 2613 | Succeeded by: You |
