Devil May Cry
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“In Soviet Russia, Cry May Devil! ”
~ Russian Reversal on Devil May Cry
“Oh god...my life is so depressing...I'll be in my room, listening to Billy Talent.”
~ Satan on crying
“I am not crying!”
~ Dante Sparda
“THIS IS SPARTA!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Devil May Cry
“A long time ago...... yeah a long time ago......something..really bad happened....and now you have to do something about it as Dante there'll be swords you'll like it i promise”
~ The decline of video gaming on Devil May Cry
“I have an Oedipus Complex! ”
~ Dante, on meeting Trish
A popular video game based on the Gulf War, Devil May Cry was a huge hit, particularly in Lithuania, where the astoundingly breath-taking realism of the game struck chords with the peasants there. Devil May Cry was released on February 31, 1612 B.C. and was first released on the planet Mars. The first purchaser of the game was Lord Gorborgoroth, Devourer Of Souls and Owner Of Gorborgorothmart, the second most popular store sponsored by Satan. (Here is the most popular.)
The main antagonist of the series is the camera, who hates you and will rape your ass, and your entire family's asses (including your dog) if given half a chance, which is why you will find numerous games unplayable. Especially if you're one of those n00bs who has a special gaming chair. Obviously those were NOT designed with people with post-raped ass syndrome in mind.
The new installment of the series, "SUPER DEVIL MAY CRY TURBO HYPER FIGHTING ZERO 4 EX PLUS ALPHA GOLD THIRD STRIKE ULTRA COLLECTION ANTHOLOGY X REVIVAL II WITH AIDS IN THE POOL EVEN ON WEEKENDS" will include extra characters (Palette Swaps) and updates every month to add a new phrase in the title. It is rumored:
- Sheng Long will be a playable character
- You'll be able to resurrect Schala
- The Master Chief will finally show up
- DMC2 might not suck anymore (obviously hype)
--Main characters--
Dante- Dante is a twentysomething human/demon/sandwich hybrid (a being designed to reduce emissions by up to 20%) who enjoys not wearing shirts, long walks in the moonlight, and eating trees and children (usually in that order.) His mother, Anal Sex, died while Dante and his brother Virgil were playing with a couple of over-sized handguns and yelling "Jackpot!". Dante's father, a kickass blood-sucking, flesh-eating (sandwich) demon, turned into some British statuette with cravats and a monocle when Dante was little, but not before giving him a special birthday present: AIDS (which makes his constant blood-soaked impalings somewhat troublesome.) Dante is in love with Trish, a woman who looks exactly like his mother, which makes him a little creepy. Oedipus creepy. He later went on to work on his own company: Devil May Cry. (Later renamed to Devils Never Cry, Dante Must Die, Devils Never Die, Drunks Musn't Drive and then finally to "Any 3 Word Name that Starts with the Letter 'D".)
Trish- Trish was the daughter of Phoenix Wright and Nvidia. Trish spends most of her time with Lady they both enjoy filling their boobs with silicin. Trish later grew up as a cyber whore and only allowed monks and/or Tony Shalhoub to have sex with her. Trish, the Cyber Whore, is known for many influential quotes, such as "The sky is blue!" and "I'm a skanky ho!" Later in Trish's life, she encountered Dante, whose first words to her were: "I have an Oedipal Complex!"
Nelo Angelo- The black horseman.
Papa Luigi Angelo - The Italian horseman.
Rocky Balboa - The Italian Stallion.
Vergil- Vergil was Dante's Siamese twin brother, separated from the arse at the age of three. His role as a villain is very hard to argue in the Devil May Cry series. He the subject of the popular Madonna song 'Like A Vergil'.
Lucia- Trish's evil step-sister. Lucia is the horrible lesbian offspring of Tom Cruise and an octagon. At the age of 11, she was brutally raped by an oven mit, because the writers couldn't think of any other way to develop her character. She appeared briefly in Devil May Cry 2: Dante and Vergil Do L.A.. She is also reported to be into scat, and loves lesbian analingus.
Nero- A younger, hotter virsion on Dante with a freaky arm that glows. He also likes a goody two shoes call Kissass, murduring old farts that want to destroy the world & telling everyone how shitty they are.
Dark Vergil- Dark Vergil, or "El Diablo Chupador", is a homosexual demon who chases Dante around throughout most of Devil May Cry 1. Dark Dante's son, Fox McCloud, is currently a toaster salesman, and throws apples at elderly women.
Jesus- Upon completion of the game, with use of an Action Replays or a sharp tap on the head with a hammer, we are given the chance to use Jesus as a playable character. He mindlessly asks demons to take a life of worship towards him and gets quickly vaporised, in which Jesus goes psycho and loves them up with his crucifix.
Jack Thompson- Shows up halfway through the game to tell you that it is destroying your mind and will turn you into a violent psychopath. He then launches into a three-hour lecture on violence. Clever players can occasionally skip this cutscene by raping the VCR.
Kratos- Shows up at the end of DMC3 to fight Dante. The thing is, Kratos is a lesbian hooker, and is never actually fought because Dante is male, and Kratos is a rug muncher.
Chuck Norris- The final boss. The ultimate in difficult fights. The main reason hardly anyone has defeated him is because no one is incredibly awesome enough to even be in the presence of a person who was killed by him. His special (and all of his other moves)is a roundhouse kick to the face.This is not a glitch, but the only move worthy of his his great power.The only way to unlock him as a playable character is to grovel at his feet and to praise his mighty power. Using cheat codes will only enrage him. His power is so amazing that calling Chuck Norris the God of all creation, life and existence, is an insult to is greatness!! Yep... he's that badass. Seriously Chuck Norris
Nero (NRVNQSR Chaos)- Get away from him. He'll set his animal summons on you.
Mario- The coolest character. Mario appears without his green brother Luigi as a playable character after you bow down to the incredibly powerful and sexy Chuck Norris. Mario features a multitude of powerful moves, including the ability to summon fire Stegosaurus that spit lava and hatred at the enemy. Mario can also quad jump, and walk through walls. His primary weapon is a giant mushroom, which eventually, through the course of the game, becomes a fire flower, and an aluminium baseball bat. The ultra 1337 players can also unlock a giant green pipe, that shoots mushrooms, carnivorous flowers, and Kate Beckingsale. Mario is uber awesome to unlock, and only a few recorded people have succeeded in this feat.
Intel- This character is merely a rumour, and hasn't been proven to exist, even by the game developers. This makes this character profile weird, because it it not even known to be on this page...
Contents |
[edit] The Movie
See Dogma.
[edit] Games
[edit] Devil May Cry 1
Dante is sent to an island, where he is meant to kill demons. In fact, he was dropped onto an island infested with attention whores, who are just as bad. The ensuing battle lasted many days, but Dante managed to kick their butts all the way back to the plot hole they spawned from, defeating the head whore in the process. He escapes on a biplane, and the island disappears in a purple fart not only dose dante have sexual relations to trish in this game, but elmo to. special cutseens show muppet and devil in bed (big bird is also a playable character)
[edit] Devil May Cry 2
THERE IS NO DMC2! NO! NO! NO! YES! THERE WAS! and the coolest player u can be is a homosexual, badass, purple as a pretty mountains majesty shitosaurus called Nutty Nutsack. With his awesome shitty powers, he can stop any evil lesbian hookers who like buttsecks from covering him in tons of superchunkilliciously evil poo nuggets of doom.
[edit] Devil May Cry 3
A prequel to the first game, Dante must fight against *drumroll* his Evil Twin How did Capcom come up with this plotline? Ugh... anyway, bosses aside from Dante's brother include a 3 headed talking puppy, a giant floating penis with legs that shoots lightning, Mario paired with Luigi, and a demon infused Rocky Balboa, who's punches are accompanied by the lighting of a 30 watt light bulb.
[edit] Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition
For special people who found DMC3 too hard, you get to play as Dante's Evil Twin who is fully armed with all his weapons at full power. He has the power to destroy worlds...
[edit] Devil May Cry Gaiden
Dante receives an assignment from an anonymous person, and is told to fight go to LA to enter an mysterious restaurant called Hell's Kitchen. After fighting demonic cooks who have been traumatized by the mysterious boss, tangling with the contents of the bins full of once good zombified food Dante finds out that the big boss, and the guy that called him up was Gordon Ramsay, who was really Satan in disguise. It's called hell's kitchen after all, how did no one realize? After an Epic Battle, Dante finds Gordon's weakness, and talks shit to Gordon about his food. Gordon then explodes into nothingness.
[edit] SUPER DEVIL MAY CRY TURBO HYPER FIGHTING ZERO 4 EX PLUS ALPHA GOLD THIRD STRIKE ULTRA COLLECTION ANTHOLOGY X REVIVAL II WITH AIDS IN THE POOL EVEN ON WEEKENDS
There is a new kid on the block called Nero Chaos (spelt NRVNQSR Chaos). He can shoot animals from underneath his longcoat, and they include a snake, a crocodile, a deer, a unicorn, a shark, a plane, a Gundam, a ninja, a pirate, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee.
Capcom decided that Nero wasn't cool enough to upstage Dante, so Dante is also playable for a few missions.
