Deviled eggs

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Deviled eggs are the possessed spawn of chickens and other fowl; they have a special association with gluttony, lust and sloth that makes them frequently found befouling the buffet lines in the best of Evangelical Churches throughout the Midwest and south each Sunday after the sermon.

A staple of most homemakers who need a "relish" other than raw vegetables, these sinfully scruptious treats are made from hard-boiled eggs (boiled in the blood of virgins), cut in half, their yokes blended creamy with mayonnaise, pickle relish, a dab of mustard for color, and “secret” spices”. Just as a reminder of who has his cloven foot in the recipe, a sprinkle of red paprika adds a dash of color and some zest to this eggy goodness.

[edit] Baptists, Satan is in your Lord’s House, and you brought Him in a covered dish!

Modern evangelical Christians are the least aware of the master plan that Satan has in store for them. In fact for many Southern Baptists, Jehovah Witnesses, and Nazarenes eternal heaven is already beyond their reach because while they have been praying for salvation and being immersed in the spirit of the Lord, Beelzebub himself in the form of the deviled eggs is sitting in the multipurpose room under a film of Saran wrap held aloft by wooden toothpicks that you brought!

Yes, that’s right – right under your nose in fact – are Satan’s deviled eggs displayed pretty as you please on a platter made with just one purpose in mind: to make them look not only good enough to eat, but also to make you covet them and kill anyone who tries to take your "precious".

And hey, fat man in the third row; sure you picketed that Adult Bookstores because its warping the minds of youngsters and flesh is peddled there because you’re a moral man. But you can hardly concentrate on learning the meaning that the evangelist has in store for you in today’s missive. Fat man, you're dripping sweat over that too tight shirt collar because you don't hear the messenger of God, no sir-ee bub you have your wife’s egg whites cooked to an exquisite firmness on your mind. Admit it, just that thought makes your manloins ache with desire. And watch that shirt redneck, because you are just about to slobber all over the front of it and that snazzy Wal-Mart clip-on tie imagining the oral ecstasy awaiting you as your tongue savors the smooth creamy yokes mixed with mustard, pickle relish and those "secret" spices. Mister, what you’re feeling is lust and in church no less; that’s a sure sign that the Devil has a hold of your eternal soul.

[edit] Meet Mrs. J., den mother and Satan’s tool

Pretty, poised and popular with other wives in neighborhood, that nice Mrs. J. is the perfect mother, wife and homemaker. That’s why you were so delighted to hear that she volunteered to be the den mother this year for the Boy Scouts on Tuesday and Camp Fire Girls on Thursday, too. And you wonder just how does she do it all and do it so well?

Her secret? She’s sold her soul to the Lord of Darkness and in return she has a her storybook life. She’s pledged to gather your children and feed them her famous deviled eggs. Why, just look how those kiddies eat them up! No wonder Satan is pleased. Not only is his plan to turn your children against you in play, but how can you complain knowing those eggs are also fortified with all sorts of nutritious vitamins and minerals needed to build lean healthy bodies for carrying out Beelzebub’s plans in starting Armageddon.

And remember gals, when she isn't out "Martha'ing" Martha Stewart, she is in her house, shades drawn, making plans to seduce your husband and writhing with pleasures that you'll never know or understand, why her deviled eggs are so much better than hers.

[edit] Do you plan on eating satanic eggs in the future?

Of course you are – especially if someone else is cooking. You know you shouldn’t but those deviled eggs are just too yummy to pass up. Just remember, indulge a little bit today, and there will be Hell to pay tomorrow.