Devon
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“Devon, Nice girl shame about the sagging bumper'”
“It has to be wondered why such a mediocre place exists”
~ Albert Camus on Devon
Image:Example.jpg== History ==EMMYSASLUT
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[edit] Devon pre-1965
The small land mass of Devon lay undiscovered in the South-West of England for centuries. Rumours of an extremely hostile, human-like race inhabiting the farms of this region had abounded since 1702 when a Bristolian explorer, Bruce Willis, ventured into the county. Upon his return he told stories of his encounters with wild, tweed-covered men with bad teeth, and wept as he recounted the attacks that had left half his team dead or with dishevelled hair.
[edit] Devon post-1965
In 1965 however, the Von Trapp family, seeking refuge from Austria, climbed over Exmoor and into Devon. Legend tells how the family were protected from the wild farmers by Julie Andews’ heart-stirring voice which, along with the harmonies provided by the Von Trapp children, acted as a talisman. Against all the odds the family survived and founded the county’s first real settlement, Tiverton. Modern sociologists believe that the necessary inbreeding that ensued in this first town is directly to blame for the problems suffered by over 86% of Devonians today (a figure which rises to 94% of those living in and around the site of the original settlement).
[edit] Devon today
Devon today is a thriving region of men and women who do actually say “gar” when they’re upset, and of farmers markets where you can buy really tasty lemon curd with the odd cow shit smear on the base (if your lucky). Although the county’s founding family have been more or less forgotten, their legacy lives on in the name ‘Devon’ which actually comes from the German ‘Die Von Trapp’, later developing into ‘Dievon’ and later still to its modern spelling.
Devon boasts a glorious rail network that spans between the counties capital Barnstaple and the small town of Exeter. The counties rail network was set up in 1984 by the towns folk in response to a growing demand for travel, originally designed to carry only live stock it was upgraded to enable passengers to travel seven years later when it was finally decided once and for all that cows cannot be trusted to drive trains. Today one can still smell the fragrant cow shit that once lined the floor of every carriage in the attitude of the conductors, who are world champions three years in a row {1995-97} in the art of being a prick.
Along with its farming communities Devon also attracts city folk, who move from make believe places like Manchester and Birmingham to enjoy the picturesque scenery and rustic locals. However, sometimes these folk often bring their children which has lead to an outbreak in the disease known as ‘chav’. Normally sufferers of chav are able to roam busy city streets but in Devon they become agitated by the natural world around them and may become aggressive, and in some cases resort to cow tipping. A sanctuary for sufferers of this awful condition was set up by Devon county council called Ilfracumbe, literally meaning “ill from cum” which refers to how the disease is contracted. Bideford is another town acting as a colony for these untermenschen, particularly the East-the-Water (commonly known as 'Bogside') area, where they do nothing but breed and become uglier. Bideford is one of the ugliest towns in Devon and possibly the world. Bideford has a small claim to fame, by once being mentioned on television for one of their councillors actually being a prostitute in her spare time. Residents of Devon were alleged to have eighteen fingers by the BBC, which led to the uproar of several farm animals and a small goat. The most popular holiday destination in Devon is Croyde, known as "here be grockles" to it's natives. Coming close second is Westward Ho! and then Westwood Mofo?!!!??! at third. The region is famous for its clotted cream and also Mary Rose Ashton, the supposed inspiration for Vicky Pollard. Although ironically, Vicky Pollard has in fact gone into hiding in north Devon under the assumed identity of Nicky Pollard.
Those interested in time travel should visit Clovelly, a small village located on the coast. The entire village had a time stop placed over it by an angry mackerel many years ago, and nothing has changed since that day. The street (yes, it has ONE street) is cut into a cliff and is cobbled, so if you're drunk and it's raining, you're pretty much screwed, as it is REALLY steep. It's like one big happy family there, everyone is very friendly and supportive, the only downside is the constant gossiping and the fact that if you marry someone from Clovelly, you end up related to a lot of the village. It is a very picturesque place though, just be careful that you don't get trapped in the time stop and become a milk maid.
Finder Keepers should not be played in Devon. It's true.
Devon is the arch-nemesis of Ken "I love london" Livingstone, after a row over who could be more racist, devon won.
The ancient borough of Barnstaple is a 'retrograde town' unlike other towns that were once burial grounds or rubbish tips and have become beautiful urban dwellings Barnstaple is the reverse of this. At the current rate of 'urban retrogression' Barnstaple will be a huge pile of litter populated by the armies of the damned by 2012.
In the heart of North Devon lies the quite town of South Molton, the town made its fortune in the 1930 Sheep Mining boom, sadly all the money made was wasted by the local council on a huge statue of local celebrity Johnny 'Badger Baiter' Kingdom. Today the town is mostly populated by charity cases who take tuns to wear each others clothing. South Molton is still at war with Torrington over who has the most inbred population. Torrington has historically had the edge since it's genepool was significantly reduced following a disastrous double booking at the town's Church during the English civil war; the Royalists had hired it to store all of their spare gunpowder but the unscrupulous vicar had also taken a booking from the Parlimentarians to use the church as a temporary gaol for the hundreds of prisoners that they had taken during the previous evenings' battle; tragedy ensued. More recently south molten has retaken the lead after a set of twins came from Johnny Hall and his mother Maude Hall.
[edit] Dwellings
In Devon some of the underlying population of farmers and tourists gather into areas dense with chavs and old city folk. Such areas are known as towns.
The mud clad steel roofed shanty towns of the area have sprung up, literally, to fuel poverty and hatred for the Labour party. Notable examples of these population centres include Axminster, Exeter and the long abandoned Exmouth. Axminster, once the carpet town, is now more commonly referred to as "Smackminster" for obvious reasons: The town was once the home of a pagan drug ring lead by the shady atm (Axminster Mafia). These activities were soon eradicated by the application of Asbos and Power tools (run by some nob). Exmouth, the ghost town, is prowled by the descendants of once rich city dwellers. The chavs that remain will mug, murder and according to legend steal your organs for the NHS.
Exeter, fondly known as the last outpost of civilisation,it's meant to be habitable but it's not. First built on the profits of Roman ingenuity it soon spun down into a display of man's ability to kill the will to live. Exeter is dominated by the ugliest building ever constructed; Debenhams. From the tower our cruel over lords run the lives of the horde.
Plymouth, by contrast, is an uninhabitable city. Most of the people who work there actually live in neighbouring Cornwall. It was an experiment gone horribly wrong, the vast concrete hellhole has not been demolished solely because of losers form the south east coming to live there and referring to the bog called Dartmoor, just outside Plymouth 'The Countryside'. and Plymouth hole, I mean Hoe as something Beautiful. The native Plymouthians, or 'Plymuph people' are a species that are a real stumbling block for Darwin. The males , emaciated runts/ the females (janners) fat pig women or skinny brainless creatures resembling Pinky form Pinky and the Brain.
It is a common myth that Devon is really wealthy and nice. its' just a s much of a hell as the south east; all the toffs are selling roughly 3 acres a minute to feed themselves and the cities and towns are filled with pretensions losers, Chavs, scumb and bugger all. It is in fact Somerset that is wealthy and pleasant, Glastonbury for all it's violent murders remains one of the nicest places in England. But only in England
For some unknown reason the small towns of Lynton and Lynmouth are geographically part of Devon, though the briefest investigation shows that they are actually part of civilisation. It is believed they have been tacked onto Devon by an unknown civil servant in an effort to improve Devon's economic statistics. Most of the people here are from far flung parts of the world, and meet annually in the Valley of the Rocks, deciding how the world should be ran far another year.
[edit] Gang violence
- Main article: Water gun drive bys
[edit] Industry
- Grockle mugging
- Cider drinking
- Wrecking vehicles on the rocks of the M5 and stealing the contents
- Piracy
- Grass track racing
- Glass breaking
- Emigration to America
- Francis Drake tourism industry (see Piracy)
- spelung
[edit] Devon In Fiction
In popular television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Devon is the location of the afterlife. It is consequently a critical element of the theology of the Church of Buffy.
