Diablo II
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“I lagged when eating kumquats. Yes...lag. That's why I died.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Diablo II
“That zombie Scotsman Griswold was sexy as hell.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Diablo II
“lol stfu! pallys r overpowered! u only beat meh because you spammed those fuckin hammers!”
~ Everyone who's ever been killed by a pally on PKing in Diablo 2
“What?! There was a cow level? Nobody told me! What the hell?! Blizzard, you bastards!”
~ Anonymous on Diablo II
Diablo II, the design of which was led by infamous Software Engineer Vin Diesel, is the vastly inferior sequel to Diablo. It was one of the first RPGs to have no quests beside the initial orders given to you early in the game:
Due to the fact that there were no quests to speak of, and that group advancement was outright removed from the engine in favor of individual promotion, there was no point in playing with other people. This despite the fact that the game can be played online. The average player's time is spent wandering aimlessly through one of five virtual areas. Of course, Diablo II actually has many hundreds of different areas, but most of these lack the Vin Diesel Stamp of Awesomeness, which makes them as interesting as Bob on a good day.
It was mostly based on Dio's journey through hell and how he defeated Satan and went back to the surface to challenge Chuck Norris.
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[edit] Features
The most groundbreaking features of Diablo II are it's in-game 'duping' and 'lag' systems. Reviewers praised Diablo II for its innovative 'duping' system, which allows any player to create copies of items when they discover magic spells that explain the method required. Usually, in order to 'dupe', a player has to create 'lag', another feature that allows players and monsters to enter a 'bullet-time' like state that slows the game down. For example, one Paladin might cause 'lag' by using the skill 'Charge' until the game 'desynchs' (another feature that reviewers praised) and then use that period of time to kill other players.
Lesser-known systems are the innovative 'TPPK', which allows players to kill each other from the safety of the town, 'farcast', which allows players to kill others from far offscreen, 'namelocking', a system that allows players to kill each other with ease and 'botting', a system where players can use scripts to have the game play itself while the player is away from the computer.
[edit] Character Classes
Another unique quality of Diablo II was that it only has two playable classes, Sorceresses and Amazons, which in following trends established by hot and bothered male gamers, were female. When Blizzard patched the game to 1.2.04, they added 5 other classes as part of a grand joke that to this day, only they get.
The Seven Character Classes
The Necromancer
A creepy old man of dubious sexuality who can raise the corpses of the slain to do his bidding. However, he's old and weak, and cannot actually kill anything to create those corpses. Also, his skeleton-raising abilities become utterly useless by the end of the game, so invest in making the one golem you're allowed to have at one time, a real badass. He also uses curses to great effect, which has gotten him banned from every website on the internet, even those without registration. Necromancers cast a variety of bones and other shit from his body. When his mana is depleted, it means he has run out of bones. If the Necromancer were black, he'd be a whole lot more powerful, and he'd be called a "Negromancer". There is an ambiguity whether a Negromancer is a black Necromancer, or he is a Necromancer who summons black people, kind of like a Martin Luther King, but wimpier. However, the Necromancer uncovers his true geologist nature when he summons a stone golem, a humanoïd made entirely of the granite boulders the necromancer can quickly gather and fuse together. Kind of like an inukshuk, but alive. This makes him an Old Bone-loving Alive-Bloody-Inukshuks-Summoning Evil Minion-Fighting Geologist.
The Amazon
This female character is ideally a ranged combatant, using bows and javelins. Can run out of ammo, but for some reason, every conceivable enemy you face, including giant porcupines, will drop several quivers of arrows. At higher levels, she can summon a Valkyrie. Sexiest class in diablo II, just lacking "Action". All Amazons are lesbiansand communists, making them Lesbiano-Bolchevists.
The Paladin
A holy warrior, the Paladin can generate auras that benefit him and his party, or damage his foes. This makes him valuable in team play, which you should get used to, as the Paladin becomes very killable after the first few acts of the game. He's also black, and thus a badass, being that much closer to Denzel Washington. He fights in the name of a nameless religion, killing everything and almost everyone. It is under suspicion that he fights for the Catholic church, but this theory has been rejected mainly in part to him being black. However, the Paladdin uncovers his true geologist nature when throwing hammers. This is his most useful skill, and makes him a Holy Black Evil Minion-Fighting Geologist.
The Assassin
This nimble ninja-like warrior of the night comes equipped with ninja-like wrist blades, attacks people randomly with fucking ninja stars, PWNS any bitch in her way, and runs like hell when all else fails. There are two main builds for the assassin class: the martial artist, or the trap-ass. The trap-ass is a jackass practical joker with a morbid fascination for setting up deadly traps; while as the martial artist prefers the direct approach of administering fatal beatings. A martial artist is a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, she rivals the barbarian in pure physical combat and would hand him his ass in a shouting contest. When assigned a finisher move to each mouse button and those two mouse buttons clicked simultaneously, the assassin will shout out the pop hit "Я сошла с ума" or "All The Things She Tried to Say After I Stuck My Tongue in Her Mouth" in the North American release, causing all enemies on screen to become confused with their sexual orientation. Assassins have a special aura to run fast. At level 20, Burst of Speed allows the Assassin to run even faster than her own Shadow, causing it to lag out and dissapear. She can run so fast mother nature will be like SLOOOWED DOWN (lag) and she'll say "fuck you bitch" and kick her in the face with her ENERGY LEGS. She is the only class to have a damage stat associated to her boots. Assassins are also lesbians. They are often seen walking hand in hand with 14 years-old sorceresses, especially if the latter is russian and has red hair. She can also cast a Shadow of herself, giving her the unique ability to participate in homosexual pedophilic incestuous masturbation sessions with her underaged self. It is widely believed that Natalya's Odium is the most powerful (and only) assasin item set. There is however another very little known item set for assassin going by the denomination of Malchik Gej's Pride, composed of Malchik Gej's Circlet of Elegance which makes her sexually ambiguous short black hair visible and Malchik Gej's Catholic Schoolgirl Uniform. With the complete set of Malchik Gej's Pride equipped, the assassin will recieve a bonus of +1024 to a hidden sex appeal stat, used in the calculation of how much gold an assassin gets for standing at a street corner, and reduces her age level to below 13. This set has never circulated on Battle.net because players below 13 do not respect the EULA. It is rumored that Blizzard will unlock Malchik Gej's Pride in the next v1.13 update to Diablo II, due out next year, when all the 13 year old players will turn 14.
The Druid
The Druid is a filthy hippie, summoning ravens to piss everyone off. Realizing that conquering hell will require more than merely pissing off the demons, he acquires the ability to transform into a fucking bear. However, the druid uncovers his true geologist nature when he uses his volcano spell, unleashing pyroclastic bombs and lava flows all around him. This makes him a Hippie Fantastic Creature-loving Evil Minion-fighting Geologist.
The Sorceress
The sorceress is a 19 year old girl. she likes to get raped and she is very hot, (if its a fireball sorceress). she has been fked by everyone.(if you havent you're missing out). This character possesses the power of elemental magic and can spew forth geysers of flame, fountains of frost, and limn-ii of lightning. She has very high capacity for dealing damage but little for taking it, and has been known to be killed by a well aimed spit wad. In PvP damage can be totally absorbed using a couple of easy to get items. However, without a sorceress, a party using only brute force can not fight its way through Hell, because Vin Diesel decided that all physical damage was reduced by half in this level of difficulty. However, the Sorceress uncovers her true geologist nature when she uses the Hydra skill: she is the only character able to instantly melt the surrounding country rock into magma and summon friendly dragon-like creatures from this molten rock. This makes her a 19 Years Old Staff-instead-of-Hammer-Carrying Evil Minion-fighting Geologist.
The Barbarian
The most powerful character in the game, bar none. An effective strategy for the Barbarian is to jump at your opponent and use the Whirlwind skill endlessly. Barbarians can also yell at dead bodies to get extra loot, but it is not known how this works or where the extra loot comes from. He is currently under investigation by the NSC. He is fucken l33t with big axes and HE WILL MURDER EVERYONE YOU LOVE. He also drinks POWERTHIRST in order to give him MENERGY. His high strength and proficiency in dual-wield makes him the ideal mule of the party. However, the Barbarian uncovers his true geologist nature when he uses Immortal King's Stone Crusher, a special set item designed especially for his kind. This makes him a Yelling, Jumping, Spinning, and Stone Breaking Evil Minion-fighting Geologist.
Chuck Norris
CHUCK NORRIS IS AN EXEPTION TO ALL RULES. CHUCK NORRIS CAN BREAK ALL GAME PLAY STRATEGIES. Note that Chuck Norris' physical damage is also reduced by half in Hell difficulty. But because he deals infinity damage, he deals infinity/2 = infinity damage in Hell. if u see somone named chuck norris, be sure its chuck norris. no one but him can create chuck norris. if u want to talk to chuck norris press /m *chuck norris or add him to ur friend list, do not disturb him between 4 pm and 8 pm he is afk. This class is only playable by Chuck Norris. He has every single ability known to mankind. In addition, he has the ability to roundhouse kick entire servers into oblivion, and level up and kill opponents just by flexing his muscles. Chuck Norris entering a server will instantly strike it with "lag", as a result of his awesomeness.
if the person does not pick chuck norris as a character, they must fight him in his more uber self, the Reziarfg, the bat fuck insane name he picked because its just so bat fuck insane. if you see him, your computer automaticly transforms into a mac, because mac's are bat fuck insane.
The Lawyer
In an early update the Lawyer class was added, but was soon removed because she proved far to broken to be used. Her special skills included Sue Yer Ass Off, which was used to amass large amounts of "legit" items and gold, and Sexual Harassment Suit, which caused male characters to immediately die and go to jail without collecting $100, not even Diablo himself could resist this broken skill. This class could close down servers with its Delay of Courts skill to lag everyone into oblivion.
Subclasses such as Slave or Asshole were introduced to increase character variety. This included new skills, such as the Slave's Learn Alphabet and Pick Cotton skills. Under the Restaurant Skills tab for the Asshole, you'll find ever-useful abilities such as Don't Leave Tip. However, this option was tailored for the American game players, as the tipping culture has not yet infected Britain or Australia, where the ability was replaced with "Throw Spaghetti at the Waiter".
Each class also has their own attributes. Assholes have particularly high Dexterity (which determines your character's ability to multi-task) and Enunciation. Enunciation is critical for the Asshole's Insult skills. The Slave starts with no equipment and all stats at 0; in fact, he has to learn the Speak skill in order to talk with NPC's in town (NPC stands for Non-Perishable Character).
[edit] Trade System
The only time players interact with each other is through Diablo II's unique trading system. Usually it involves one player posting all of his worthless items into the trade window, to have the other player not post his items to trade. It is best to look at an example to understand this complex system.
Player 1: TRADUING WINDFORCE!!!!!!!!! Player 2: I WANTZ Player 1: WUG Player 2: WUW Player 1: WUG Player 2: WUW Player 1: WUG Player 2: WUW etc... (see infinite recursion)
In the above example..
WUG stands for: "I don't Want to give yoU this for something that is inferior, what is it that you have to offer for my item? G"
WUW means: "I actually have quite a lot of items, What is it that yoU are looking for, in particular, and then maybe We could make the appropriate trade?"
This problem was eventually solved by the adoption of Stones of Jordan as the game's official currency, replacing worthless Gold. The Stone of Jordan was discovered by Archaeologists during a dig at the ancient city of Jordan. During an excavation of a public bathroom, scientists came across an amazing discovery. A fossilized human turd. While many claim that they have the "real" stone of Jordan, all stones of Jordan are dupes. It is a scientific fact that it is impossible to find a stone of jordan. Baal claimed to offer them in exchange for oral sex, but failed to deliver, which, in the game's storyline, is the motivation behind your character's quest.
Later in the development process of Diablo 2, there was a developed strategy for killing Diablo 2 in hell difficulty. The tons of worthless gold could be melted and molded into a giant dildo, and toppling it over onto the chaos sanctuary.
[edit] Gameplay
Gameplay is a tricky word when referring to Diablo II. It has been argued that the title is not actually a game, but a formula created by the neuropsychologists behind Blizzard used to entrap players into repetitive tasks that result in nothing but lost time and a collection of items which are completely worthless in real life, even in "who has a bigger dick" contests. What Diablo II actually is has remained a subject for debate for the past two decades since it was put back on the Drugs and Controlled Subtances list by CPL's research. These days, you can watch many Diablo addicts recover from the brain damage on the HBO hit series "addicts". It has been rumored that Wikipedia was in fact much apart of the game development stage, insisting that the difficulty settings do nothing more than require you to reacquire way points. Redundancy seems to be the main theme.
Popular pastimes in Diablo II include Baal runs and Cow runs. Only Paladins can kill Baal and they are blessed with so much AI that they have the impressive ability to kill him repeatedly without a player controlling them, creating portals for other players to leech XP from them as they use their hammers of l33t pwnage. Many players will spend up to 15 hours at a time running with Baal, who is a big fan of jogging and healthy eating, explaining his infinite HP.
Cow runs involve killing millions of pissed off Tauren Satanists. They wield axes that largely resemble Ku Klux Klan hats. Only Chuck Norris can kill the Cow King, who is the most pissed off Satanic Tauren of all.
Though there are several kinds of monsters in the game, the most threatening by far is one called "Lag". No matter how proficient or l33t you are, Lag will kill you. The Lag monster has even been know to not only kill you, but mind control you in to screaming and throwing your computer at a wall.
Make sure you inform others around you that the Lag monster is nearby by letting them know you were killed by Lag. Typically done in the manner of: "LAG KILLED ME, GAY!" (A true statement - It is a documented fact[citation needed] that lag will often engange in sexual relations with lags of the same gender) Many insurance companies immediately stopped covering lag after the release of Diablo 2.
Player vs Player: This is an important aspect of the game. There is, however, some rules you must know. The most important of these are as follows:
If you get killed by another player, he uses hacks.
If you get killed by another player, it is due to lag.
If you get killed by another player, it is because he is a noob.
If you manage to kill another player, you must naked kill him after. Remember to flame a lot and call him a noob.
If you manage to kill another player, your e-penis just grew another inch.
If you manage to kill another player, you pwned him even though he used hacks and you lagged like any program made by Microsoft.
[edit] Hardcore
Diablo II offers two completely different modes of play. By far the most-played mode is softcore, in which characters and NPCs wear clothes. The other mode is called hardcore. In this mode, characters and NPCs are nearly or entirely naked, hence the name. It is far more difficult than softcore mode, especially for male players, because of the high element of distraction caused by all the nudity. It is also the reason for the game's 'mature' rating. Players start off in the fifth act and must make it back to the first. Once they reach act one, they must rescue Charsi (the encampment blacksmith) and bring her to town. This is difficult because the monsters are replaced with former playboy models who are out of work. Since Charsi is the sexiest person in Diablo II besides the Amazon class, players must have at least 20 hours of vaginal intercourse with her to receive a special in game item known as The Sext0rz. Female characters are out of luck in this regard, as Charsi is completely straight. Frustrated and envious, many have resorted to spreading rumors - or perhaps raising awareness - that Charsi is afflicted with every STD known to man, including several that were only just discovered in her.
[edit] Diablo III
During the week before WWI 2008 in Paris, Blizzard announced that a new franchise would be coming... Actually, they didn't announce shit. In fact there was some big splash screen on their website which looked like an asshole made of ice, and then the ice got broken and a pair of eyes came forth. And all looked like a snow storm behind the eyes. And it was just TOO DAMN OBVIOUS it was going to be the WoW expansion featuring this Lich King... And at first, it was. But then Blizz decided to screw the hopes of all those Warcraft fans and suddenly enough the ice turned into Diablo III. I mean, wtf?!?!?!
Because of this Blizzard had to pay another bajillion to Satan because he sued the company for putting his own face on their website. So that you know, it's thanks to games like Diablo and Doom that Satan still lives and comes to torment you at night, hiding in your closet while you sleep in bed with your wife. And a leaves a pair of male trousers next to your pillow. Yeah. It's definitely Satan. And not me.
[edit] See Also
- D.I.A.B.L.O.
- Starcraft
- Whorecraft
- World of Warcraft
- Cows
- Reziarfg
- Progress Quest - (Diablo clone with much better graphics)
