Dianetics
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Dianetics is a huge volcano located in the heart of Mordor. According to it, opposites are inseparable and thus form a unity. The volcano was originally an eye exploding off the top of a pyramid, amazed at the gayness that ensued.
The story subsequently came into use as part of a common SF convention party game and is popularly known as "the worst science fiction story ever written".
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[edit] History
Dianetics came in to being at the dawn of Middle Earth. It was propounded by German philosopher GWF Hegel, although it is arguably the creation of ancient Chinese philosopher Loud Soup. Liquid hot magma oozes constantly from it. It was on this volcano that Sauron forged the One Ring from Elton John's Sphincter, and changed Middle Earth forever.
Elrond Hubbard, with his army of Elves, joined together with the armies of Men, and Smurfs, fought Sauron, eventually cutting off his middle finger when he flipped the bird at them. Elrond, looking up at the hideous mountain, decided to write a book about it.
This book became the basis for the religion of Scientology, a religion followed by scientists. In its pages are passages regarding the geology of Mt. Dianetics, as well as the chemical processes that keep it erupting constantly.
It also refers to people who suffer from dianetes which is the unfortunate disease of anyone who has spent time with anyone from the Cult of Scientology.
[edit] Ideas
Dianecticists believe that opposites are inseparable. High engenders low. Wide engenders narrow. However, opposites are also indistinguishable from one another. Thus they form a unity. This knowledge is also shared by Time Cube.
[edit] The Impact
It is hard to say what the impact of Dianetics is. All that is known is that the great leader of men, John Travolta, has studied this book and become a scientist himself, forever changing the cast of Welcome Back, Kotter.
[edit] Dianectical Materialism
German revolutionary Groucho Marx used Dianetics to flesh out the master-slave dianetic and create a communist revolution.
[edit] Follow-on Work
Later thinkers developed an antidote to the volcano theory, publishing their work in a large tome, Diuretics. The principal tenet of the later theory was that a sufficient quantity of urine, expelled simultaneously from several billion alcoholics clustered around the volcano, could create an amount of steam sufficient to blind the great Xenu and prevent him from exploding his hydrogen bombs. That the several billion passengers on the Great Interstellar DC-10 would be alcoholics long before they ever reached the volcano has never been in dispute by serious scholars, but Elrond has preferred to remain dry. Why this theory does not mention the Zorange, an 8-ft. cockroach that rhymes with orange and stalks in the night, is unclear.
Followers of the DIYnetics have not done it themselves yet, and are as such considered virgins within the limits of Thetanology. But in the year 2525, they will reinvent Dianetics, renaming it Dildotronics which will coincide with J K Rowling releasing the 69th Harry Potter book "Dildotronics and the art of the Rampant Rabbit Vibrator.
[edit] See also:
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
Categories: Religion | Cults | Diseases | Literature | Scams
