Dick Cheney

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Sir Cheney the Dick

Term of office:	2009 – 2013
Preceded by:	George W. Bush
Succeeded by:	Barack Obama
Date of birth:	June 6, 1946
Place of birth:	James Park, Hell
First Lady:	n/a
Political party:	Racist

“I've outdone myself this time!”

~ Satan on Dick Cheney

“We used to be childhood friends, until he shot me in the knee.”

~ Hitler on Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney, is the 46th and current United States Vice President, who currently lives in an undisclosed location deep beneath a US Naval Observatory. He is a Republican, or, as the rest of the world has come to call them, a bastard. He has briefly assumed the presidency twice, the first time being when president Bush received a colonoscopy, and the second time being the next day when Bush went back to the doctors after realising that the camera was still stuck inside his ass.

[edit] Early Life and nomination for Vice President

Cheney was born somewhere in Nebraska to Billy Bob Cheney and his inflatable wife Jill. In November 1962 at the age of five, Cheney was involved in the first of several drunk driving arrests. At the age of six Cheney went bald, an event which in his own words; 'cruelly stripped him of his youth'. Nonetheless he was married at the age of nine, to his longtime girlfriend Lynne Vincent. At the age of 18, he was old enough to be drafted and almost was, but he sneezed and was granted a hardship exemption.

As the 2000 election approached, Cheney was nominated to be the next Vice President of the United States. His membership in "The American Society for killing Mexicans" greatly appealed to Republican voters, as did his grant to reinstate the Crusades in an attempt to wipe out the heathens and he won the nomination with ease.

On becoming nominated he celebrated by hunting and shooting a few of his red-neck republican friends, who did forgive him but only after consuming three bottle of Wild Kentucky Whiskey and the souls of three mexican virgins.

Dick went on to achieve much, including mastering the puppetery controls of George W. Bush, although he did have some trouble with the speech controls.

[edit] (Vice) Presidency under George W. Bush

Typical response to the press.

Dick Cheney immediately went on a four week vacation after he was elected. He then went back to the whitehouse, collected his paycheck, tied his shoes, and went on another vacation.

Then came the attacks of September 11th. While President Bush was being read to by a four year old girl, Cheney was in Cancun getting his Anus waxed. "When I heard what had happened, I wasted no time and immediately ordered a martini." says Cheney.

When he got back to the whitehouse two months later, Cheney made the rounds of the Sunday morning talk shows, where he blamed an ant who lived in Iraq for the September 11th attacks, despite the fact that the airplanes used to perpetrate the attacks had "Hijacked by terrorists who have never been to Iraq" painted on them.

Some have wondered whether Cheney blaming the attacks on the ant may have had something to do with the fact that the ant bit George H.W. Bush during his administration, and he failed to successfully squash it. Whatever the reason, Cheney proclaimed that the ant was in possession of 400,000 nuclear warheads, along with a superweapon capable of destroying an entire continent. As evidence, he pointed out the presence of a very suspicious looking empty water bottle next to the ant hill that "most definitely contains nuclear weapons." Cheney asked Congress for a declaration of war, and the war in Iraq began.

[edit] The Iraq War

The war began with a mass bombing of several thousand Iraqi cities, which killed 48,000 people and one ant. "HOORAY! WE GOT ONE!!!!" President Bush reportedly said. Cheney told the people that the war wouldn't last more than three days.

I was shot once too, but survived, beep.

Then, American soldiers surrounded the water bottle, carefully approached it, and looked inside. It was empty. The American public was informed of this, and Cheney's approval rating started going down. He then said that the ants had ties to evil space aliens who would kill everyone unless they supported the war. "You anti-American democrats need to stop this fear-mongering!" said Cheney, "It's people like you who want the puppy-kickers to win! Now you have a choice here: would you rather support everything our administration does, or get boiled in a vat of stomach acid?" Support for the war shot up again.

Six years later, the ant was captured, removed from his colony, and charged with being inhuman. As punishment for this, he was hanged, shot, stabbed, and boiled alive. However, this did little to fix the mess that Iraq had become, and Cheney's approval rating plummeted to 23%. A bipartisan report was issued that recommended the formation of an immediate strategy, including the setting of timetables for troop withdrawal. Cheney condemned it as "too depressing", and the white house issued its own report: "Iraq is a lovely, sunny place, filled with flowers and butterflies. The people there love America, and any second now they will stop blowing themselves up and become a democracy, just like us."

This was part of a new military strategy introduced by Cheney: "imagination". "If we just pretend that we're winning, everything will be okay!" he said, "Victory! We win! HOORAY!!!!!!"

[edit] The Patriot Act

Two colleagues considering the distinguishing features of their respective reproductive extremities

Another controversial aspect of Cheney's time in the whitehouse is the Patriot Act. In 2005, George Dubya Bush, Vice President Cheney, proposed a bill that would make Bush the Supreme Chancellor of the United States Government. He also proposed that in war-time, he could be given emergency powers and assemble a Supreme Army of the Republicans with which to fight the evil Democratic Separatists. At war's end, he would relinquish those powers. When asked by reporters if he would abuse these powers, he electrocuted them with lightning from his hands.

Shortly afterwards, the USA PATRIOT Act was created by Bush and Cheney. The act decreed that the government could moniter what kind of condoms people use, what flavors of ice cream they prefer, how many people they have had sex with, and what their shoe sizes are. Based on this information, the government could create a database decreeing how likely people are to be terrorists. "Terrorists really like vanilla, but some are partial to raspberry," says an NSA spokesperson on what ice cream flavors terrorists like. The law also allows the government to read people's e-mails and listen to their phone conversations, because rule #1 of being a terrorist (according to the guide book authored by Abdul-Massah-Jabal) is "always have phone conversations and write E-mails in which you loudly say I'M A TERRORIST!!!" When asked if he thought this was unconstitutional, Cheney said "You must realize that the only way for us to protect America is to ignore the document on which it was founded!"

This is Dick Cheney when he was just a little smaller. Yes, he ate kittens back then too.

[edit] Dick Cheney: Not part of the Executive Branch?

Throughout his vice presidency, Cheney and Bush have both passionately argued that Dick Cheney indeed is not part of the executive branch, despite the fact that the Constitution says the Vice President is always part of the Executive Branch.

"Well, it's in very fine print," says Cheney on the subject, "But it's there. The constitution specifically says that if a vice president's initials are D.C., and they weigh over 300 pounds, they are not part of the legislative, executive, OR judicial branch, they are part of a little-known fourth branch known as the Empire Branch, in which members get to do whatever they want."

He then displayed a copy of the Constitution, in which, at the bottom, written in red crayon, was the rule described in the above quote. When asked which of the founding fathers wrote in red crayon, Cheney responded: "It was the mouse who rode around on Ben Franklin's shoulder." History textbooks were immediately revised to include this, and House Democrats instantly gave up on making Cheney face any consequences for his actions in the white house.

[edit] Expert shotgunmanship

Look! A quail!

In February 2006, while duck hunting with some friends, Cheney spotted Mahmoud al-Yamskiriq, a low-flying Palestinian quail that he identified as having ties to Al Qaeda, as well as having a weapon of mass destruction in its beak/cockpit. He immediately pulled out his bazooka, which until previously had been deviously disguised as his right arm, with the intention of "blowing away that terrorist bird". He missed, however, and hit Harry Whittington, who promptly exploded in a thunderous ball of fire and noxious gas like a dying star.

Democrats jumped on this opportunity to criticize Cheney, arguing that he should have used a nuclear missile. "If you're going to shoot someone, you might as well finish them off!" screamed Hillary Clinton, "Our vice president is incapable of even having a proper hunting accident!" Others criticized him for shooting his friend in the first place.

However, it wasn't the first time a member of the U.S. government had been involved in a potentially deadly accident during a sporting event. Abraham Lincoln drowned a man once during a game of Marco Polo, Harry Truman shot down two jet planes that he mistook for geese on a hunting trip, George Washington accidentally bit a girl's head off during an overly passionate game of spin the bottle, and Herbert Hoover stabbed an entire building full of people during a drunken game of pin the tale on the donkey.

[edit] Dick Cheney: A robot?

A popular rumor has it that Cheney is the end result of DICKTRON, an ultra top-secret US Gubbamint R&D project. Cheney was supposedly engineered by Bill Gates as part of a bid by Microsoft to get a microsoft product elected president.

Dick Cheney showing off his moves

Those who believe that Cheney is a robot believe his almost daily heart attacks are in fact instrument malfunctions, possibly caused because somebody tried to play The Sims on him. While it is proven that the sims was successfully installed in John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton, nobody has yet proven this newer rumor. They also believe that the war in Iraq and the Patriot Act are the result of somebody accidentally flipping a switch on him from lazy vacationer mode to mad dictator mode.

Rare photo of Cheney with his mask off

Others who do not support the total robot theory believe Cheney is a broken shell of a man who is mostly robotic, but it has been rumored that the phrase "At least people like Joseph McCarthy aren't still in politics!" when said within a ten-meter radius of his audioreceptors will trigger a remote-controlled nuclear holocaust and subsequently wipe North Korea from the face of the earth.

Contrary to Dick Cheney's name and Dick Head appearance, he is not a sex toy and should not be approached by anyone looking for sex toys. He will grind them up with his mighty Dick O' Steel.

[edit] Acting career

His acting experience is limited to playing all the villains in James Bond movies. He is best remembered for his line "No, Mister Bond, I expect you to sleep with my assistant!" in the Bond movie "Never Say Tomorrow Again Another Day Is Not Enough, Forever". According to People Suck Magazine, he once remarked about playing Bond villains "It's fun, because I get to be myself"

He is rumored to be the inspiration for the beloved children's songs, "Loser Larry the Complete Dumbass" and "The 40,000 Year Old Virgin".

His dream is to play Voldemort in his favourite films Harry Potter. He said " I could make the character much more evil without trying."

He has a small filmography:

• The Great Dicktator (1940) as A Small Country
• Three Soldiers (1944) as Cruel General
• Goldfinger (1964) as Goldfinger
• Star Wars (1977) as Alderaan
• Tricky Dicky (1984) as Himself
• Fun with George and Dick (2005)
• Wild Hogs (2006)
• Uncle George W's Randy Shoot-Out! (2008)

[edit] See Also

• Darth Vader
• Darth Cheney
• That's My Dick
• General Secretary of the Republican Party of the United States

[edit] Celebrity Big Brother

Dick Cheney announced that he was going to be on Celebrity Big Brother. He then changed his image to a punk rocker. He was initially going to be referred to as "Evil Dick", but Bush misspelled the word evil and Cheney then became known as "Evel Dick". He somehow emerged the winner even after he talked shit to all the democrats. He was most famous for taunting John Edwards by saying, "Abortions, gay marriage, tax reductions. So sad. So sad. Isn't it sad? And that's that. And that's that."

[edit] External Links

• Dixie Chicks, "The Cheney Song" Lyrics