Richard Simmons
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“Yeah, he's a silly little bitch. My tiger wouldn't even eat his shit. He can't even comb my pubic hair without trying to eat it. My power is discombobulatingly devastating, but his gayness is discombobulatingly terrifying! If we could have a son together, he could rule the world!”
~ Mike Tyson on Thoughts on the terror of Richard Simmons.
Dick Simmons used to be fat until he cried so much from being made fun of at school that all his fat oozed from his pours. He then got caught and laughed at by Cyndi Lauper. From embarassment, he told Cyndi that he was sweating. She believed his lies and the rest is history. OR IS IT? It is.
Richard was born in New Orleans, Louisiana, son of two gay men and a swordfish; Mitchell, Danny and Francis-Makley; brother of Lacy Simmons. Richard Simmons got his start at St. Francis in Toledo, Ohio where he raped 2000 boys in just under 5 minutes, breaking the previous record held by Albert Colmes. He also raped Mitchell Morris, though this was, we hope, an isolated event. He soon changed his name to SAYGON, which just happens to be an anagram of Gayons. He was supposedly killed by Tim Allen with a bomb Tim made in preschool with Playdough and a fuse made from the hair of his pet guinea-pig. SAYGON lived, and went into hiding in Japan for two years. When he came back, he spoke fluent Japanese, changed his name to Russell, and won the Gay Olympics in 1989 for raping 200 leprechauns in 1 minute, again, just beating out world class rapist, and Huguenot, Nancy Grace.
After becoming a Super-Homo by killing his best friend, Luke Perry, Russell established himself as a pimp. He became the first pimp to run an entirely male whore house since John Quincy Adams. He was soon cast in the latest Bond Movie as "Blowjob", where he would shoot sperm instead of bullets. Russell's movie career was soon cut short before it could really bloom.
Russell met Thomas Phillips, Augustus Gibbons and Tim Allen at the premiere of the movie, where they both shot him 9 times in the chest, the tenth bullet narrowly missing a begrieved Nancy Pelosi. Simmons survived, and became a rapper known as 50 Cent, but for you, 45. He formed the band G-Unit with fellow rappers, Ol'Dirty Testament, Kid Lox, LL Oy Vey, Sir Kvetch-A-Lot,Tim Allen, Ice Cube, Augustus Gibbons and my son, the Doctor, Dre. They released one album, Fear of a Kosher Planet, before a munting incident effectivly ended the bands ten month run.
In 1998, several people died at a poetry jam when the PA system malfunctioned, overamplifying Russell Simmons voice. An unnamed source declared "that guy has a voice like barbed wire". The Pentagon has refused to confirm or deny whether Tattoo'sunique vocal capibilities may be harnessed by the Star Wars Strategic Defense Inititative to "freedom tickle" suspected terrorists.
[edit] The Mustaine Years
In 1999, Richard Simmons met and fell in love with Bucky Fehrenbach's Room mate while eating poop, an unknown member of the Beatles, and an insignificant, forgotten member of Metallica. Their relationship would last until 2000, when Richard caught Dave giving his beloved Dalmation Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuffs XII an Alabama Hot Pocket. Knowing that no man could ever truly love him for the Super-Homo that he is, he discarded Mustaine in the dumpster that he found him in. In 2002, during a gay pride speech by Simmons, Dave showed up and started crying on stage and proposed to him, which Richard accepted. Richard has since given birth to 2 childern, Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe. Dave has written a new Megadeth song "I Loved Richard up the Ass", a love song in the vein of "Up Where We Belong" , and a new Toby Keith song, "When Richard Comes, I'm Right Behind Him."
[edit] Homosexual Singularity
Simmons is perhaps most notable as the gayest Shock Victim in existence, in front of even Lou Dobbs, renowned baby rapist. By the current laws of the universe, it is mathematically impossible for any person, place, or thing to be gayer than Richard Simmons. It has been said that if Richard Simmons tried to out gay himself, his head would explode, sending gay up into the atmosphere and extending the fashion season into next year. In fact, he has more gay than infinity has rational numbers, though "╬" would tend to disagree.
[edit] Richard Simmons' activity in San Diego
In La Jolla, San Diego, California, next to UCSD (The REAL Chinatown), under a 300-foot cliff, resides a beach called Black's Beach. It is the largest nude beach in North America, having a population consisting of 13% Surfers, 7% Lazy Beachgoers, and 80% Nudist/Purist FAGGOTS with the occasional naked woman. Of the nude population, 70% are fully naked, 29% are kickin' it like Whinnie the Pooh (just a shirt on but nothing below), and 1% are unattractive women. Resting within the population of [all white or maybe Mexican] nudey tootie frooties, "Here and Queer" Richard Simmons walks around in his his naked girth, sporting a white visor and carrying a half full can of beer. Every day, he walks around the beach, flopping around in his sodamy-hungover broccoli hair, and socializing with his fellow gays. If you see him in any way, shape, or form, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN before he jizzes all over you. -How to tell if it is really him: He is short and stalky with a boner and a chapped white ass, clad in a bleach white visor and sporting a beer. He was also found in a dumpster after his daily workout routine, playing with his favourite toys woody and buzz whilst listening to gangster rap.
