Dick van Dyke
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“Heh.. Heh.. He said Dick.. Heh Heh”
~ Butthead
“Heh Heh.. Oh yeah.. Heh Heh Heh...”
~ Beavis
“WHAT van WHAT?!”
~ Your Mom on Dick van Dyke
Dick Van Dyke or Dyke Van Dick was born Penis Multipurposevehicle-Lesbian in 1823. Early in his career, an agent recommended that he change his name. In retrospect this was a bad idea. Recent computer simulations reveal that his career would have been 34% more successful had he retained his original name.
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[edit] The Early Years
After serving in the Navy in World War II, Van Dyke returned home to Pennsylvania and married Oprah Winfrey. They had three children, all of whom grew up to be alcoholics. Winfrey and Van Dyke soon divorced. Ms Winfrey later remarried Dr. Phil. Van Dyke started out as a chimney sweep, but always had an interest in acting. In 1949, he left to move to Hollywood.
[edit] Hollywood
Van Dyke was soon hired by Walt Disney as a security guard. He went around with a crowbar breaking the kneecaps of any Disney employees who tried to form a union, were Communists, or were Jews. His lucky break came during the filming of "Mary Poppins." Mary Poppins was originally called "Pimple Poppins" and was a story about a guy who like to pop his pimples. Cast with Mickey Rooney as the pimpled chimney sweep, it didn't do well in early audience tests and was extensively re-written. Rooney decided to abandon the project so Walt Disney had to find a replacement quickly. Van Dyke (still Multipurposevehicle-Lesbian at the time) was the first person Disney saw, so he got cast in the role as the singing sweep. His name change was part of the deal.
[edit] The Dick Van Dyke Show
After his success in Hollywood, Van Dyke decided to work on the small screen. He was cast in the Dick Van Dyke show, playing husband of Rhoda Morgenstern. In the show, he worked for Hugh Grant writing comedy, drinking, and paying off cops who saw activities that the public need not know of such as him working as a shoe shiner. The show ran for 34 seasons, making it the longest running show after Bowling For Dollars.
[edit] Censorship
Because of the show's unfortunate name, re-runs began to be censored in 2006 as seen in the clip below. This act of censorship was reportidly incited by Qhahog resident Peter Griffin.
[edit] Recent Days
Van Dyke is well preserved because his blood is 97% alcohol. He's still lumbering around Hollywood, writing tell-all books about his relations with Oprah Winfrey.
Also he is thought to be 1/8 responsible for the September 11th attacks along with his step sonLex Luthor.
His womb currently provides a home for supervillian Hellmo.
