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“If you die, you will cease to live.”

~ Captain Obvious on Death

“In Soviet Russia, cold go YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on Death

people that spam die......... Death is the former delicate art of revealing ones hatred to others by terminating his/her/heshe's life.

Death is an anthropomorphic personification of the event of life discontinuance. Death is also God's personal way of telling you "you are wanted." However, nobody ever remembers it, unless your death was really cool, and if someone remembers the words, they cannot spell them. Dying is something you do in Las Vegas while at the same time losing your money. It involves the manipulation of small white plastic cubes with moving pictures on them. Though you may not know it, death is the cure for life.

Contents 1 Background 2 Shapes of Death 3 Incarnations of Death 3.1 Death is also: the end of your life; the final shrug off the mortal coil; the best (okay, maybe not) and last thing you will ever do 4 World's Leading Causes of Death 5 Symptoms of death 6 Ways of Preventing Death 7 Phrases spoken before death 8 Ways of soliciting a relationship with Death. 9 Having a Funeral 10 Life After Death 11 Trivia 12 And finally... 12.1 See also

[edit] Background

Once upon a time in a small small small small small village outside of Athens, Ohio (where Death grew up), she was found guilty of murder. A random horse-person of the apocalypse, Death (not to be confused with Mos Def) has since retired, and is unliving her unlife out on the green, though she did not did too did not did too did not did too did not enjoy her stint as Armageddon's manager and is currently under Andy Warhol's - her husband of 24 years - command. Early in her career, she slept with John F. Kennedy, leading to the birth of his illegitimate son, Axl Rose of Guns N' Roses. In recent times, commonality of her image has forced her to change her stature for something different in order to attract less attention. She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs. Lawful Evil. Has some samurai-like aspects.

Death enjoys golf, baseball, warm cups of tea, reading novels by Stephen King, dark clothing, dark colours and the occasional canary. Death also enjoys eating small children, having sex with squirrels (she would do snakes, but the tongue thing they do freaks her out) long walks on Gods living room floor, and necrophelia. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in her old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch. Death has rejected claims by others that she is goth and/or emo.

[edit] Shapes of Death

The most classic form of Death is not that of an old man holding a 12-gauge, or of a madwoman with a meat cleaver. Nor is it that time-honoured guise as a cheerful, helpful person with a black robe, who always has a scythe, ready to help someone clear away the hedge/neighbour/granny. No, it is the much more sinister disguise known as: kitten. Yes, kittens are the favourite shape of death as it comes to suck up your life's essence, your soul, and your french onion soup. Always beware the approach of the deadly, furry, multi-clawed tool of destruction. Nothing can stop Death in dis guise, nothing can kill it, except for a bowling ball inscribed with "HMJ", found in the Simpson's Treehouse of Horror episode. And maybe a can of scented spray.

[edit] Incarnations of Death

First of all, if you really want to see what death looks like, kill yourself. Second, Death[tm] is a copyright of God, and copy protection prevents humans from being believed whenever they describe death. Finally, death in The Sims doesn't count! These are persons or things claiming to be incarnations of death. They probably aren't. The probability that such alleged incarnations are false can easily be proved:

1. Choose a dead person of your choice. (DO NOT choose any dead person who is not your choice. This is a bad choice, or, actually, a bad non-choice.)
2. Ensure you remember his death

Can you remember it?

• NO: go back to step 1, choose anyone else. Try until you come up with someone whose death you can remember. Be patient, boy. Or girl.
• YES: go on, stupid. Nothing to see here.

1. Recall her or his death.

Was he or she killed by someone claiming to be Death?

• NO: You see, there is no such thing as a true incarnation of death.
• YES: You see, there is such a thing as a true incarnation of death.

Because this all depends on your ability to remember someone else's death, it is all false. Therefore the idea of an incarnation of death is false as well. So please, to make sure this problem is settled, try to always carry a camera whenever you think you will die so you can take a picture of the possible true incarnation of death.

It is rumoured that one such incarnation of death is a skeletal Fish with enough power to destroy entire cities. This theory is ignored by most sane people.

This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

So just simplify it:

• Are you dead?
• No, you aren't, stupid. How could you read this if you were dead?
• Did you get killed?
• No, you didn't, stupid. How could you read this?
• So, you haven't been killed by anyone claiming to be the incarnation of death.
• The classical logical fallacy: No-one who reads this can be dead, therefore no-one has been killed by an incarnation of death.
• Therefore: Incarnations of death are harmless.
• Conclusion: Never Trust Anyone Who Doesn't Say He's Death^®
• Precautions to take: Kill everything cute / innocent looking around you. Kittens are especially dangerous, but they have lots of uses as well.

[edit] Death is also: the end of your life; the final shrug off the mortal coil; the best (okay, maybe not) and last thing you will ever do

You probably won't like death. This is largely because you don't expect to like it. However, if someone else dies:

1. You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
2. You can then play with your new stuff.
3. One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
4. They will have no children. That means that you won't have to pay as much "education" tax.
5. They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
6. They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
7. You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
8. There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
9. Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
10. If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
11. No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
12. Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
13. If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs
14. If you're in a war and all you your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!

[edit] World's Leading Causes of Death

Group	Cause	Percent  of deaths	Deaths per 100,000 per year
			All	Male	Female
Life	Life	100.00	A lot	Some	Some
Apocalypse	God/Chuck Norris	29.34	268.8	259.3	278.4
Ghetto	Drive-by shootings (% hits are less than .001)	19.12	175.2	185.1	165.1
Ghetto	50 Cent	12.64	115.8	121.4	110.1
Obvious	Communism	12.55	1315.6	134.9	108.7
Natural	Falling from a Hummer H1	12.49	114.4	126.9	101.7
Disease	Super Ronald Syndrome	9.66	88.5	81.4	95.6
Natural	Raped by Madonna	6.95	63.7	63.5	63.8
An Hero	Wii incident	6.81	62.4	62.2	62.6
An Hero	Being Hit With A Sword By Your Own Party Member In A Tragic Case Of Mistaken Identity	6.81	62.4	62.2	62.6
Crime	"Pow"ed in Iran	6.81	62.4	62.2	62.6
Sex	Death by crushed Pelvises	6.49	59.5	61.1	57.9
Gun Shot	Blown up with up to 6 or 7 other people in a bazooka explosion	6.34	55.8	55.8	63.3
Natural	Snakes on a Plane	6.23	57.0	73.7	40.2
Old Age	Living over 900 years or losing your marbles, or both.	5.49	59.5	61.1	57.9
War	World of Warcraft	4.87	44.6	46.2	45.0
Torture	Listening to a 47-minute version of Freebird in G chord by Deep South Death Metal band called Racehorse Piss.	4.56	44.2	46.1	44.7
War	Saddam's non-existent weapons of mass destruction	4.37	43.6	43.2	42.0
Hunting	Going hunting with your drunk friend and with Dick Cheney.	8.37	45.6	12.2	50.0
Pedicides	Stubbing your toe.	2.64	22.2	2.0	78.5
Wands	Accidentally casting magic while drunk. (For Instance Voldemort)	2.64	22.2	2.0	78.5

Source: World Health Organization, 2004, when having fun over beer and marijuana.

[edit] Symptoms of death

• Meeting the acquaintance of certain unpleasantly slimy worms and bugs
• Your head being separted from your body
• internal organs becoming external organs
• Losing your score and having to wait 90 seconds before respawning.
• Body swelling up like a balloon
• Implosive Diarrhea
• Explosive Farting
• Stiffening of appendages (although this may only result in a 'little death') (this may or may not include the penis)
• Necrophiliacs being attracted to you
• Inexplicable dandruff (again, debatable)
• Body parts no longer connected to your body
• Some people say your nose keeps growing, but that's a myth. It's actually commencing the launch sequence.
• Going to Catholic grade school
• Sexual reluctance
• A tendency towards rotting
• You cannot support the organs falling out of you.
• Experiencing a Brainsplurge
• Tendency to become quiet, withdrawn and buried underground.
• Loss of appetite
• Feelings of discomfort
• More re-runs of "Monk" than usual
• Huge loss of car keys
• Eternal damnation
• Being pronounced dead
• Semi-eternal damnation (like a trip to a really smelly nursing home)
• Lack of Penis (Only applies to males and messed up females)
• Small red dot, or "laser sight" visible on clothing
• Numbness
• In extreme cases, death
• Large all encompassing white light
• A rotting smell
• You live in Barnstaple
• Raining Fire, massive flooding, locusts, bloody bats, demons, and more Leslie Nielson movies
• Inability to live
• Sufficient weight loss and, in cases of decomposition, uber weight loss (death is a good way for obese or "fatty" people to lose weight)
• Sudden curing of the habit of consuming oxygen
• Waking up in a morgue
• Waking up deadish
• Uber PWNage
• Notable decrease in social interaction.
• Lack of Internet access
• Scoring below a 0 on a IQ test
• Loss of eyesight
• Saggy tits (applies to men only and Janet Jackson)
• Lack of motor skillz
• Your family getting insurance money
• You have one or more bullet holes through your body
• Failure to respawn
• People stop making jokes about video game lingo, and you feel great, and the world becomes dreamlike, as if you were just born.
• Unexplainable pitchfork in ass
• Urge to feast on human brain (only applicable to people experiencing zombie like situations pre-death such as voodoo sufferers, hex targets, and sunday mass goers)
• Pissing off Chuck Norris
• Being chased by Scarab Beetles
• You suddenly notice that your burning (does not apply if having sex)
• Noticing that you have an urge to watch The Gilmore Girls and eat fudge.
• Loss of limbs
• loss of organs
• Any signs of AIDS
• Decapitation in an elevator door
• Your barbeque exploding
• Holding a grenade for more than one minute
• A painful inability to live
• Being visited by death
• All of sudden knowing everything you needed to know about how you could have prevented your death
• You will remain a virgin...
• You suddenly have 72 virgins next to you
• Being in the presence of Chuck Norris
• Being in the presence of Chuck Norris jokes
• Being surrounded by dozens of virgins, but they're all fat and ugly so you know why they're virgins
• All of a sudden your meals have very large portions, and you don't get full
• Type 2 Diabetes
• A blanket is inexplicably over your head
• sticking a piece of dynamite in your ass thinking it will make you run faster
• getting hit by a dodge
• swollowing a mothball by accident because you thought it was a cherry
• Realizing you were a dumb ass
• Image:Example.jpg

[edit] Ways of Preventing Death

• Don't breathe air. Seriously. Everyone born before 1870 breathed the substance at some point in their life and every one of them is dead today. A coincidence? I think not.
• Don't drink water. Grim will take out your insides with a yellow fluid flowing towards your intestines through either a femenine or masculine genitalia. Scientists are tricking into thinking this is only a simple thing called "urination" but do not fall for it. Do not die!
• Same reason for not injecting dihydrogen monoxide!!!! IT KILLS!!
• Do not run. Running makes your heart go faster. Fast hearted people have all ended up lying down on a bed breathing heavily.Is it part of exercise, or is it Death's Strategy?
• Don't go outside. Just stay indoors your entire life and make no contact with the outside world. Also, try to pick a spot that won't likely have a car crash into it or will catch fire.
• Don't stay at home. 100% of all household accidents happen inside the home
• Don't sleep, most people die in bed.
• Get plenty of rest, most people need at least 8 hours of sleep. Those who don't get the sleep they need are more accident-prone.
• Use magic to kill death. (Remember that death leaves after taking 100 health)
• Pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
• Build a customised Wal Mart and live in a sterile environment for the rest of your life. This is called the 'Bubble Theorem' — clinically proven to ruin your life. There is a drawback, however. Users may suffer from mental problems after an average of 40 minutes in the bubble due to limited interaction with the outside world. This should in no way directly affect longevity. The concept behind this: quantity over quality.
• Become a non-corporeal entity and ascend to a higher level of existence. Prayer might actually help with this. Also, pleading with aliens from the pentagon.
• You could always try to look for Palpatine.
• Stay away from the tall grass. Those Pokemon are some crazy motherfuckers.
• Cryogenically freeze yourself. (If cryogenics are not cheap enough yet, try your freezer.)
• Positive thinking.
• Be in a K-serial.
• Kick Adrian Lozano in the balls
• Suicide; you can't die if you're already dead.
• Hit yourself with a bat in the crotch
• Make a wild jump in the air and land on Pedro Iga`s balls with the metal boots of Zelda.
• Make Michael santos cry(very easy)
• Masturbation.
• Join Voldemort.
• Being on Santa's nice list.
• Don't piss off Chuck Norris.
• Avoid being born. A bit obvious, isn't it?
• Have a White Mage in your party at all times.
• Soulstone yourself every 30mins
• Roll Shaman
• Become a zombie, well, technically you have to die first for this, but it's only temporary, the only things you then have to worry about are your limbs rotting off and anyone with Van Helsing/ Ving Rhames in their name.
• Move at 99.9999999999999% the speed of light at all times.
• Quicksave before the start of a new level, as there is no autosave.
• Circumcise yourself with butter knives while watching midget porn.
• Ctrl-Alt-Del.
• Eat Chick-Fil-A on Sunday, the forbidden day!
• Smoke marijuana and lift weights; even death can't beat a buff stoner.
• Go gay and death will be either too scared to go near you or want you more.
• Start Banana-ing the platypus (wrap crystal meth and marijuana in some toilet paper, dip it in Tylenol and then eat it)
• Befriend MRSA
• Ask somebody who has died plenty of times how they think you could avoid dying
• find 7 dragonballs and wish for a 4 pack of life
• beat the shit out of your cat
• Be an old soldier, that way, you'll just fade away.
• Find all the heart containers.
• Feed your soul to your dog(if you don't have a dog get one).
• Get blessed by Chuck Norris.
• Praise The Great Arch Foodle, Lord of the Sacred Crotch.
• Bow down to Gene Simmons.

But the most surefire way of preventing death is the following: Find and collect any of the following: an exact replica of your face or head, a trademark piece of clothing that you constantly wear, your personal logo, or a green-spotted mushroom. Items such as these can either be found unprotected or in a container (such as a box, block, bubble, or monitor).

Such items are also usually found in places that can only be reached by wall-jumps, secret passages/ladders/vines, consecutive jumps, summoning the ghost of Thomas Jefferson, and other needlessly annoying and repetitive jumping maneuvers. If you see one out in the open, you are advised to stay away from it, as it is most likely a trap which will cause you to die instead. However, if you are a daredevil or otherwise stupid person, you may attempt to grab it only if you are prepared to run like hell from anything you could possibly think of. If you are unsuccessful, and death is imminent, be sure that, at all costs, you must obtain the item immediately preceding death. As a result, you will spontaneously respawn in a nearby location, none worse for the wear.

Upon collection, one or more of the following strange phenomena should occur: a pleasant chime or a short-riff of your theme song playing from no discernible source or the characters "1-up" spontaneously materializing and vanishing.

If none of these items are accessible to you (n00b), there is an alternative method available to cheat death. If you look around, you should notice conspicuous, floating items that are all of a similar quality (i.e., featureless coins, rings, triangular chips). They are often colored gold to signify their importance. The aforementioned method to avoiding death is to collect exactly 100 of these items. It is important that you do not touch anything even potentially dangerous in the process, as you risk losing all amassed items in one fell swoop. Once you have collected 100 of these items, the same phenomena which occur upon collecting one of the all-powerful items you were too lazy and/or weak to get should occur. Additionally, you may suddenly lose all 100 of the items you collected, but don't fret, because when this happens, it is only a confirmation that it has worked, effectively shielding you from death.

[edit] Phrases spoken before death

“'I have achieved IMMORTALITY!' ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Death

“I am not afraid to keep on living”

~ Gerard Arthur Way of MCR before dying of a heart attack from the flash of a camera of a concealed paparazzi. on Death

“I shall live and die at the same time, then I can't die, but I'm still alive.”

~ Schroedinger's Cat on death

“I REGRET NOTHING! I HAVE LIVED WHERE FEW MEN HAVE DARED TO DREAM!”

~ random ass religious grunt in RVB on death

“So... death eh... interesting...”

~ Cab on quoting to much Oscar Wilde

“I think I'm becoming a god!”

~ some Roman emperor that my history teacher told me about

I wonder what this button does..... NO Wait if I press this button now all logicality in sitcom moments declare that I shall die in an amuzing and budget expending way. No I shall not press this button and no-one can make me. (Two minutes later he is hit by a giant meteorite that kills only him because it's so small it was unrecognizable as a meteorite, in that case I should probably just call it a piece of rock. In fact this piece of rock could have just flung up from a passing car and struck him in the brain instead of the totally unbelievable incident of a meteorite being so small that it's unrecognizable from a rock that had been struck up from a car and the fact that the small meteorite SOMEHOW found its way right to that man and only that man and to strike him in the brain). (We are all clear that he's dead though aren't we? Good, just checking).

[edit] Ways of soliciting a relationship with Death.

Should you ever find that you're looking for more stability, but you find yourself too awesome to commit suicide, you can bait death into a healthy relationship through one of the following, more impressive methods:

• Going to United States of America.
• Piss a mod or admin.
• Touching a poisoned swing set.
• Fighting a Robocop with a stick. Whether you have the stick or the Robocop has the stick is irrelevant.
• Messing with Republicans.
• Joining the navy.
• Say you are the Lord Jesus Christ and that the only way to get to heaven is a blowjob and a couple bucks.
• Deep flossing
• Joining a cult.
• Attempt to eat a shotgun...a loaded shotgun
• Being where it is pitch black.
• Hunting with Dick Cheney.
• Depict Mohammed in a political cartoon
• Question Al Gore.
• Challenge a ninja
• Being ganked on World of Warcraft
• Excessive Masturbation
• Steal a suicide bomber's virgins.
• Playing in traffic.
• Bum-rush Chuck Norris.
• Wannna die happily? Drink alcohol. Once you get drunk you will go to heaven. Don't believe me? Once drunk, you will fall asleep and when you are asleep you do not do anything wrong (except wet the bed). So nothing wrong was done, where other place would you go? Heaven. Die well and get drunk!

[edit] Having a Funeral

After you have died, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" whihc continues to grow and will only stop when the people are to far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally unadvised as it has been shown that such cereomonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I am sorry that your relative and/or co-worker has died". If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different (evil) religions use. There is a rumour that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day (29th November 2007) funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favorite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

[edit] Life After Death

Over the course of history, many evil people have questioned the nature of what happens after Death. In recent years, it has become widely accepted in the Scientific Community that 60% of all human beings will go to the Christian Hell after Death. The remaining 40% will probably go to hell as well, making the concept of death a dirty, dirty paradox. These misled people include politicians, oil executives, annoying red links that don't work and Homeless people. The Muslim hell, which is black as coal and which takes a rock 72 years to fall through, isn't available because demons have trouble finding their way around. There is also a Jewish Hell, but that's just Jerusalem's old garbage dump shifted into another dimension. Heaven also exists, but so far Disney owns it and wants to turn it into Afterlife Disneyland.

[edit] Trivia

• Death was actually invented by the Japanese in 1998, before then people didn't die unless they ate cake while walking backwards.

• In 2007 Pope John Paul 2.0 found a cure to death but then died. Sir Snoop Dogg was heard to say "Ironizzle bitch!"

• Death has no skills with the ladies. He just kills them and... you know.

• Death was beaten in Battleship, Tabletop football, Clue, and Twister by Bill and Ted.

• Spike Speigal dies at the end of Cowboy Bebop. Oh right. Spoiler alert.

• Contrary to popular belief, it is physically impossible to die in a car accident.

• The highly controversial anti-death injections are legal only in Romania.

• Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

• Sailing on either the "Nina, Pinta, or Santa Maria" with Mr. Colubus while he is "out of the closet" is a big no-no!

• While unskilled with the ladies, Death has been known to occasionally play a game of poker with some of his friends (Famine and the lads).

• It's highly likely that you will die while climbing the Stairway To Heaven

[edit] And finally...

To put this extremely long article in shorter, more scientific terms, death is fun. Watch out for an hero, however.

[edit] See also

• Top 10 ways to die
• HowTo:Make a Four Year Old Laugh
• HowTo: Commit The Perfect Murder
• Catrina
• Dead
• True Pain
• Life

Preceded by: Pepsi

President of Television 1953 - 1956

Succeeded by: James Bond