Diet Coke
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“Diet Coke is People!!! Wait a minute...”
~ Charlton Heston on Diet coke.
“Drink Diet Coke and you will NEVER GET LAID!!”
~ Dr.Sex MD on Diet Coke
“Yes you will.”
~ Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Diet Coke
“Slut”
~ Dr.Sex MD on Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Diet Coke
“Wanker”
~ Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Diet Coke
“Shut up whore”
~ God on Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Paris Hilton on Dr.Sex MD on Diet Coke
Diet coke, a Class D controlled substance, has been secretly brewed for hundreds of years. Although the precise recipe is a closely guarded secret, a key ingredient appears to be shredded copies of Vogue magazine that have been copiously cried over. It was originally engineered to combat the most harmful consequence of cocaine use: becoming chunky.
This is all a lie
Contents |
[edit] History
Diet Coke is first mentioned in Troilus and Cressida, Act 2 Scene 4. At the time it was viewed as an evil beverage, insofar as dieters of the era were frequently mistaken for carriers of wasting diseases and thus burned.
Some people do believe that it was Diet Jesus who first invented Diet coke, but this theory has yet to be proved.
The following exchange occurs between Diomedes, a Pyllian soldier battling against the Trojans, and Nestor, leader of the Pyllians:
Diomedes: "How his silence drinks in the applause! Why, it must be the Diet Coke what makes him so thin!"
Nestor: "All the taste, half the calories -- yet all the weight loss treatments of Arabia will not remove this spare tyre from my middle regions."
During the 1770s, American Revolutionaries, disguised in a cowardly fashion as Native American women and Children, dumped an entire British cargo ship full of Diet Coke into Boston Harbor. When told that the beverage had been diluted by millions of gallons of seawater, the colonial governor is reported to have said "Who could tell the fucking difference, any way?"
[edit] The Twentieth Century
The creation of Diet Coke became a major industry during the early years of the century, particularly in the American South, where it was frequently used as a fuel to power primitive automobiles, electrified bicycles, and comical airplanes whose only purpose seems to have been to amuse future generations.
During the jazz age, Diet Coke, like alcohol, was subject to prohibition, and, also like alcohol, was thereafter controlled by members of organized crime syndicates. The tradition continues to this day -- Coke's current president, the palindromically named Neville Isdell, is also a mid-level enforcer for the Tetrazzini crime family (his nickname is "The Chicken"). Connections to the mob underworld can also be glimpsed in Diet Coke's mid-1980s advertising slogan, "Drink it or we'll bury you under the goal post in Giants Stadium."
Children are introduced to Diet Coke at the beverage's enormous theme park near Athens, GA -- Coketopia. The park is full of delights sure to amuse children, including characters such as Alvie Aspartame, Dennis DL-PhenylAlanine, and Peter Potassium Benzoate. Rides abound as well -- the Jitterer, a free-standing chamber which vibrates uncontrollably for anywhere between fifteen seconds and sixty two hours, and Johnny's Journey Back from Diabetic Lassitude, a realistic journey through an obese twelve year old's bloodstream.
Millions of people died in 2005 and 2006 from drinking diet coke and eating mentos- at the same time. All of these people deserved to die.
[edit] The Future
Diet Coke will be replaced in 2007 by Diet Diet Coke, which has no calories, no carbonation, no color, no odor, and no taste. The drink will be so devoid of nutritional value that drinking it will actually create a black hole within its host's body, absorbing all the solid matter and expelling it into a part of the universe many thousands of light years away that you really shouldn't go to, even in army boots. It will marketed with a hip advertising capaign, thus condemning all mankind to eternal damnation.
[edit] For God's Sake, Why?
Theologians, philosophers and psychoanalysts have been long perplexed by the popularity of this beverage (the 4th most popular soft drink in the world after Coke, beer and unsanitary water (especially popular in third world countries)).
Some have theorised that the combination of saccharine, acesulfame-potassium and low grade kittens produces a mind-altering substance, similar to home shopping advertisements or Oprah Winfrey.
Others have scoffed at these theories and suggested that the attraction is its creamy smooth flavour combined with low fat levels (these are usually Coca-Cola executives).
Interestingly enough, the drink is primarily consumed by fatties.
[edit] So, can you explain why it taste like shit?
Well, infact, thats what it is, shit, put into a blender, add some caffien, cocaine, and shipped to hundreds of countries all around the world. Yum? I believe so.
[edit] No, seriously for a second, what IS Diet Coke?...
Though pondered by many Scientists, it has been theorized that the original Diet Coke was the blended shit of the Incredible Hulk and the nuclear waste of the server systems that run the popular MMO Warcraft. Though that being impossible, for Warcraft IS shit, therefor, and here after, waste BEING the shit, the shit IS the waste. Thus only proving the point shit IS waste, and the waste of shit would undoubtedly only be more shit, aka waste. With that being said, it was concluded that Diet Coke, is what we thought it was all along, thanks to it's taste, just syrupy piss water.
Thierry Henry is even allergic to the shit!!
