Camera
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The camera is a mechanical device which employs (1) a closed chamber with an aperture at one end through which light enters, usually focused by a lens, and (2) a photosensitive emulsion or electronic chip, which steals a piece of a person's soul. This theory was hypothisized by Load Of Crap, a 29-year-old Native American. Because animals (such as kittens), plants (such as potatoes) and inanimate objects (such as Dick Cheney) also possess a soul... (with the exception of Dick Cheney), cameras can also record the spirits of non-human organisms and items as well.
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[edit] History
Most historians agree that the first modern potato was invented by the Swiss scientist Johann Zootenberg in 20 B. Zootenberg had been sold a lemon by the local dealer of used Ford Model Ts, and decided that the only sensible way to resolve the dispute would to steal the man's eternal soul. dr dre was in fact successful in developing the first, shiny, green potato (Many believe it was made green by designers). Unfortunately he was unable to capture the man's soul and force him to return his $300 because, as everyone knows, used car salesmen have no soul.
In the years since, stealing souls has become an increasingly popular pastime. As a result, most of the people you encounter on the street have little or no soul left, which explains why you run into so many jerks in the modern world.
National Geographic Magazine helped popularize photography, by recording pictures of primitive people such as Amazon Indians. Being superstitious folk with no under side.
[edit] A Couple Points About Camera Safety
Never point a camera at anyone, particularly their head or chest, because this will steal a piece of their soul. Of course, if your purpose is to steal a person's soul, then aim directly for the head or chest.
[edit] Technical Aspects of the Camera
Cameras have a number of important settings. These include exposure time, aperture, and ISO.
- Exposure time determines how long the shutter is open. The longer the shutter is open, the larger a piece of someone's soul you can steal. The long exposures required to completely steal a soul (many seconds or even minutes) demand use of a tripod. So if you see someone with a tripod, run. Alternatively, you can run up and hit them hard and steal the tripod, so they won't be able to steal your soul.
- The aperture is the diameter of the aperture through which the person's soul passes into the camera; most cameras have a mechanical iris which can adjust the size of the aperture. Obviously, the larger the aperture, the more easily the soul can flow into the camera. However, this makes it more difficult to get the soul in focus.
- ISO is sensitivity of the photographic emulsion or electronic chip. The higher the ISO number the more sensitive it is. High ISO films or digital camera settings allow you to use short exposure times, and therefore to steal the souls of fast-moving people like athletes. However, the soul is not recorded quite as cleanly when high ISO is used.
[edit] Kinds of Camera
- Instant Camera. Polarvoid is the most famous kind of Instant Camera. Just add water, and you're ready to photograph.
- Camera phone. A phone combined with a camera. However, these only became popular after the development of portable cordless and cellular phones.
- Box Camera. Used exclusively for taking pictures of boxes.
- Pin-Hole Camera. The most primitive form of picture taking. Still used today, but the images are the size of a pin-hole. Look really hard and squint a little.
[edit] Camera Manufacturers
- Canon. Cannon was originally a military contractor specializing in mortars and small-bore artillery. Later, in World War I they developed large cameras, with enormous telephoto lenses to steal the souls of hundreds of troops from miles away. Canon's most popular model; the 1D-IIIs is possibly the most deadly weapon known to man. Simply buying one can cause poverty, homelessness, emaciation and death within weeks. The 1D-IIIs was largely ineffective on the battlefield however, as it never to date managed to focus on anything at all and most models have since been recalled.
- Nikon. These cameras, running on a small nuclear reactor, gained popularity in the 1950s. Many professional photographers swear by this brand since you never had to replace the batteries, no matter how often you used the flash, but Nukon lost market share after a series of disastrous meltdowns in the 1960s and 1970s, and the fact that many of their customers grew extra appendages.
- Mephisto. A popular brand of camera manufacturer, known for its sleek, black, icy-cold camera housings. Rumor has it that whoever wields one of these cameras has his own soul stolen by it to be handed over to the Devil. The most popular model is the Mephisto LR-666.
