Dimebag Darrell
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Dimebag Darrel (AKA Jesus) was the savior of the world.
“You better walk.”
~ Dimebag
“If I Could have done one thing before I was crucified It would have been to see Dime play live. Then get loaded and go to a strip club with him afterwards.”
~ Jesus Christ on Dimebag Darrell
“It's sad. These days, I think a lot of kids don't even know who Dimebob Squarepants was.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dimebag Darrell
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[edit] He Lived
He was raised and trained by Genghis Khan after his parents were slaughtered by Genghis Khan, who decided that he didn't look good enough to eat. However, the great Khan is often quoted as stating, "In retrospect, I really shoulda eaten that boy." Genghis taught him the ways of shredding on guitar after young Darrell displayed an early talent for the kazoo, an intrument of the Mongolian culture sometimes utilized to summon demons and irritate people. His barbarian upbringing among the Mongol Hordes also insured his skills in warfare and combat, and he quickly rose through the ranks. However after spending a long time in Genghis Khan's service raping and pillaging and raping a second time, Dimebag decided to pursue a career in music, and left his adopted Mongolian brethren to go forth and rock you like a hurricane. He had an extremely large penis.
[edit] He Died Once
Unfortunately a bad sense of direction and an ignorance regarding the yearly caribou migration resulted in Dimebag's death later that day. He was resurrected in 1966 by a gypsy magus who found his trampled corpse encased in ice in Siberia. The maji also gifted him with the ability to spew fiery boiling oils from his mouth and nose, which he did mostly because he thought would be, quote, "wicked sick", which is a reasoning responsible for the vast majority of the actions of maji in general. Later this would prove to be a difficult to control bodily function, but the maji remains unapologetic.
The above statement may or may not be true. As other sources indicate, after a night of hard grunting, Dime got the munchies for some toast. He put the bread in, and as it began to cook, he leaned in closer for a good sniff. Unfortunately, due to his hairy disposition on his face, his beard got caught in the toaster, and caught fire and electrocuted Dime. He then fell over, into the kitchen sink. Never to be seen again.......
[edit] He Rocked
With a new chapter of life opening up before him, Dimebag decided to go to Texas, which of course is the last place in the world where a resurrected, unfrozen Mongolian warlord can truly be himself and live freely without persecution. It was here that he formed the band Pantera in 1982 with three other like-thinking rock monstrocities. Pantera stormed the countryside raping and pillaging and raping a second time until their eventual breakup in 2001 due to Phil and his in-ability to not be a total wanker.
[edit] He Died Again
Dimebag was killed in December of 2004, during a performance with his new band Damageplan by some faggot named Nathan Gale, who was actually a tool of satan himself. Not many people know exactly why The king of Hell and damnation would want to do such a thing, but it is believed that the Devil, who was very proud of his abilities was jealous and told Dime that if he didn't hand over his abilities, he would steal his soul. Knowing full well that if Satan had Dime's mega face-melting playing ability he would take over the world so he politly said no. However Once Dime was killed Jesus saved his soul and Satan was fucking pissed off. Chuck Norris appeared, and the battle between the two destroyed the universe.
[edit] Factoidal Anomalies
Dimebag was a noted friend and ally of fellow barbarian instrumentalist and homicidal viking, Zakk Wylde.
[edit] Factoids
Dimebag was a frequent promoter of the straight edge lifestyle. And a heavy drug user. Dimebag liked to set fire to cats. Repeatedly. Dimebag was also a chronic Kitten Huffer. He also tried huffing a full grown cat. But it didn't turn out so well. Dimebag is going to be a boss in Guitar Hero 3. But in the Wii Version, you have to smash the wii-mote into your face an infinite number of times instead of using the fake guitar.
