Dinesh Maneyapanda
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“Tears are the best lubricant”
~ Dinesh Maneyapanda on woman
“I am never getting hired again”
~ Dinesh Maneyapanda on this article
“Sometimes a guy just wants to take an unexpected plowing”
~ Dinesh Maneyapanda on life
In his eight-year tenure with Princeton Consultants, Dinesh Maneyapanda has focused his efforts on leading the design and development of workflow and technology solutions. Dinesh has broad experience in HR best practices, where he has also helped streamline and improve the human capital management processes in diversified companies, including financial services. Dinesh graduated cum laude from Princeton University with a BSe in Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering. He is also currently Chairman of his undergraduate "eating club," a channel that allows him to pursue academic interests and reconnect with alumni. Dinesh also raped a spider monkey.
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[edit] Dinesh's Early Childhood
Dinesh was born on February 29th 1972 in Bangalore, India to an English mother and Indian father. His mother was an illegal immigrant with webbed feet working the swing shift at a convenience store and his father was world famous Bollywood entertainment lawyer, Pragnesh Goldstein. Growing up in the English Slums of India was extremely difficult for Dinesh, his curly red hair and huge pupiless eyes naturally garnered him the nickname "Joey Pack of Hotdogs". Daily beatings at the hands of Jains forced Dinesh to become a master of martial arts, his father taught him the ancient Indian art of Karate (not to be confused with Karate). Dinesh used his new found abilities to fight crime on the streets of Bangalore under the name Cobra Kai. His exploits later inspired the movie The Breakfast Club.
At the age of 9 (the legal age of consent in India) he was arranged to marry his childhood sweetheart Kelly Maneyapanda (32 years his senior) in a lavish ceremony at the Bangalore Hilton. Like all Indian men, he was completely pussy-whipped into taking his wife's last name. On their wedding night Dinesh silently sobbed into his pillow as his wife performed the most sacred of the positions in the Kama Sutra, Barebacked Buffalo, on him. This left Dinesh's emotionally and anally scarred for years to come. It directly led to an addiction to Preparation H that he continues to battle to this day.
Dinesh immediately went to work in the Web 2.0 sweatshops of Bangalore. He used his minimal knowledge of computer programming to create some of the best loved websites of our time including Wikipedia, Digg and his own personal site. But India was not big enough for Kelly and Dinesh, they demanded more from life and at the ages of 10 and 42 they struck our for America.
[edit] Dinesh Discovers the American Dream
Arriving on the shores on New Jersey the Garden State™ in 1982, Dinesh and Kelly found work harvesting cranberries in the dreaded Cranberry Bogs of Hammonton, NJ. Work they did and they were finally noticed by the owner of the bog, Tony Valenzano who took Dinesh under his wing and into the shadow organization known as The Family.
This impulse to integrate Dinesh into his association emerged once he saw Dinesh beat a young boy for playing with firecrackers and consequently imitating the sound of gun shots. Tony saw that Dinesh had absolutely no inhibitions and a merciless wrath embedded by a sincere loyalty to his boss (Dinesh shields his boss with his own body when the firecrackers are first heard). Dinesh then became one of Tony's most feared enforcers, intimidating and beating up multiple people who owed Tony money as well as acting as Tony's driver.
Dinesh eventually began to fall in love with Tony's wife, Carmela, who also saw him as a dashing, sensitive man — Tony's polar opposite — but the two never truly became romantically entwined. For a time, however, there was significant tension between them. Carmela found excuses to visit Dinesh including assisting him in buying and decorating a house and planning a housewarming, but made sure she was never alone with him. At the housewarming they shared a sexually charged dance.
This tension was evident to Kelly, who left Dinesh shortly thereafter and moved to Scranton, PA where she works in a mid-range paper company. Dinesh realizing that the only way he could survive Carmella was to leave, left the organization and attended Princeton University, where he majored in Aerospace Engineering, because he is an Indian and they are good at math and physics and stuff. But not as good as the Asians.
[edit] Dinesh at Princeton
It was Rush Week 1990 at Princeton, a mediocre school whose motto is "Smart is Gud." Kosovo, Pokemon and Britney Spears are not even blips on the horizon. A 1950s mentality still pervades the campus, typified by the Omegas—the most prestigious, elitist fraternity. At the other end of the spectrum stands the Delta Tau Chi House, a repository for every campus misfit.
Dinesh joined the Delta Tau's garnering the nickname "Fredo". He was joined by what would end up being his best friends for ever (BFF), they were Eric "Otter" Stratton, Donald "Boon" Schoenstein, John "Bluto" Blurtasky, Daniel "D-Day" Day, Larry "Pinto" Kroger and Kent "Flounder" Dorfman. While at school, Dinesh ran afoul of the evil Dean Wormer who had put the Deltas on "double secret probation" for a plethora of offenses, including but not limited too, poor grammar, gambling on Wombat Races and the rape of Crystal Gail Mangum. Dinesh participated in all of these offenses, except the rape as he is rendered impotent if the female is not wearing a bunny suit. It was through the Deltas that Dinesh met the love of his life, the Quadrangle Eating Club.
The Quadrangle Club of Princeton had only two rules. They were:
- Eat as many of God's creation before graduation.
- No gheys. (Note: Dinesh was the first brown man to join the Quadrangle Club)
Dinesh thrived in these environs, his homophobic diatribes while waving roasted Emu wings through the air are legendary in the halls of Princeton. Even after leaving Princeton, Dinesh has hosted "The Annual Matthew Shepard Pig Roast and Gay Bait" with great aplomb.
Dinesh graduated in 1994, cum laude, with his BSc in Aerospace Engineering with a minor in Womyn's Studies.
[edit] Dinesh Since School
Dinesh disappeared shortly after leaving school, leaving a cloned dopelganger in his place at the Princeton Consulting Group. He has surfaced periodically at cock fights and unlicensed boxing matches. His legend has spread like wildfire across the interweb, the following are a list of rumors, some are no doubt true, others are false.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda enters a torpor state when the ambient temp drops below 47 degrees
- Dinesh Maneyapanda has been convicted of smuggling Danish Moneypandas
- Dinesh Maneyapanda once killed a guy for wearing different colored socks
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a notorious stamp counterfeiter
- Dinesh Maneyapanda once ran a three-legged race...by himself
- Dinesh Maneyapanda drives a Hummer that is fueled by puppies and baby seals
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is the world's premier sculptor of erotic sandcastles
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is the whore of Babylon described in Revelations
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is sworn to watch, but to never interfere
- Dinesh Maneyapanda, America's foremost authority on rape, is entirely self-educated on the subject.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda chops down trees on Arbor Day
- Dinesh Maneyapanda can never find a mug with his name on it
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is covered in a coarse wool that is prized among the Sherpa
- Dinesh Maneyapanda adopts one child every year from Africa, then serves the previous year's child to it
- Dinesh Maneyapanda morphs into Dinesh D'Souza when there is a full moon, this is why the two have never been photographed together.
- Dinesh once beat up Warwick Davis. You know the guy from Leprechaun?
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a notorious pickle defiler
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a former NAMBLA paramedic
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a popular leavening agent in Middle Eastern cuisine.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is without sin and therefore DOES cast the first stone.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda holds in the Earth's atmosphere by his will alone, with gravity erroneously receiving the credit.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda was the 'shadow' CFO at Enron, known for stealing candy from babies with Downs Syndrome
- Dinesh Maneyapanda hates Aida at Quiznos
- Prolonged exposure to Dinesh Maneyapanda may lead to coma and possibly death.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a noted whalebone corset enthusiast.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda killed Nicole Brown Simpson
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is immortal. You can only kill him by cutting off his head and stuffing the stump with grape leaves and curry powder
- Dinesh Maneyapanda planned the Janet Jacksonn Superbowl "Breast Reveal"
- Dinesh Maneyapanda was Sony's fictional movie reviewer David Manning
- Dinesh Maneyapanda stole the cookie from the cookie jar
- Dinesh Maneyapanda ist der Führer des Vaterlands
- Dinesh Maneyapanda likes two things: Raising your taxes, and not raping your puppy. So if you vote for him, he won't rape your puppy
- Dinesh is genie looking fucko!
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is having anal sex with my sister
- FBI agents are calling Dinesh Maneyapanda the "19th Hijacker"
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a part time Realtor and used car salesman
- Dinesh Maneyapanda ran a mink farm
- Dinesh Maneyapanda pulled a fast one on the IRS
- Dinesh Maneyapanda runs a brothel
- Dinesh Maneyapanda drives automatic because he can't drive standard
- Dinesh Maneyapanda uses a Mac
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a pseudonym for noted vampire Lestat
- Dinesh Maneyapanda listens to N'Sync and think that Justin is dreamy
- Dinesh Maneyapanda helps remove even the most stubborn dirt and grease stains
- If there is one thing that Dinesh Maneyapanda loves, it is carrots. but, if there are two things that Dinesh Maneyapanda loves, they are carrots and rape
- Dinesh Maneyapanda keeps extra brains strapped to his chest
- Dinesh Maneyapanda has numerous aliases, including, but not limited to: Kaspar Hauser, Mark, S. Morgenstern, Carlos The Jackal, D.B. Cooper, Luke, Rory McCann, Paul Ramon, Alan Smithee, Slut Bunwallah, Pauline Réage, Matthew, Joseph Bennett, N.W. Clerk, and Jim Ohn-Hargrave.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda is a cold, cold fish.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda pays a lot for his muffler.
- Dinesh Maneyapanda took the cookie from the cookie jar.
