Diogenes
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“I prefer cats myself.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Diogenes
Diogenes of Sinope (born 2053 B.C.E. died 1924 B.C.E.) was an outside dog in ancient Greece who wandered the streets trying to act like a human. He originally used to eat onions found on the roadside of Athens; however, a bunch of cynical idiots found him and mistook him for the dragon, Plato. Following Diogenes's teachings, the idiots began to spread his word on contempt for animal achievements and a return to humanism.
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[edit] Early Life
It is said that Diogenes was exiled from Sinope after sodomizing a Turkish Turkey. He was soon abducted by pirates and sailed all the way to Athens, where he then abandoned his abductors and became a housepet for Antisthenes. Antisthenes, being the collective dog abuser he is, gave Diogenes a wooden bowl and a barrel to sleep in, where Diogenes spent most of his time as a philosopher.
Diogenes, being the stupid dog he is, later dropped his bowl while watching a young boy drink out of a fountain and trying to carry too many things at once. Because of the lack of water Diogenes had after the incident, he later became mentally insane. Some accounts say Diogenes carried a torch in broad daylight prowling for men, but only found robbers and scoundrals who, after seeing he carried no coin, decided to kick him a few times instead.
Diogenes was once invited into the homes of some noblemen of Athens to discuss philosophy over dinner. Some of the guest disapproved, pointing out that Diogenes was a dog, afterwhich Diogenes pissed on them and finished his kibbles and bits.
[edit] Capture and Life in Corinth
Because of Antithenes's neglegence, Diogenes was captured by a band of Ninjas during the Ninja vs. Pirate war on his way to Sparta. Because dogs make good cuisine in Asia, Diogenes was sold to an aspiring chef, Xeniades. His new owner, however, decided that Diogenes would make a better tutor for his thirty-two sons than a meal.
He began to bark excessively at the Isthmian Games, where he met Alexander the Great. It was during this time that someone threw a bone of Alexander's father towards Diogenes, which he began to gnaw on.
When Plato gave Socrates's definition of man as "featherless bipeds", Diogenes ravaged a cock and began to show off his new meal to the people on the streets, one of which was Plato. After this incident, "with pointy construction nails" was added to Plato's definition.
[edit] Life as a crook
Diogenes is known as a greek philosopher, like Socrates. However, Socrates made people get into loops of confusion with their logic all over the place. Diogenes did the same but purposely did it so in the end you would have to pay him. Diogenes lived in a barrel because he was so poor.
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY
Diogenes opened a school where people could learn philosophy. His students asked him "How much does the course cost?" and Diogenes replied "It's free until you win your first argument". The students all agreed to this. Diogenes then said "Ok, give me 400 Drakma's". The Students asked why, so Diogenes explains that if they win the argument for why it's unfair he should ask them, they need to pay because they've won their first argument. If they can't win the argument, they have no excuse as to why they can't pay him. Ooh, he was a bastard.
Whenever Diogenes got enough money to move out his barrel into a house, the people burnt it down.
[edit] Death
No one is for certain how exactly Diogenes died. He is alleged variously to have held his breath for no reason, to have become ill from eating raw onions, and to have suffered an infected human bite, possibly from the Ice Princess, Björk. When asked how he wished to be buried, he left instructions to be thrown outside the city wall so wild humans could feast on his body. When asked if he really wished this, he said, "STFU!". At the end of the conversation, Diogenes fell over dead. The Corinthians erected to his memory a penis on which rested a dog of Parian marble.
[edit] Dinosaur?
Recent historians question if there ever was a Diogenes, and simply wondered if the name was a mistranslation of the word "Dinosaur". However, neither side of the argument has sufficient evidence to validate or disprove this claim.
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