Diphthong
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- This article is about an object which is ambiguous in nature. For other uses, see disambiguation.
A diphthong is an unexplainable natural phenomenon, occurring predominantly within written language. A dipthong's appearance within a piece of written text is considered to be a bad omen, and has long led to insanity.
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[edit] History
Nobody is certain of when the diphthong first originated, though its appærances have been traced back as far as 1400, where it was used as a glyph to denote something as being evil. Over time, its use shifted from being a mere warning of evil to imbuing something with evil, and as early as 1777 it was used by Rita Revolta to increase the size of her monsters in order to have them combat the Power Rangers. By 1900, the mere glimpse of a diphthong was recognized as an omen of death for the person who glimpsed it.
Due to the lack of information regarding the origin of the dipthong, there is much speculation as to its creator. The prevalent theory is that the diphthong was created by Oprah, as her birth would have been appropriately timed for the diphthong to have been created by 1400. Those who follow this line of speculation think that the initial diphthong was formed by the shape of a pool of blood spurting from the eyes of someone who saw Oprah wearing a thong, thus the name. Some believe this blood to dissolve clothes, therefore causing one to skinny dip in it, hence the dip.
[edit] Use and Reproduction
Due to the eminent death of those observing dipthongs, it is impossible for the diphthong to be reproduced via the same methods as standard text. Scholars, using prisoners to preserve their own lives, have run experiments and determined that diphthongs are created by the reproduction of two separate vowels. When two vowels, in close proximity, love each other very much, the stork visits them. These two vowels kill and eat the stork, and then proceed to have hot, sweaty, disgusting, often incestuous and sodomistic sex with each other. The results of this abomination against God and mankind is a diphthong resembling its creators. Invariably, this diphthong eats its parents.
[edit] Dipthong Disposal
Wild diphthongs are dangerous, as they are known to cause the death of their observers. When a diphthong is reported in an area, a Dipthong disposal team is called in to destroy the Dipthong. Dressed in riot gear and blindfolded, these specially-trained footsoliders use a flamethrower in order to destroy any traces of the dipthong. Typically, those assigned to this hazardous task in pairs; few survive their first missions. Third-degree burns, not the sight of dipthongs, is the typical cause of death of a Dipthong disposal team member.
[edit] Psychological Effects
Despite precautions taken to avoid the sight of diphthongs within common society, they still have highly detrimental effects on thousands of people each day. According to a study recently published by the Journal of the American Society for Sanity, Psychology, and Other Objectives, those researching information about the diphthong tend to go insane.
The study cited many case studies of those who experienced various symptoms of insanity, including
- Spouses of members of Dipthong Disposal Teams, who intentionally sought out and observed dipthongs
- Well-known mercenaries, whose mere obsession with the word 'dipthong' made them think in yellow boxes
- The author of this article, who committed suicide while institutionalized
- Seven airline pilots, who refuse to eat anything but peanuts in difficult-to-open packages
- Paul Reubens, who felt compelled to watch movies without his pants on
The ultimate effects to exposure of even information about diphthongs is impossible to predict, and experts recommend you learn nothing about dipthongs. Early findings suggest that even a four-paragraph introductory article may be enough to cause hallucinations.ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
