Dirty Harry
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“I'd like to get my hands on his big gun.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dirty Harry
Dirty Harry is a film based around a man named Harold Callahan who uses his tremendous body odour to fight crime ie. to kill everyone within a 1-mile radius of him. "Dirty" Harry Callahan was portrayed by Clint Eastwood, who wanted to avoid being typecast as a weak, peace loving hippy, as he had portrayed them in his last 60 films. Harry used 44 Magnum ice creams fired in quick succession at punks (read as hippys) to paralyse them with an amazing orgasm of taste before shooting them with his gun, a .44 Magnum Nailgun Edition with a special non slip grip in mahogany, to stop him from dropping the gun during one of his excessive perspiration periods.
Harry's life is portrayed in 80 films, telling the story from when he was a sperm right up until the last molecule of his body has decomposed after he was cremated and sent into space. Here is a summary of the character from the not-at-all-in-depth films.
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[edit] Early Life
Harry was born to parents Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef, as they wanted someone to play tea party with them during the lonely nights and lust filled days. Harry was rejected by them however, due to his big gun always getting in the way. He learned how to shoot using his big gun, which he found lying on a table well in the reach of children. He had a pet horse named Punk. Punk was the one who thought Harry how to shoot. They were such good friends, they became psychically connected and Harry used to always know what punk was thinking. It usually involved guns.
[edit] Teenage Years
Harry was an outcast during his teenage years, due to his status as a hall monitor in his high school I'll Kill You And Shit On Your Grave If You Ever Use Guns, Drugs Or Get High School. Harry was once kissed a boy when the boy's severed lips touched him on his cheek. He didn't speak for 4 years after this, which was why he only growled at people from then on. When his voice broke, no one had a clue what he was talking about. He was not allowed to use the phone after and incident in 1963. He called to order a pizza. His breathing was so heavy, the guy who answered the phone believed he was a Peeping Tom and reported him to the police. This was when Harry first noticed the police force. They had such long guns and could shoot anyone they wanted in the name of "protecting the peace". He knew it was the perfect job for him and his beautiful head of hair.
[edit] Adult Life
Harry immediately joined the San Francisco Police Department at age 18, even though he lived in Mexico at the time. This was because he could knock the psychedelic coloured t-shirt off of a hippy with a bullet from 60,000 miles away. However, after Harry accidentally caused an earthquake in San Francisco when one bullet missed and hit an atomic bomb in Moscow causing a chain reaction, he was forced to move to Frisco. The mishap was covered up by many governments for years, before being "proved" as an accident at Chernobyl. Even though "Chernobyl" apparently happened 14 years after the Harry-bullet incident, no-one thought of it being anything else due to all Communists being ignorant idiots with brains the size of a fly.
Harry caused a massive amount of homicides in San Francisco due to his inability to tell the difference between the hippy race and the human race after an accident involving a saucepan and some sort of magnet. No more was said of this event. So bad was the Homicide Crisis of '71, that Harry himself was promoted to homicide detective to solve his own homicides. He held the record for most smelly people killed. A man named Hank Scorpion tried to beat Harry's record by shooting lots of random non-hippys. This infuriated Harry and caused him to track down Scorpion, whereupon Harry impaled him with his police badge. Scorpion fell into the river. Harry was forced to leave the force while a replacement badge was being made as, ironically, he had shot the last Police Badge Replacement Maker in his saucepan-magnet-fuelled state.
[edit] Later Life and Death
After killing Scorpion, 4 cops who wanted to beat Harry's record as well, a boss hippy, Cagney or Lacey, a Day-maker, Jim Carrey and Liam Neeson, as well as thousands of other people whose names are not important enough to be included, Harry decided to retire to Caramel-in-the-Sea, a small town in the northern hemisphere. Harry was momentarily married to Cagney or Lacey who failed to make his day. Harry hired head Hippy to shoot her on the second day of their marriage. He failed and Harry killed them both in Alcatraz before going back to Cagney or Lacey's body to urinate on it while being begged by the Mayor, who Harry had kidnapped for his sexual pleasure, not to. Harry spent his last days shooting psychedelic coloured fish in a barrel. He died in his bed with his boots on. The cause of death was at first thought to be a harpoon to the head, but was later discovered to have been a heart attack. Harry was cremated and his ashes were sent into space to eliminate the last of the hippy threat by covering the Earth with what was left of his body odour. He succeeded in 1983. He then died after the Grim Reaper opened the urn just to make sure. Good thing he did.
[edit] Legacy
Harry Callahan's Legacy was widespread, spawning many spin-offs and imitations including Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop, CSI: Miami (Horatio's gravelly voice and homicidal tendencies, along with his stupid name) and Pokémon. Harry's hair went on to star in a film called "Shampoo: What Is It?" on its own, as well as its 7 sequels. John Travolta also cited "Dirty Harry" as an inspiration for his documentary "Battlefield Earth" which charts what happens when an "unnamed" homicide detective from the 1970s travels to the future to kill Scientologists.
Harry's films are noted for their frequent violence. Clint Eastwood is actually deathly afraid of violence and had to shoot random commies to get accustomed to it, back when method acting was for real men only. He also stopped cutting his hair for 6 years before the first film. Clint has acknowledged playing a sperm and subsequently a baby in "Dirty Harry 1: What's this Fleshy Tube?" to be his least challenging role as he is really small, wrinkly and bald anyway.
