HowTo:Do Not Resuscitate

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Do Not Resuscitate is a lifesaving procedure in advanced First Aid. In this maneuver, a dead victim is able to prevent their own heartbeat from spontaneously recurring. This is often done to confirm an act of self-euthanasia when trapped inside a Barbara Streisand concert, or as a celebratory final hurrah for fugitives of the IRS.

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It is possible for Do Not Resuscitate to be performed on oneself. However, it not as easy to self-administer as most other First Aid protocols. For example, a choking victim may easily administer the Heisenberg Maneuver simply by ramming their stomach repeatedly into a blunt object.

This is not the case when practicing Do Not Resuscitate on your own. Accurate and comprehensive instructions have been provided below, however, although the reader may find them intuitive and straightforward, rest assured; they are not. Not Resuscitating yourself is both difficult and controversial. Proper execution of the procedure requires intensive practice and is not intended for beginners.

[edit] Disclaimer

The act of Not Resuscitating oneself is a challenging procedure which carries with it certain inherent risks. Failure to carefully follow this first aid protocol may result in the normal resumption of cardiopulmonary activity and the return to consciousness followed by a chronic state of health for an indefinite period of time.

The victim of a failed attempt to Not Resusctitate may also experience prolonged symptoms: These may include the return of mundane obligations: victims may be required to submit outstanding alimony payments, feed goldfish twice a day, make routine telephone calls to Aunt Barbaras and engage in idle chit-chats with Uncle Egberts. The reader assumes all damages that arise from any negligence in this regard and aggrees to absolve Uncyclopedia of any responsibility thereto.

[edit] Procedure to Not Resuscitate One's Self

• 1: Do not be alive.

• 2: Find an article of tight clothing and put it on. Resticting your circulation is key to keeping a beating heart down. Improvise if necessary: A thong, corset or tefilin will suffice.
• 3: Distract yourself. Remember that being alive is at least 50% psychological. Try to play a couple rounds of "I spy" with yourself. Navel gaze. Just don't think about the fact that you are attempting to think about nothing. Don't think about that either. If you're having trouble becoming brain dead, proceed to Step 4.
• 4: