Doctor Yamak
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| Term of office: | 1993 – 2005, 2007 – 2012 | |
| Preceded by: | Tyuratam the Horse | |
| Succeeded by: | Kamat Tazhin, RN | |
| Date of birth: | July 20, 1981 | |
| Place of birth: | Baikonur | |
| First Lady: | Anna Yamak, Jr. | |
| Political party: | Minority Opression Party | |
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Aztayev Yamak was born to Nursulay and Anna Yamak on July 20, 1981, a date celebrated as the Feast of Shurik in Kazakhstan. According to the Kazakh Bible of the Hawk, "any child born on Feast of Shurik is destined to hold important position in government". This prophecy would fulfill itself in 1993 when, at the age of 12, Yamak was appointed as Kazakhstan's Minister of Sciences and Prescription Narcotics. Yamak was a logical choice as he was the only remaining non-Jew in Kazakhstan with an IQ above 65 with the exception of his predecessor, Tyuratam the Horse, who was shot in the head during a game of Shurik after being mistaken for a dog.
[edit] Family
In 1994, Yamak married his sister Anna Yamak, Jr. in a large ceremony at the Temple of the Hawk in Almaty. For many years they attempted to have a baby and on her eighth birthday, Anna Yamak, Jr. gave birth to triplets whom they named Jesus, Elvis, and Rodney.
When the children were 4 years old, Rodney was kidnapped by gypsies. Rather than negotiate, Yamak ordered an airstrike on their cart, killing Rodney and his gypsy captors. In a later interview, Yamak said "I am not ashamed by my actions at the Battle of the Gypsy Cart, maybe this will teach them how to behave around respectable Kazakhs."
[edit] Career
Yamak's first act as Science Minister was to release a report detailing the extreme differences in brain size between men and women. According to his report, women have brains "almost equal in size to the droppings of a rabbit" while men "have a brain with a 73 centimetre diameter. The man's brain is large, strong, and able to drown small children if tied to their feet". Kazakh reporter Borat Sagdiyev mentions this report in his 2006 educational film.
Some of Yamak's lesser known accomplishments include:
- Advocating the physical and psychological benefits of sexual harassment in the workplace.
- Creating new laws preventing Jews from receiving vaccines in Kazakh clinics.
- Finding a cure for a Gorrodan's Syndrome, a nonexistent disease.
- Legalizing the use of DDT near schools and children's hospitals
- Increasing funding for tooth-brain therapy in hospitals throughout Kazakhstan.
[edit] News of his Death
On January 14, 2005, at the age of 23, Aztayev Yamak was reported to have died. Upon hearing the news, President-for-life Nursultan Nazarbayev declared a state of emergency, ordering all the Jews to be imprisoned, blaming them for Yamak's death. Yamak was temporarily replaced by Kamat Tazhin, a Uzbek Nurse kidnapped while on a foreign aid mission.
[edit] Return to Kazakhstan
In May 2007, Yamak was found wandering aimlessly around Tokyo by a Kazakh tourist. According to government reports, Yamak passed out after overdosing on sleeping pills during a plane trip. Thinking that he was a Japanese citizen, the airline immediately had him sent to Japan after receiving medical treatment. Yamak later returned to Kazakhstan.
On June 5, 2007, Dr. Aztayev Yamak was reappointed as Minister of Sciences and Prescription Narcotics. Kamat Tazhin, his Uzbek substitute, was executed according to Kazakh traditions. In 2012, Yamak will have the choice to step down, or challenge other candidates to fight to the death.
